Looking for advice on how to help a friend help her son (sensitive)

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

Last October my DF ,at 7m pregnant, lost her incredible DH...he went in for a routine operation and died...it was a huge huge shock to everyone and devastating. Her DS at the time was 4.2 and developed an absolute fear of all things medical because he associated it with his daddy dying.

It's only recently he has slowly started to be ok around medical equipment (inc plasters) or doctors surgerys but it was a long and difficult road back.

In December DF gave birth to her gorgeous little girl and things were slowly becoming better...

Heartbreakingly, 6w ago, her DD died, DF went into wake her up one morning but she had passed away in the night.

Her DS was left with a family member whilst everything was dealt with that day and it was explained to him that she had gone to sleep and died (he was worried she was sick like daddy or hurt herself)

He is now petrified of sleeping or letting DF sleep incase they die...and she is desperate for some help...he has got himself into a routine of sleeping for an hour at a time at the most but wakes up screaming and will hit DF until she wakes up...meaning what little sleep she manages to get it broken with her terrified DS hitting and screaming

Between them, they are broken...she is trying to grieve for her dd and dh and desperately trying to help her DS but with no idea what to do

Any help would be so appreciated

I have nothing helpful to say I'm afraid other than this is a heartbreaking story.
I'm here just to bump your post hoping someone else sees this and can help.

I wish I had some sage words of advice, but I really don't.

Is it worth your df speaking to a Health Visitor or a bereavement group relevant to children? There is one called something wish.

Someone will be able to name it for you I am sure.

I think you are thinking of Winston's WIsh -

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

I've just had a quick look & they have, what seems to be, a good helpline.

My sympathies to your friend - how very hard & sad for her.

Thank you so much, I've emailed Winstons wish looking for advice, hopefully they can help

Many thanks again

She needs to go to her GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS. In some areas, CAMHS won't see children who have recently suffered a trauma but she needs to insist that an exception is made for her DS.

She could also approach her nearest children's hospice and ask if they can help by recommending a counsellor or therapist who is experienced in helping bereaved siblings.

What an awful situation

Thank you so very much x

What an horrendous situation. I am lost in my own grief for my son so I have no words of wisdom. My thoughts are with your friend.

Oh Minmooch I'm so sorry xxx

Your poor friend and her poor ds, how frightened he must be, I have no words of wisdom but hugs for all x

Get him to CAMHS. Poor friend! Poor wee boy!

My daughter was a bit older, 6, when her elder sister died of cancer two years ago, but she is still very wary of all things medical and of illness in general, even in herself.

Oh IHope, I am so very sorry
No help I am really, just that to you for being there for your friend and her boy.

And sending much live to Minmooch and Expat
Life can be so very shit sometimes

love not live ( twatphone)

I am so sorry for your friends (and ypur) loss - my thoughts go out to her.
Not much help really but could maybe some close friends or family help out in caring for her DS during the day whilst she gets some unbroken sleep so that at night time when he does wake, she's not as exhausted. That is assuming that he is happy to be left with someone, he may not want to leave his mum's side.

Thank you so much....the gp she saw was crap so is seeing another on Thursday. ..it hasnt got any easier in the meantime unfortunately

He's absolutely refusing to leave her side...he gets so worked up that he physically is sick...which, of course, is distressing for her...I'm actually perfectly happy to take him and deal with the wailing and screaming but it's not fair on either of them

Expat, I am shocked its already been 2y...I hope life is being kind to you abd dc

thank you all again x

I don't think that taking him will help anyway. He has to find out in a way he can cope with that she isn't going to disappear. He has strong evidence at the moment that members of his family can die at any time and putting him through being forcibly separated will probably just traumatise him further.

What he needs is someone who is skilled in helping children of this age to understand that it is very unlikely to happen to his mum too but this won't be easy because he is so little.

I am so sorry and feel that life is just unbearably cruel sometimes.

I hope your DF and her DS get the support and care they need X

I have just come across the Child Bereavement Trust who should be able to offer you friend some support to help deal with her sons fears and may be able to work with him directly.

The number is 0800 0288840 and the website is childbereavementuk.org

Hope that helps

Hi OP.
I'm so sorry for your DF. I am a teacher and have found Winston's Wish to be very useful.

I too am struggling with grief having lost my own DS2 last year, but I didn't want to read and run.

Hope you can help your friend. Good friends are worth their weight in gold.
for your DH and for you.