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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Thinking of you present for my friend who has just had a stillbirth.

15 replies

carries · 09/05/2016 22:58

One of my oldest and dearest friends list her baby girl at 32 weeks, on Friday. I want to send her, her DH and their 3 DDs a gift but not sure what. They will be overrun with flowers. I know their church have arranged a rota of people providing dinners. I won't see her for another week or so as she is resting for this next week or so but was going to send a present via her MIL. Any ideas? They are moving to NI (currently live in Scotland) in a months time, so nothing too "cluttery".

OP posts:

Original poster

carries · 09/05/2016 22:59

Lost - not list. And I hope I've posted in a appropriate place.

OP posts:

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 09/05/2016 23:00

I sent my friend a soft blanket which they could cosyou up with their elders child

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 09/05/2016 23:04

Speaking for myself, I wanted nothing, as nothing could replace my Child. However, even if we chosee not to follow it up, we really valued each card or note or email. Nothing sent with love will be misunderstood.

nolongerwaitingfornumber2 · 09/05/2016 23:19

How heartbreaking. You could ask the lovely Steph at www.dontbuyherflowers.com/ if she could put a thoughtful package together. I've only used her for happy occasions but I am sure she would be able to help.

Cakescakescakes · 09/05/2016 23:24

What about something in memory of their lost baby? I know the Woodland Trust have sites in NI and you can have a tree planted in memory of someone. It's not marked with a name as such but you get a lovely card and then can visit the woodland area if you wish.

Original poster

carries · 10/05/2016 07:36

Thank you for the lovely ideas.

OP posts:

figsandalmonds · 10/05/2016 13:24

When my daughter died (at 18months), we really appreciated people sending food. We got a waitrose delivery with things that keep or can go in the freezer and things we could give to people who swung by to see us. Someone also arranged to have dinner delivered from the local chinese.

More than anything keep in touch with short messages / emails to let her know you've not forgotten, particularly on the due date / birthday next year and the day she passed away. I have a reminder in my diary for a friend who lost her brother to suicide. I also try to write every 2 weeks. My sister in law wrote to my husband every day for a year - it was amazing for him because his people (family / friends) just didn't give him as much space to talk. If you know someone who can support her husband too ask them to write.

Impatientwino · 10/05/2016 15:19

Someone sent me a COOK delivery of frozen meals. It was much appreciated on the days when I just couldn't face working out what to cook and they were delicious.

Someone else sent me a book called The Red Tree by Shaun Tan and that was lovely, it's only a few pages long, it talks about grief in a very simple way with literally a couple of sentences on each page and the artwork is very emotive. I leaf through it most weeks now (ds2 was stillborn at 39 weeks in March)

Impatientwino · 10/05/2016 15:23

Sorry just seen someone is arranging dinners. I agree with previous poster that keeping up contact is great. I have a friend who sends me a 'sending you love for whatever today holds' or a similar message every few days and it really did help me knowing that people hadn't forgotten as the weeks went by, she still remembered that although the world carries on that she hadn't forgotten.

DoItTooJulia · 10/05/2016 15:25

I don't know about physical gifts, but I know that glow in the woods is an awesome space for baby lost parents. Maybe you could send her a link to it?

www.glowinthewoods.com

When my dear friend had a still born baby the most important thing for her was that people didn't ignore what had gone on. She liked it when people used the baby's name and acknowledged her existence.

you sound like a good friend.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/05/2016 22:04

Keep in touch - even daily 'thinking of you texts ' help

Also what about a lovely box where she can store stuff and memories ?

Original poster

carries · 10/05/2016 23:01

Yeah, I'm texting every day. I think I'm going to send them a tree to plant in their new garden - they move in 4 weeks!

OP posts:

quarkandmarmite · 11/05/2016 15:52

The best present anyone could probably give is an ear and a shoulder whenever they needed it.

SaveMeTheWaltz · 11/05/2016 20:14

A candle that she can light in memory of her daughter? And if she enjoys reading you may want to source her a copy of Elizabeth McCracken's memoir An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, which deals with the author's own experience of stillbirth.

homeiswheretheginis · 17/05/2016 14:55

A friend sent me a rose bush that she named after our daughter that was a lovely though. We too were overrun with flowers that I couldn't bear to put up.

I second another poster in saying that what I appreciated most were the cards people took the time to write properly (rather than just signing their names). Use the baby's name, ask her how the baby looked. A small brooch might be a nice idea, if you can find one that reference's the baby?

You seem like a really kind person, your friend is lucky to have you.

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