can't tell the truth, can't pretend it's ok

[gritinmysandwich]

Over the last few years, I lost a parent (being vague as don't want to be too easily identifiable), a dear friend and the chance of having children

I think I've only started to grieve now, and grieving about not having children
(Sorry, if this offends anyone, please accept my apologies, I am not thinking very clearly. I haven't spoken much about this in RL)

I can't talk about losing my parent because 'I should be over that now'
I can't talk about losing the chance of having children to my friends, because I don't want to dampen their happiness, and I don't want them to think of me as attention-seeking

But I feel so angry that I can't talk to them. I smile and tell them how beautiful their children are and play with their children. Inside I'm shouting

I feel their lives are opening out and mine are closing down. I want to be with my friend. I want to talk to the parent I lost.

There's no time limit to grieving so don't think you "should be over" the death of your parent. It's seven years since my dad died but I still have moments of overwhelming grief for him. I too feel the need to talk to him. I don't believe in an afterlife but I still find myself 'talking' to him. Irrational but it gives me some comfort.

I can't counsel you on feeling you've missed out by not having children but wanted to post to bump your message so others could reply.

Please feel that you can 'talk' on MN about the loss of your dad and your friend. PM me if you want to. I don't want you to feel that you're alone.

Then talk , your friends are your friends because they love you

You sound like a very thoughtful friend but sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to put ourself first

I am sorry for your loss x

Grief is an incredible personal thing. You have every right to be feeling however you want. You've also had a really tough year. Please take it easy on yourself.

I also don't think a year is a long time to deal with the loss of someone so close. I am 10 years down the line, and there are still times I can't or don't want to talk about my Brother.

It was amazing how different people react to the grief of those around them. I lost some people I thought were good friends, and have strengthen some amazing friendships from people on the outskirts of the friendship circle, as they have been amazing.

I don't want to offer advice without knowing more about the situation your in, which you understandably may not want on a public forum, but if you want to talk, there are people here who will listen.

Oh grit, what a bugger of a few years you have had. :(

I'm sure none of your friends would think you attention seeking but I can understand your reluctance to make your real feelings known.

I can recommend Cruse bereavement support

Even if you don't want counselling as such, they are great about putting you in touch with someone to talk to , often one who has been through the same as you & they just listen or talk if you want. It's so useful to have a neutral third party to offload to.

No-one can say "you should be over it " such a personal thing & there are no expiry dates on grief, and you have had several body blows which have compounded your sense of loss I would imagine.

Keep talking to us here if it would help.

You've been through a lot. Why should you be over it? Look after yourself.

Of course you're not over it.
DM died more than 20 years ago. I missed her terribly for the first few years; that feeling gradually wore off but I sometimes still feel that really sharp pang of loss.

Also, if a friend of mine suddenly found she could not have children, I would not consider her 'attention seeking' for wanting to talk about it all the time for months. If you wanted children, it's a huge loss.

Thank you everyone
I can't say much more than 'thank you' at the moment
I'm just overwhelmed by the loss of it all
Your kindness has really helped me
I'm scared if I am honest about my feelings, I will lose even more people. But want to have some reality in my relationships
It's so, so hard

Talking about how you really feel can deepen your friendships and make them more real. I always appreciate it when someone opens up and gives me a glimpse of their inner life. Most of us continually build shells which keep other people out; confiding your sorrow can erase the shell if you confide in the right person, someone who ie empathetic and cares about you.

I'm so sorry about all your losses.

No one who has lost a parent will feel that you should be over it. My mum died 18 year ago and I still miss her a lot. The first 5 years were the worst and then it gradually got better. You will know, but initially you find yourself thinking about it all day every day, and gradually that time widens. And initially it's very very painful to think about all that you have lost, and gradually that lessens so that you can even laugh about the good times you had. It really does get better but it is early days. I would recommend bereavement counselling. I didn't go to it but my sister did. Mostly because whilst we both felt the death of my mum the same, her husband also left her at the same time, very much out of the blue, and leaving her with 2 very young children. So like you, it was a combinations of things. If I was you, I would initially get bereavement counselling and take it from there. I the meantime, I would also talk to your friends. There is a big difference in letting them know how you feel (so that they can support you and be aware) and being a burden. I wouldn't be happy if my friend felt she had to hide her feelings from me.

Thank you. I think the bereavement counselling is a very good idea. It's just so difficult. All I can do is keep saying how difficult it is! Brain not working well at moment.

I am going to take things very slowly.

Thank you for your kindness. I have needed to hear this.
x

Talking to someone impartial can be very comforting, wierdly.

You can say all sorts of emotional/silly/ illogical things to them and rant if needed about friends & family who are pissing you off with lack of understanding.

Not for everyone & of course there are all sorts of different types of talking therapies/counselling but specific bereavement counselling I think in this case might be helpful.

Good luck x