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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

We have heard recently that LO is not going to make it.....

32 replies

Chottie · 05/11/2013 05:10

and we probably have about 1 year max together.

We are busy trying to think of ways to spend some lovely time together and also ways of remembering LO.

LO is just over 5 months old. So far we are going to see Father Christmas, taking hand and foot prints and taking lots of pics and videos. Can anyone who has done this journey offer some more ideas and suggestions.

We would not be able to take him out of the country.

OP posts:
LilBlondePessimist · 05/11/2013 05:36

I'm so sorry to hear your news OP, I have never been in your situation, but could not read and not reply. I'm sure many other, more helpful replies will come soon.

I would say, what you are doing is good so far. Maybe take him to see some animals (if he's up for it, sorry if that's not an option), and capture his reaction (zoo, farm etc?). Seaside to dip little toes in sand etc (again, if he can).

Take care of yourselves OP, and again, I am so so sorry. Flowers

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 05/11/2013 05:42

Op I have not walked your path, but just to say, there will be many of us holding your hand as you do.

Toffeepoppet · 05/11/2013 05:46

Hi, just wanted you to know some one else is awake too and I am so so sorry, what terribly sad news. How bloody lovely you are thinking of all the most fantastic things you can do together.

Have zero experience of anything remotely like this, but i would say def take LO to the sea, even if it is in the winter or spring and you all bundle up warm. I loved taking mine to the sea shore for the first time, they love the wind and sound of the sea, nothing quite like it. it will be magic!

Have you thought about a beautiful scap book of photos, memories, ticket stubs of things you do etc?

Wishing you and your family best wishes and strength for present and future. No doubt you will receive heaps of support here.

3bunnies · 05/11/2013 05:50

Couldn't just read and run. When little mine loved the aquarium. Probably from about 6 months. Maybe a steam train trip. Or just train and buses - they enjoyed looking out of the windows sitting on my lap. Get a special box to keep all the momentos too. And believe in the strength of the human spirit.

NandH · 05/11/2013 08:20

Another here that couldn't read and run, I'm sooo sorry :(

Mine loved the aquarium also, I think because of the brightly coloured fishes and the way they moved. I also regularly look dd to a country park type place called moors valley, its in dorset and has a lovely lake with big fish jumping out the water, swans, 2 great play parks for all ages and a little train that went around the whole site. If you have a place like that around you then I'd advise it :) scrap book idea is brilliant also, what about when LO is able to sit and hold a pencil (if LO will/can) getting him/her to do a scribbly drawing for your scrap book, take photos while LO does this too.

Seaside is another thing my dcs love :)

Thanks
EugenesAxe · 05/11/2013 08:28

I just wanted to say how sorry I am Chottie. Young babies are all about sensory generally, so I agree with sea and aquarium (my DCs also loved visiting these). Maybe some ear protectors or fireworks through a window for something visual?

Perhaps visit a waterfall (High Force?) or other beautiful place; you can carry him next to your body, which would hopefully be nice for him anyway, and he can hear the birds, the wind etc.

DoudousDoor · 05/11/2013 08:50

I'm so sorry OP.

I've not experienced this type of loss but my toddler loves the aquarium, the sea and any running water. He can just sit and watch streams for hours.

Also for a younger baby just watching the leaves blow on the tree is nice. They are totally fascinated (and allow you to get some gorgeous pictures).

Definately lots of pictures and videos (make sure the sound is working - I have some of DS' laugh which are just golden, especially as it changes very quickly and you forget so easily). We have a gorgeous video of DS laughing his head of at his grandad who is wiping the floor with a muslin - god knows why he found it so funny but he did. So keep the camera close to hand at all times.

Trains and buses are also fantastic in DS' point of view.

For photos and videos i'd also take photos of mundane things like changing a nappy, feeding etc.

We have had his fingerprint made into a necklace which is lovely too.

My thoughts are with you.

HairHairHairHair · 05/11/2013 09:00

I'm so sorry OP.

I took DS on a steam railway up near Alton where they made all the trains look like Thomas the tank engine and friends. He was about 13 months and loved it.

bebopanddoowop · 05/11/2013 09:07

I'm so sorry OP. Much respect for you having this attitude of making the most of your time and making memories.

I echo what others said and what you have already thought of. I'd say re: photos also make sure you get photos with you / family in the shot too. And print out and back up the photos as you go.

moldingsunbeams · 05/11/2013 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatABeautifulPussy · 05/11/2013 10:34

I'm so very sorry :(

I can't imagine what I would want to do except cuddle my DC all the time. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

If you can't go far outdoors maybe bring the outdoors to him. A shallow box from Ikea can be filled with leaves and conkers or cut grass and flowers. It's also great for playing with water, gloop, paint, anything really.

Theoldhag · 05/11/2013 10:44

No words can express the sadness that you are facing. I could not read and run, these words came to mind reading your op.....

Love like starlight never dies

Sending you hugs, may you seize the day and spend your lo's time here filled with love, enjoying the time you do have together immersing into the sensory world that is around us.

LoveAndDeath · 05/11/2013 10:48

Chottie, I am so sorry. My baby died aged 7 weeks but in our case it was totally unexpected.
Take loads and loads of photos and video footage and back them up remotely, maybe on FB or flicker. We use a service called mozy which backs up everything on the PC in case it crashes. We have only one video of dd. She didn't really do very much as a baby so there wasn't much to video but I really wish we'd taken more all the same.

OneStepCloser · 05/11/2013 10:48

I`m so sorry, I havent walked this path, but I would try to build as many memories thoughout the next few seasons if I could capturing as many on film or in photos.

Much much love to you and your family x

hillyhilly · 05/11/2013 10:49

I am so sorry to hear this.
Maybe choose some books too, you can start reading to him now and he will get familiar with the words and rhythm (The Gruffalo and others by Julia Donaldson are great for rhythm I find) and as he grows up they will have a familiarity that if he ends up poorly and bed bound could be comforting to you both as something to do. Similarly maybe hand puppets or cuddlies.
Don't forget to take care of yourself/ves too.

Sidge · 05/11/2013 10:50

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news.

Is your baby able to travel much or interact with others? I'm not sure if his health or physical capabilities would prevent it but toddlers tend to love animals so we would visit the zoo, aquarium, petting parks etc.

I live near the sea (100 yards!) so if you want a trip to the seaside let me know and I'll help you organise it!

Maybe arrange a professional family photo session as well as home video and pictures?

I hope you have support from those who love you and professionals that can support and guide you through these painful but precious times. Flowers

specialsubject · 05/11/2013 11:15

I cannot imagine how you feel and send you deepest sympathy and love.

regarding pictures - I suggest making a separate copy on a different hard drive (they aren't expensive now), and also on DVDs. Then keep them at someone else's house, well wrapped and possibly in an attic so secure. Online backup always risks the company going bust, doing it yourself means you always have control.

magimedi · 05/11/2013 12:20

So sorry - I have no advice that the others above have given (especially aquarium) but didn't want to read & run.

Flowers
MarianForrester · 05/11/2013 12:40

So sorry about your boy.

Haven't been there, but at that age my boy loved a little singing group thing we went to every week. Tbh, I thought the idea was silly when we first wentBlush but he just really seemed to love the music and the familiarity of the songs. There was one in particular which always cheered him up too, which was handy...

Patilla · 05/11/2013 12:43

Past one years old a tourist type train can be very exciting.

But sometimes experiences rather than trips can be just a special - waking them up if it starts to snow, a walk in the dark with torches, hugging on the sofa with favourite books, rainy day picnics in the lounge.

I haven't been through your journey but te things I remember from DS' infant hood were the routines, familiar patterns - a drink and shared cake at a local
Cafe then jumping in puddles in the car park, our weekly trip to the pool, favourite books I had forgotten about but rediscovered with DD.

I think at this age the most important things is that they feel
Secure and loved and we found this most often happened when we actually tried to do slightly less. Big days more often resulted in meltdowns!

Thinking of you though. You are doing amazingly to be making these plans to enjoy your family time together.

Patilla · 05/11/2013 12:46

Oh and take photos not just of their face. Hands and feet at the obvious things but I am currently in love with the nape of DD's neck and she is just two months older. I also love her profile I see when breast feeding her.

And as your DC starts to make noises try recording them. Perhaps a recording of you singing and their "singing" back?

trulymadlydeeply · 05/11/2013 17:35

Chottie,
I'm so so sorry to hear what you have to say, and say so bravely. I have not walked in your shoes, but yes, yes, to videos and photos. My DC are older now, but I came across baby videos I'd completely forgotten about, this summer, and they transported me back to the joy that was their babyhood.
Water, leaves, sea, days outside and with animals are what our 3 loved.
Much love and hand-holding to you. Keep posting, my lovely.
XXX

Mama1980 · 05/11/2013 17:40

I'm so sorry. I haven't any experience but couldn't read and not reply. My ds is nearly one and the things he loves doing are outdoorsy type things, the beach, the forest anything tactile and unpressured. Also I agree with masses of photos and videos. Depending where you are in the country I also had my sons handprint 'cast' in glass, it looks beautiful.
Keep posting if it helps, the support on this site Is amazing. X

BlackberrySeason · 05/11/2013 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaquelineHyde · 10/11/2013 22:29

So sorry to hear your news Chottie.

Christmas tree lights for the first time are usually magical for small babies and children, catching this on video/photo would be lovely.

Maybe make a decoration out of a print of a hand or foot and each year you can take it out and hang it on the tree and share Christmas together.