Widowed, coping with impending empty nest. Should I move to Devon now?

[widowedmumof3]

My husband died in an accident two years ago. My daughter had just started Uni. I have twin boys now 17. One is about to leave home for uni and the other taking a Gap year as has had depression since his dads death. We have a big house (too big for me to continue managing alone) and my neighbours are not friendly although I still try so hard to get to know them and am always openly friendly to them. Friends have kind of deserted us after about 6 months of my husbands death. So therefore very isolated, menopausal, empty nesting and widowed. No family around here also.

Should I relocate to Devon and have a better quality of life...walks with my dogs, beaches, new friends, I feel such a strong pull to be there. It will be a big upheaval (again) and could be a massive mistake. I am lost to know what is best, any advice would be welcome xx

I am four years into the horrible journey of being a widow and empathise with you. I have no advice except that you have to allow yourself to heal before you make big decisions. Only you know if the time is right, loads of good wishes.

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of your husband's death.

I moved from Devon (with DH, who is still alive) some 9 years ago, when we retired. The reason was because the winters were so vile & wet & 'cloud on the ground' type of weather. There is a reason for Devon being so lush & green.

And, in the nicest possible way, why will Devon give you more friends than you could, possibly, make where you are now? How are you going to make these new friends?

There is a bit of 'grass is greener' in your wish to move & I think you should be aware of that.

How far is Devon from where you are now? I live near Devon (Somerset) and it is a lovely part of the country so can understand the pull.

How far will you be from the children? Even thought they are older I am guessing they will still want to be able to get to you easily if need be!

Do you work?

First of all - I am very sorry for your loss.

Secondly - it sounds like a move to a smaller house and a friendly place with nice things to do is definitely on the cards! However, do make sure that you move somewhere that meets your DCs' needs too, or else you will never see them. Do you think they will end up in London after university? If so, maybe rural Kent near a station to London would be better than Devon.

Oh WOW, thank you all. All of you have made brilliant points for me to consider. Definitely very helpful. Thank you also for your kind condolences.

I have talked to all my children and they just want me to be happy, I would never go anywhere which be difficult for them and have calculated in space for them to be with me if their own journeys find a 'blip' at any time.

I have not returned to work as I used to have a very demanding and physical job which I feel I can no longer do. Devon is a long way from Greater London and Kent for sure...

I just feel that people would have more time to say Hello and smile in Devon...everyone here is constantly busy on the treadmill of the South East, which I do understand completely. Thanks everyone, definitely will help in my thought process as now hubby gone there is no one to talk any decisions through with. xx

I think down sizing would be sensible and maybe you could do some volunteer type work or a p/t job somewhere local if you do move which would help with making friends and feeling less isolated.

I think people in smaller communities are generally quite friendly.

I know with me and my brothers we 'yoyo' ed back and forth to my mums house for quite a few years even after university so I think being in fairly easy reach of your kids and having space for them if needed is essential.

I am sorry for your loss as well

How about looking for a different sort of job, one where you'll meet lots of new people in a community? It sounds as if you don't need to earn particularly. A friend of mine works PT for a National Trust property and loves it - it's a great way to understand tourism in the locality.

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be daunting planning for your future and choosing what will make you happiest! I think you need to think what will make you happy, is it natural beauty, having lots of friends or seeing family regularly? Would you like to see your grandkids (if you get some!) weekly/daily or visiting for holidays. Not sure where you are now. A lot of people, gravitate to london after uni, so you may want to stay nearer to london if you think your sons may do that. I'm sure you can make new friends anyway, you just need to get out to hobby groups etc. But Devon is obviously beautiful, so if long walks are your thing then that could've bliss for you.

Could you let your current home, so that no decision is yet permanent, and maybe have a 'gap' year yourself, finding somewhere that feels like it could be 'home'?

Feel for you in this position.

Moved from Devon to the SE (East Sussex) & I can truly say I have never lived anywhere so friendly and I've lived in many parts of the UK over the years.

Yes, absolutely, I would find PT work or volunteer. I volunteer here at a Hospice and loved being with people and helping them. I am also in a community choir here but peeps are a lot older than me :( No offence intended to anyone at all but I am still quite young in age and spirit and not ready to put my feet up yet, just need to recover and grieve and make a new life on my own sadly. I would love to find something in Devon.

Finance is ok for a little while but yes it will be a problem long term. Selling and downsizing will help that though. Can't really rent out this house although it's a brilliant idea. I will need the extra pennies from selling to live on.

You have all been helpful and really kind, thank you.

I know my husband would want me to be happy and live my life not worrying and sad all the time.

Thank yooo all, you're great xx

I know of two people that have been in a similar position. For one moving helped but for the other it didn't. So I am guessing that it all comes down to the details.

The one where it worked was somebody who had no particular links to the town she was living when the husband died. She moved from Hertfordshire to Weston Super Mare and started a new life. Her grown-up child lives in Staffordshire to the journey wasn't better or worse, just different!

Where it didn't work was when the widow was somewhat older and she moved away from her friends and the safe familiarity of her hometown to Herefordshire "to make a fresh" start. I gather she lasted only 18 months.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP and I hope things improve for you. I really can't advise you on what you should do as I don't know the area, or indeed England, very well. My husband is very ill in hospice and we're hoping he can come home soon, so can I just say thank you for being a volunteer. I would be lost without the volunteers and I know how special you are to do such a thing. I know the relatives of your clients will feel just as appreciative of you. That's all, thank you again. I really hope you find your 'home'.

I hope you don't mind, but I have come on Talk this morning to find some advice, and saw your post. My husband died 5 months ago, suddenly from cancer. I have two sons of 19 and 14. I am finding it so hard with my eldest son. He is an angry young man. Having gone through this yourself do you have any pearls of wisdom to impart? He has gone off the rails a bit, drinking heavily when he goes out. I know that we are all grieving but I just can't seem to cope with him.

OP - I was at a local meeting recently and various people said that they'd moved to our area because of this particular group - it's a local group that's part of a much wider network and attracts people with broadly similar interests and passions. Several said that what had swayed them, when, for example, they found themselves alone (widowed/separated/generally in need of a change) was the fact that this group existed.

Think about whether or not your interests could be catered for in any new place - being around people you share a passion/hobby/ideals with is great and perhaps then it doesn't matter quite so much where that place is ..

Also think about whether your DCs could reasonably easily come home ie where the uni is in DD's case/where your DSs might go. You're going to want to be around each other .. Of course, ultimately, because DCs will go/work where they need to, it's about you. Don't rush. Linger in places. Do your homework. And, if you possibly could rent your house, think about that as someone else has suggested. I have a friend who is doing just that right now - renting her house while she takes a year out, doing something she believes in but in another part of the country (and, like you, this follows a bereavement).

Magenta - very sorry to hear about your DH, too. Are there services that can support you and your DSs? Do you know Winston's Wish, supporting bereaved children and young people and their families? Might be worth a phone call. You need to feel and be supported and your older DS needs, perhaps, professional help to help him deal with his anger which is completely, of course, understandable but which is making things so difficult at home.

Thank you Eleanor111. I have seen this name come up before and will take a look.

Widowedmum my sympathies. I was widowed at 46 and very soon after moved location and job from London to the Midlands to be nearer my family. It was probably too much too quickly, and I kept moving house within the same town - 4 times in 3 years! It was a bit of a joke in my family at the time, and fortunately I have lots of male relatives to help me. I couldn't get settled anywhere and felt like a fish out of water. I know what you mean about some friends deserting you when you become a widow.

But, I don't ever regret moving despite the massive upheaval. I love walking my dog in the countryside and feeling in tune with nature. I did made friends and rebuild my life again. In many ways this a chance for you to do exactly as you wish.

I would suggest that you find a small town that has a thriving community and a variety of types of people as you can feel very lonely among couples. Maybe choose several places and do some research and go for a holiday there to get the feel of the places. Also remember that if a place is very touristy it can seem a bit desolate in winter and crowded in summer.

There is an national organisation called u3a which has loads of activities that you might want to join - it has local branches, or join a walking group - whatever your interests are.

Good luck