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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

How do I explain to a five year old that their daddy has died?

40 replies

Nelly2015 · 26/03/2015 18:13

My husband went home to South Africa to visit family and was killed in a car crash 2 nights ago. I haven't told our two eldest as I really don't know how to tell them. The kids just think he is still on holiday. Anyone got any advice how to tell them?

OP posts:

XLIX · 27/03/2015 22:03

Nelly, I'm so terribly sorry! I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. My heart hurts for you and your children. I hope you are surrounded by people who love you and are there with you. Please come to MN if you need online hugs or support..

I know you are full of concern for your babies right now but I hope you are being taken care of too. You have lost your mate...I'm sending prayers for peace and strength to you..

Mcyorkshire1 · 27/03/2015 22:04

OP I found myself having to tell my two small children (aged 3 and 2) that their daddy had died 7 months ago. In our case DH was travelling on business and passed away on the plane which meant that nobody had an opportunity to say goodbye. I found that being completely honest about how he died was the best approach for us, all in an age appropriate manner. DH died of a heart attack so I told them that the pipes going to daddy's heart had blocked and that meant his heart couldn't work any more. Some might have disagreed with this but DH and I had always tried to be honest with our children and I didn't want anybody to share second hand information at a later date.

We used a local children's bereavement charity for counselling sessions and DS's school have been amazing with him. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this too...nobody should have to tell their children that a parent has died. If you need to chat, please feel free to pm me x

Original poster

Nelly2015 · 27/03/2015 22:57

I wish I didn't have to tell them anything.
They still think daddy is away on holiday.

OP posts:

Mclary · 27/03/2015 23:34

I've recently done this. My son is 7.
I expected lots of questions and I actually got lots of tears.
Tell them straight, let them ask questions. Talk about him, it's ok for them to see you upset.
It's ok to admit to them you are confused, don't know the answers etc.
Let them talk.
Pm me too if you want to.
They might surprise you with what they do/say. Sometimes very straightforward.
They seem to think of death in a completely different way to us.
Apparently it's called "puddles of sadness" they jump in and out really quickly.
Talk to the school, my sons school was amazing, so supportive.

PacificDogwood · 28/03/2015 09:15

Please do your best to not delay it much longer - of course you don't want to tell them, but you have to.
Children are perceptive, they may well have picked up that something is wrong. Telling them won't get any easier with time passing

Original poster

Nelly2015 · 28/03/2015 19:41

I finally told them this evening now they have cried themselves to sleep.

OP posts:

SnotQueen · 28/03/2015 19:51

I'm so sorry Nelly

SpearmintLino · 28/03/2015 19:54

Thinking of you x

Ems1812 · 28/03/2015 19:56

I'm so sorry for your loss, really can't imagine how you must be feeling. Life can be so cruel x

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/03/2015 20:00

Thoughts and prayers with you from here too

Hissy · 28/03/2015 20:42

Oh darling :( I'm so sorry again, but you did have to tell them, tomorrow will be hard, and the next day and the next, but eventually the healing will begin.

Will the funeral be in SA? Or will he be flown back to you?

grobagsforever · 31/03/2015 07:16

I'm so sorry. DH died last year when DD was nearly 4 and I was pregnant. All I can say is ten minute months on we're doing better than I ever expected. DD1 is flourishing at school and is very confident and makes friends easily. I'm back at work and I'm growing my world around the grief. We talk of DH most days and we grieve. But we also live.

I along with others on this thread are members of Widowed and Young (WAY). It's a great source of support and friendship. I'd recommend it. PM me if you want to x

Original poster

Nelly2015 · 02/04/2015 16:29

hissy the funeral will be in SA as that is where he is from and all his family are there.

OP posts:

lu9months · 07/04/2015 22:08

So so sorry for you. My husband is terminally ill and our youngest is 5 so I've thought about this a lot, but it's such a different situation if it's sudden. I spoke to the psychologist who's helping my 10 year old, and she explained that children of 5 need help to understand that death is final and irreversible, and not like sleep. They may need to ask the same question time and again, and this can be very hard. They also ' jump in and out of the puddles of grief' unlike adults who feel we are drowning in them, so they may seem very sad then be playing happily 5 minutes later, and this is all normal. They will need lots of reassuring about you being there for them. I'm sending my love

Steadycampaign · 07/04/2015 22:13

Couldn't read this thread and just leave without posting.

Just wanted to send my sincere condolences to you Nelly and to everyone on here who has been, or is going through, a similar situation.

Wishing you all strength for the difficult days ahead. x

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