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Original poster

Found out today a friendly aquantaince has had stillbirth - what to do?

12 replies

SecurMummy · 06/09/2006 19:17

When I collected my children today from nursery, one of the managers was there. She went off on maternity leave a few weeks ago and was heavily pg then (??30wks??) I have been away so having lost track of time and seeing her once again slim and trim I of course asked how was the baby.

This is when she told me that the baby had been stillborn a week or so ago and had been cremated yesterday. She told me some detail and I asked if they were having a ceremony for the ashes, was it a boy or girl and what was his name - in fact anything not to be one of those people who go Oh and leg it asap!

She is not a friend but is very friendly and I want to do something to mark what they are going through but have no idea what. I would have sent a congrats card upon the birth and feel it is wrong not to do something now - but also feel that a sympathy type card is kind of wrong....

Help please oh wise ones!

OP posts:
Original poster
SecurMummy · 06/09/2006 19:19

Oh and when we were talking about it I couldn't help getting tearful and I kept saying I was sorry - which I think was wrong - was it??

OP posts:
FlipFloppinRubyRioja · 06/09/2006 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SecurMummy · 06/09/2006 19:32

Exactly, I don't want to do too much, but also I should imagine she will meet plenty of people who feel that letting her "get over it" is best and I don't want to be one of those!

Any ideas for wording in a card?

OP posts:
Yorkiegirl · 06/09/2006 19:32

Message withdrawn

Jalexandra · 06/09/2006 19:35

I think a card is the best bet aswell. My first daughter was stillborn, and the cards I received from people were a great comfort. It is also nice (in a weird way) to get the cards and other keepsakes out on her anniversary, and to re read them.
Its great that you care. Like you said doing anything is a million times better than doing nothing.

coggy · 06/09/2006 19:35

I think that as she isn't a close friend then, as Ruby says, a card with a simple message in.

I appreciated the cards that had my sons name in them....so something like.....

Thinking of you and your darling little __.

HTH
X

Original poster
SecurMummy · 06/09/2006 19:37

Thank you YG, that is what I hoped!

I will send her a card... do I make reference to the baby by name? or just make the card to her, her husband and daughter?

BTW YG, how are you and your girls?

OP posts:
Original poster
SecurMummy · 06/09/2006 19:38

Thank you Coggy and Jalexandra, that is just the information I wanted!

OP posts:
SecondhandRose · 06/09/2006 19:49

I would say something like 'we are so sorry to hear about your loss of ....(baby's name). Some people do describe a stillbirth as having a baby 'born asleep'. HTH.

toytownmum · 06/09/2006 21:01

Hi
My ds1 was a twin, but his brother was born asleep (stillborn). From my own personal experience it was just nice that people could talk to me and dh and not shy away from us out of embarressment of not knowing what to say.

Mustdobetter · 10/09/2006 22:31

When my son died less than two hours after his birth 8 and a half years ago, I felt most supported by people who acknowledged my loss they didn't have to say much, just 'I'm thinking of you' was enough. I still find it hard to contact those who didn't get in touch at all because they 'didn't know what to say' because it felt so like they didn't care. And it was years before I could contact those who did get in touch but said things like 'you can try again', 'well, that's life' (not for my son, it wasn't!), 'it was for the best' (no, the best thing would have been for me to have my son with me now) or said 'sorry to hear your news' and then told me at great length about their holiday or asked me about things that were so irrelevant to me then, such as 'so tell me about the new house' (empty, lonely, haunting...). I have had two more sons , but we will always have one of our family members missing . I was so grateful to the midwife who I saw early on in my pregnancy with my second child, when she asked what my first son's name was, how much he weighed and so on she acknowledged that he was my son and I was 'allowed' to talk about him. In other words, send a simple card now, refer to her child by name, and when you see her in weeks or months to come, acknowledge her baby and again use his name. Losing a child is such a lonely thing.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 13/09/2006 21:31

Mustdobetter

I share your thoughts

Its so important to acknowledge a child.Its hard for other people to know how to deal with it as they have never 'met' your baby but to you, you have had a baby and the worst thing that anyone can do its not acknowledge that you are a mum or ignore your little one and never speak thier name.

My little girl was stillborn 16 months ago and I got lots of cards which helped me so much

I am so sorry to hear of another sad loss Securmummy.You sound like a very kind person and I am sure what ever you do will be perfect
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