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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

my dad died yesterday and I don't know how to cope

22 replies

bigbuttons · 08/06/2016 06:35

I don't have to deal with any practicalities, my stepmother will do all that.

I don't know how to grieve and I don't know how to cope with never seeing him again.

Please can someone tell me when this will stop being so bad?

OP posts:

timelytess · 08/06/2016 06:43

It won't stop for ages. Just enter into it. Acknowledge it, go with it. Cry, scream etc. Be angry and resentful, if that works for you. Don't be shocked by your feelings, whatever they are. It changes, and becomes less pressing, with time.

Get a pile of cushions and beat them soundly. Punch them. Tell them what you think of the situation.

When my mum died, I did a lot of 'sorting' - finding photos for the order of service for the funeral then sorting out all the photos they had so my dad could find what he wanted easily. It was simple, practical, meant I was present with the bereaved partner and gave me chance to think about my mum. Perhaps looking for something practical to do will help you cope.

daftbesom · 08/06/2016 06:45

Hi OP and sorry for your loss.

Be kind to yourself, your grief will take whatever format it does, you just have to accept your grief and get through day to day.

When my own Dad died, I did go through the gamut: disbelief/ denial/ bargaining/ anger and just deep deep desolate grief that my dad would never see another sunny day.

In my experience (with my own losses and DH's losses), the anger is a tricky one, and I think is behind a lot of family fallings-out at a really difficult time. I nearly lost it with my siblings (over hymn choices ffs!) but DH talked me down.

You will eventually be able to smile at the memory of your dad - it took a long time for me. He is part of who you are and always will be.

Wishing you the strength you will need to get through this difficult time.

AdelindSchade · 08/06/2016 06:45

I'm so sorry. You are grieving now but it is still very raw and your body will be in shock to some extent. You will just have to try to look after yourself for the next week while. It feels impossible now but you will learn to cope. It will never go away but you will learn to live with it. Just be gentle on yourself especially for the next few days.

RudyMentary · 08/06/2016 06:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdelindSchade · 08/06/2016 06:46

Wee while not week

Original poster

bigbuttons · 08/06/2016 06:47

Thank you.

I feel as if the pain will swallow me up and I will disappear into it.

OP posts:

timelytess · 08/06/2016 06:48

Original poster

bigbuttons · 08/06/2016 06:48

I live a few hours away from my stepmother. She has made it clear she does not want me to go down to her. We get on well enough, but wants to do it all on her own.

It would be easier if I had something practical to do, but I don't.

OP posts:

timelytess · 08/06/2016 11:03

Make something practical to do. Buy a plant and plant it at your home, even in a pot, a memorial. Make a spider diagram of things your Dad said or did that mattered to you or were 'essentially him'.
I'm so sorry. It must be hard not to be included in rituals for 'after'. My dad was so devastated that I had to do everything and didn't have the first idea how - the funeral directors were really helpful. But it kept me busy.

welshpixie · 08/06/2016 21:30

I am sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself, it is easy to say but you will go through so many emotions in the next few weeks. Offer again gently to your stepmother if she needs help. She is probably doing what I did and taking everything on herself. It means she does not have time to think and may be her way of coping, it certainly was mine.

Changesofmind · 10/06/2016 20:28

Sending I lost my DM at Christmas.

I wanted to know when the gut wrenching pain would end, too. The first five days or so I cried solidly. After two weeks I felt able to do basic housework tasks etc. After a month I was able to eat properly again. It was around four months before I felt properly human again.

Six months on I'm still grieving but in a different way. It's not as overwhelming as in the early days - it's just different.

When people say "be kind to yourself" then listen. If you want to cry then cry. If you want to stay in bed all day then do it. Your mind is telling you what you need to do to cope. Get people to help with housework, shopping, cooking meals etc. Try and eat even if you don't feel like it.

You'll get there. It gets gradually better, day by day.

I'm sorry for your loss.

YabuDabbaDoo · 10/06/2016 20:33

I am so sorry your Dad has gone.

Grief is scary and not at all what we imagined it to be. But it is a process, your body and mind do have an inbuilt instinct about how to deal with this, so trust it as much as you can. If it says go to bed, do that. Remember the basics, too - try and eat a little bit, and stay hydrated, as these will help you feel more stable.

I have been there and I promise you will come out in one piece, even if you feel shattered into a thousand just now.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 10/06/2016 20:36

So sorry

I lost my dad just over a year ago, and was devastated. Look after yourself, give yourself time to grieve, and time to remember him. With time, comes.... some sort of acceptance, I suppose.

clarinsgirl · 10/06/2016 20:36

The grief may well swallow you up. Let it. It will spit you out in the end. I lost my dad 11 years ago, he died pretty much exactly as I had my first child. It's overwhelming and it consumes you. It's a huge cliche but time heals. In my experience nothing is ever the same again but you find a way of adjusting to the new reality. I visited his grave today and it's still raw, it always will be but you learn to manage it. Lean on family and friends and as others have said, be kind to yourself. I'm so sorry x

QuickSticks · 10/06/2016 20:42

Oh Big I recognised your name from a style and beauty thread. I've probably name changed but I'm the poster who had a phobia about buttons and struggled to even type your name. I'm so deeply sorry for what you're going through. The pain must be brutal and raw. I am here thinking of you x

FeralBeryl · 10/06/2016 20:48

So sorry for your loss
It's 6 months since I was in your position and I remember feeling like I was drowning constantly and in real physical pain.

I promise this changes, the waves of grief subside - they still crash over you but they don't knock you quite as flat.

Could you explain to your stepmum that you really need to do something practical in order to cope just as she does?

I found looking through all the old photos comforting too and reminding myself that however broken we all felt, he had a wonderful life with some wonderful memories created for us.

Do whatever you need to to get you through the first few weeks, try not to drink as it doesn't help in the long run. Try and eat when you can and remember that it does change.

My thoughts are with you x

weeonion · 10/06/2016 20:56

bigbutton. I have advice but couldn't read and not post. I know it is not the same but when one of my best friends died suddenly, I spent ages writing a letter to her, telling her how i felt and recalling memories etc.

to all posters who have lost a patent

Original poster

bigbuttons · 10/06/2016 22:15

Thank you everyone for your kind words, they mean a lot . I am only 3 days in to this. I a, finding that being present and mindful is helping. I can't take it in. When I really try and understand that he is not there any more I feel as if I will be swallowed up in grief . I am trying to be patient with myself.

OP posts:

clarinsgirl · 10/06/2016 23:02

It's very early days. There's no way you can process this yet. It's so hard because you have no control, you just have to let it run its course. This is pure, blunt, burning pain and there is nothing you can do. Just remember that you will get through it and until then it's ok to grieve xxx

FeralBeryl · 11/06/2016 16:13

Just wanted to pop by and let you know you're in my thoughts. Hope today has been gentle for you

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/06/2016 10:11

Oh sweet heart. I'm so sorry.
I lost my mum not so long ago. Up until last year. She'd always been as healthy as a horse. No days off sick, and no childhood illness, but. It just seemed to hit her. All at once. Like a bolt out of the blue. I thought she'd live to great great grandchildren never mind her GGCs, but I guess God had other plans.
I'm coping most of the time. I guess it's a case of having to. I mean what other option is out there, but then all of a sudden out if nowhere. My eyes start filling up. I don't think that's a time factor though. I think I'll still be like that 40 years down the line.

She was my rock. The song because you loved me. Just sums our relationship up.
I'm everything I am, because she loves me.
Pray and talk to your beloved dad. I talk all the time to my mum. We also meet up very often in my dreams, too. Hopefully you'll meet up with your dad, too.
X

Original poster

bigbuttons · 13/06/2016 13:11

Thank you.
I am finding it nigh on impossible to take it in. So I have just put it in a box and pushed it to one side. I am hoping that with time I will be able to process it. I can't bring myself to talk to him, to think about him, to listen to music, anything.

OP posts:

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