Went to the cemetery yesterday

[JellyNump]

We haven't been in a while and really wanted to go but when we got there I just felt even further away from Jesse. It feels like I can't find him. I wanted to go to see him but when we got there, he wasn't there??? Does this make sense? :(

How sad.

I don't have any experience of this Jellynump but couldn't leave your post unanswered.

I suppose having lost close family though I do know what you mean, it is often an anti-climax when you go isn't it? The lonely sense is often there when I go too and makes me feel that the real memories and thoughts pop up when you are not at the cemetary but when you least expect it. You must still grieve for Jesse so much and the sense of loss and distance probably reflects that so much.

The only thing I can say is that my loved ones are in every sense with me all the time. In thhat I remember them with tears and joy at different times and usually when I least expect too.

Is there anything you and Jesse did or went (I realise he was very little but a day trip or odd place even) that he feels more linked too than a cold cemetary? One of my closest people I knew loved a local place where they let all the lambs out in the spring to run about in the sun. I go every spring and it makes me cry so much but that is where 'they' are more than anywhere else.

Hope that helps and I'm thinking about you.

xxxx

I think as bereaved mums we desperatly try and find a way to get close to our children, a way to try and find them again as if they are lost somewhere, there is a desperate need to be able to smell them and hold them again.
I visit Freya's grave 3 or 4 times a week and even take her toys, sweets, presents as if she was still here but i feel no closer to her there.
Freya is with me everywhere, she is in my thoughts and in my heart every second of everyday just as i'm sure jesse is with you.:(

Recently I haven't really felt him as close as I used to, we have been really busy with dd arriving in early March and we've sold our house. I was looking forward to going to the grave as we haven't been able to get there as much as I'd like and yes, it did feel like an anti climax.
One thing that does make me think of him is the Sony Bravia advert, with all the rubber balls rolling down the hill, I'm not sure why, but when I see it I think 'Jess would have loved to watch that'. I had set his picture as our pc desktop background but dh changed it, he said it was too upsetting to see his picture, I have him on my phone background, but I feel a bit like I can't have his pictures up.

I cant offer any advice as i haven't been through hell like you have .I am so sorry for you ,and i just wanted to say that rest assured your angel child Jesse is safe in spirit and forever in your heart .
I love that advert by the way.
it is making me well up just typing on this thread.
Love and hugs to you!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi,
Its 12 years since Matthew died and I still hate going to the cemetery. Sometimes I just cant face it, esp in the winter. I know everyone says hes not really there, but I still can`t stop myself thinking thoughts of him being there, seeing his name on the headstone breaks my heart every time I read it. It all feels so wrong, so unfair, and just breaks my heart. So my love to you because I know how hard it is. xxx

Jellynump, I have to go to bed, but wanted to say that your OP made perfect sense to me. I am going to the cemetery tomorrow to see my son. I feel like with each birthday he is getting further away from me. Re the pictures, I have a locket with his photo in so he is always with me, but it's not on display so your dh wouldn't be upset by it IYSWIM.

Hope tomorrow is brighter, some days are naturally like this.

I have a locket with Jesse's hair in it. I haven't got a photo small enough to put in it yet, i'm going to see if i can resize one on the pc.
Sometimes when I go to the cemetery i get a really weird feeling where i want to get him out and cuddle him, which i obviously can't and i wouldn't like to think what he might be like now??!?! and then sometimes its just such an anti climax and i feel like he's not there. Dh keeps going on about moving to France, but i can't leave Jesse behind, even moving to another part of Bristol I couldn't face, even tho i don't feel any closer next to his grave. t feels a bit like this is running our lives now, living close to the cemetery.

My dear JellyNump,

because we know each other I know what you had to go threw and you know that I'm always there for you!! I want to say I understand how you feel, but of course I can't... but I remember when I did hold Jesse for the first time a few days after he was born... and it always makes me very very sad when I think about him. He would be a big brother now and he would love his sister!!! And I'm a 100% sure that he is her Guardian Angel who is with her all the time to look after his little sister. He is always there even when you sometimes don't feel him.

And I want that you don't hide his pictures or things because of ur DH...and if u don't want to move to France than don't.. I couldn't move away from him either if I was you. Your DH maybe deals different with the loss of Jesse, but he has to respect ur feelings, and it is important to tell DD about her big brother as well and that he lives in heaven to look after you all. I hope that you can help other Mummy's and Daddy's who go threw the same feelings as you. I hug and Kiss u lot's my JellyNump God bless xxxx MummyDany