I have a 2 yr old, he's 3 on Thursday. We had birthday plans, loads of plans for decorating and improving the house, he was in the middle of an OU degree. He was really unhappy in his job but I thought it was a temporary thing - just one of those really stressful phases of life but had light at the end of the tunnel. We were totally in love - in a tired parents stressful phase but a really deep love underneath that. I came home to police on the doorstep and a beautiful letter from DH saying he couldn't bare to not be the man who makes me happy (a mantra he had ever since we got together - he always said he wanted to be the man to make me happy).
I have so many lovely friends and family about, haven't been alone in the house since (tonight will be first night alone). For the first few days after the police telling me I was distraught, crying all the time, exhausted. That seemed like an appropriate response which properly reflected the depth of my love.
While I've been planning the funeral etc, after putting DS to bed and sometimes waking up in the mornings I've had overwhelming feelings of grief, terrified of life alone, that I'll never have that depth of connection and shared worldview I had with DH. But a lot of the time (like now) I'm struggling to have any feelings - just a numbness, maybe still shock. From day 3 I've slept really soundly - think my body just gave out after not sleeping at all. But that feels so wrong!
Having DS means I have to care for him, keep him in his nursery routine etc, even though there's people around to help me I still need to direct them. DS has taken everything so well.
I'm so worried that life is just marching on. DS barely mentions DH (though I've told him the basics on the advice of a charity). Is it normal to feel so on top of things at this point? I feel so guilty.