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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Christmas card after a bereavement

43 replies

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/12/2013 12:08

I hope this is okay to ask here. I am really anxious not to offend my friend nor any posters who will see this.

I want to send a Christmas card to someone who has lost their husband and daughter this year so this Christmas will be the first one without their loved ones. All my card seem to jolly and the only one I feel I could consider sending has Seasons Greetings and two baubles on the front. Is that too bright too? I really do not want to upset her at what will be a difficult time and are more than happy to go out and buy another card that would be better.

OP posts:

MaxsMummy2012 · 02/12/2013 12:15

Wow, I'm so sorry for your friend, I can understand your angst. Why not buy a religious type card - I've seen some in the last that have the 3 wise men in silhouette so not really jolly but still festive or alternatively just buy a 'thinking of you' card.
X

MaxsMummy2012 · 02/12/2013 12:15

*past not last

HerrenaHarridan · 02/12/2013 12:21

Hmm well done for thinking about it.

Maybe a snowy landscape without any people in or something with animals or robins or polar bears.

Cheerful isn't necessarily a bad thing but definitely steer well clear of anything with families or children or too jokey.

What are you going to write in it?

Moomoomie · 02/12/2013 12:22

Very thoughtful of you. You won't offend your friend by sending any card in particular, it is more the words I side.
Be heartfelt in what you write, thinking of you etc.
The last thing she will want is for people to ignore her or her late family.
So sad.

LunaticFringe · 02/12/2013 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GerardWay · 02/12/2013 12:25

I agree that a thinking of you card would be appropriate.

Original poster

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/12/2013 12:32

Thank you everyone.

I am worrying a bit about what to write inside. Her losses were within days of each other, one expected and one a real shock so I was at a loss at what to write in the sympathy card when I first heard.

All your suggestions are just right and I will go later and buy a specific card for her. I really want to convey I am thinking of her without making it worse. Of course she doesn't need reminding of her loss and there is nothing I can say to make it better or bring it back so I will write out a few ideas and see what feels best.

She is a Christian so will look for a suitable card.

OP posts:

Sixweekstowait · 02/12/2013 12:51

Very thoughtful - I've faced this problem over the past few Christmases(I'm getting on a bit) . I always write something in on lines of this will be a hard time for you, thinking of you especially, hope there will be some happy memories amongst the tears, nothin I can say will make it all right but wanted to know you are loved/ thought about - you can't make it worse by being do thoughtful - only if you ignore the fact of the bereavement. What a nice person you are

cyanarasamba · 02/12/2013 12:55

In the past I've written "Wishing you peace this Christmas", it felt appropriate.

Jackthebodiless · 02/12/2013 13:35

I've just spent ages choosing Christmas card for a bereaved relative - so worried about striking the wronge note, but found one which said 'words of comfort at Chritmas', and a low-key message inside. Most of the big card shops have a section for this, I found.

Original poster

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/12/2013 13:35

Thank you Bourdic. I will be getting the card tomorrow so have time to think about all suggestions.

That does sound like something I would write, cyanarasamba.

OP posts:

derektheladyhamster · 02/12/2013 13:40

I do this with my friend whose daughter died 3 years ago. I've bought a carte blanche one (tatty teddy) which just says, Special Christmas wishes on the outside and 'with love' inside. You can buy special bereavement xmas cards, but because she has another daughter, I didn't think they were appropriate.

It's very hard to find one which doesn't say things like, Happy christmas, may all your christmas wishes come true

Original poster

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/12/2013 14:48

I have just nipped to Asda as half way through baking I had run out of eggs and I had a look at the cards. Couldn't find any that said thinking of you at Christmas but there was one for sympathy at Christmas but I wasn't 100% that was right as the deaths occurred a few months ago. I will keep looking in other shops. This will be her first Christmas in over 60 years without her husband and around 40 without her daughter .

OP posts:

ssd · 02/12/2013 20:42

thats so very sad .

can you visit her as well as send a card? you sound like the sort of caring person she'll need just now. x

Original poster

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/12/2013 20:48

Unfortunately we live 100's of miles apart but I did send a card when I heard and we have spoken on the phone. I sent her present for Christmas today, damn. I can't remember what I put on the tag. Shit. I hope it wasn't merry or happy Christmas. I don't think it was .

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daisydotandgertie · 02/12/2013 20:51

I'm in a v similar position to your friend and the message that lunatic fringe came up with is the one I'd most like to receive. In the kindest way, it is too soon for me to hope for peace/comfort/happy memories this Christmas. I hope that by next year it will be different.

Lettucesnow · 02/12/2013 20:54

Give her a call or wait for her to call you to say it has arrived. Be honest with her and say you have fretted about the possible inappropriateness of the gift tag. I'm sure she'll thank you for your honesty. It shows you care.

Original poster

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/12/2013 21:12

Even if I have put something stupid on the tag I know she wouldn't hate me for it. I sent an anniversary card for her and her husband when he had already passed away and I was mortified as I received the card telling me the next day - I think my card to them prompted her to write and tell me - and I was so worried but she was fine and put it up and was grateful to do so as only received two cards. Oh it really is crap, isn't it.

OP posts:

Sixweekstowait · 02/12/2013 21:16

Daisy - that's helpful to know

Original poster

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 03/12/2013 10:45

I have got a card today. I could only find one shop with remotely anything suitable and even then the front was right but the verse inside was not but I got one in the end and I think it will be just right.

Thanks for all your suggestions.

OP posts:

ssd · 03/12/2013 16:02

glad you found something, your thoughtfulness will mean so much to your friend.

50ShadesofXmas · 04/12/2013 12:49

I've been thinking about this too, as I am in a similar position to you, my friend lost her very dh in August, she has grown up children and lots of family so I know she won't be alone but I was wondering whether I could mention him by name,

"Thinking of you and Fred this Christmas"

Yes or no?
*his name wasn't Fred btw

50ShadesofXmas · 04/12/2013 12:50

Or would "thinking of you and remembering Fred" be more appropriate?

Thank you.

cupcakeicing · 04/12/2013 12:56

Glad you have found something suitable. It's always difficult.
The first Christmas after my dad died DM was inundated by cards with snowdrops on them. We saw the funny side and still remark on them when we see a pack of them.

Manchesterhistorygirl · 04/12/2013 13:01

My husbands uncle lost his dw earlier this year and I was also wondering what to write in the card. They were not (see I wrote are not, it's hard to remember she's gone) Christian at all and are actively atheist so wanted to get it correct.

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