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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Any Advice Please (not quite sure what to do)

20 replies

munchkinsmummy · 23/05/2006 12:25

On the 1st May 2006 I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks (baby would have been due 4th Dec). I have just had a call from my sister to say that she is pregnant and her due date is 10th december.
We both already one child. I thought that i was coping quite well but this phonecall has turned everything upside down again and i i feel terrible. I know i should be pleased for my sister, but i am just so upset. Does anyone have any ideas or advice?

OP posts:

Esmummy · 23/05/2006 12:28

No ideas or advice but you are bound to feel like this, I was say it would be unusual for you not to. I'm sure all of your emotions have beewn brought back to the surface again but time should help.

twocatsonthebed · 23/05/2006 12:33

So sorry to hear about this. It is really hard - when I had my miscarriage, two of my closest friends were also pregnant. Even when the babies were born, I found it really difficult to be around them, and wouldn't pick them up or anything.

I think the only way round this is to be honest with your sister, and explain. (I had to call up one friend, as I was due to come round to see the baby for the first time, and say I almost couldn't do it, please would she understand if I just ignored him. She did understand, fortunately).

The awful truth is - I'm not sure I should say this - but the only thing that made a difference was my being pregnant again. Otherwise I don't think my feelings would have changed much.

lucykate · 23/05/2006 12:36

i know how you feel. i was pg in 2004, due on the 12th sept but miscarried at 11 weeks. a week later my brother announced he and his wife were expecting again, also due on the 12th sept. i was miserable about it at the time, their baby was 3 weeks early and when i found out he'd been born, we were in a pub having tea and i just burst out crying. its natural to feel upset over things like poinient (sp?) dates.

when your sisters baby arrives, don't feel bad about it making you feel sad, you need to let those feeling out. your family will understand that although you are pleased for your sister, the other feelings are still so raw for you.

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 12:37

It's only a couple of weeks since your miscarriage, so you are bound to be feeling a bit raw at your sister's news.

I would (in your shoes) try to keep my bad feeling from my sister, but don't beat yourself up over any negative feelings this pregnancy brings out, iyswim. It is your right to grieve over the loss of your 2nd pregnancy, and I'm sure your sister is aware of the unfortunate timing of her own announcement and so hopefully she will keep it a bit more low key around you for a few weeks.

LucyJones · 23/05/2006 12:37

Does your sister know you were pregnant? I think if you explained the situation to her she would be very understanding hopefully.

SKYTVADICT · 23/05/2006 12:37

Really sorry to hear how you are feeling. I had mc on 7 April and like you say you think you are coping quite well and then something happens to upset the apple cart!

Does your sister know about your mc? If she doesn't perhaps you should talk to her about it. I am sure she will understand why you are upset.

Original poster

munchkinsmummy · 23/05/2006 13:15

many thanks for answering so quickly. My sister knows all about the m/c, but she didn't mention anything about it today, she was just to exicited about being pregnant again. I spoke to our mum who i am very close too but even she sounded happy, i just wish that i didn't feel this bad but all i keep thinking of is that i am going to have a constant reminder of what i have lost.

OP posts:

Tommy · 23/05/2006 13:20

Please just give it some time... I had a m/c last April and my SIL was due in June. She was worried about how I would be feeeling towards her and, although I was fine and duly delighted when she had her baby girl, when I went shopping for a present I burst into tears in Mothercare looking at the baby girl's clothes
I think the thinkg about miscarriage - and any bereavement tbh, is that it's when you're not expecting it that it will hit you hardest.
Hang in there - I'm sure when your beautiful nephew or niece is born it will help you

retailtherapist · 23/05/2006 21:05

Poor you..It must be so difficult for you having someone so close to you pregnant. I have had 2 m/c this year and am surrounded by expectant mothers and new babies. It is very hard not to feel jealous and I find myself constantly comparing thier bumps to how mine would have been.
Although initially everyone is sympathetic I think thier excitement just takes over and they don't realise just how much even the sight of thier beautiful bumps hurts.
I hope that you can feel pleased for your sister eventually but I too found that the only comfort for me was getting pregnant again.

Original poster

munchkinsmummy · 23/05/2006 22:08

This is probably the worst thing about this situation is that me and my sister aren't that close, we live 200 miles apart and see each other once every 3/4 months. We don't talk regularly on the phone, but she is still my sister.

OP posts:

pinkhearts · 23/05/2006 22:23

I know exactly how you feel. I had a miscarriage on 24/4 and was due to have my baby on October 25. I was having my moments until my sister who lives overseas rings to say she was pregnant - I was happy for her but then she proceeded to tell me her due date is Ocotober 25. I felt like awful like God was playing a cruel trick on me.

My youngest sister is due September 27, so my poor Mum whom we are are close to feels sad, angry and happy but very supportive of all of us.

I am happy for my sisters but I can't talk to my sister on the phone yet (one who is o/s) as I think I would cry the whole time so I am just emailing her trying to be positive and supportive of her. She understands this but the whole thing is very hard for me, so I am just accepting that I am going to be having my sad moments and that is OK.

Sending you lots of (((hugs)) as I know how you feel.

Original poster

munchkinsmummy · 23/06/2006 20:53

first AF since m/c started today, feel really lousy. Midwife has given me a chart to plot my temp so that we can ttc again, feeling slightly moew positive now although i haven't spoke to my sister since she called. Has anyone had any experience with these temp charts???

OP posts:

coggy · 25/06/2006 22:25

If you go onto the conception bit, there is a temping thread where you can ask advice/compare data etc.
I can sympathise as my cousin had a ds 13 days after my ds was stillborn.

mears · 25/06/2006 22:30

munchkinsmummy - why would you need to use temp charts? Did you have a problem conceiving? I had one period after my miscarriage and fell pregnant again without 'trying'. I just feel you might be putting yourself under immense pressure trying to get pregnant when it could happen on it's own.

Original poster

munchkinsmummy · 26/06/2006 18:44

took 5 years to get dd and then 2 years for the one i lost.

OP posts:

coggy · 26/06/2006 18:59

took me nearly 5 years for my ds who died.
Now been ttc again for just over a year.

No-one suggested we did temping. I do use ovpk which told me that I ov really late and had a short luteal phase. Wish I had been told these things years ago.

Original poster

munchkinsmummy · 26/06/2006 23:12

coggy - so sorry to hear about your son. I always feel really selfish when other people have clearly lost so much more than I have. which ovpk do u use?

OP posts:

coggy · 27/06/2006 00:22

There are always people better and worse off than we are.
You can't help how you feel so it isn't selfish I don't think.

I used the Clearblue digital ones - REALLY easy to read/use.
I don't know why the NHS don't make us, with fertility issues, more aware of our cycle and what we can do to help!
I've learnt alot since discovering MN.

Original poster

munchkinsmummy · 07/08/2006 08:18

Sister goes for her 20 week scan today. I have got used to the idea of her being pregnant but the whole m/c thing is so painful.

OP posts:

sandcat · 08/08/2006 16:07

Hello, am new to mumsnet. I have been reading your thread and a similar thing happened to me. I was 10wks when I m/c. That was june 2004. I thought I coped really well. In the dec my sister announced she was due in aug. I was devastated, even more when two of my friends announced that they were due in the Jan. I spent the whole time of my sisters pregnancy jealous and found it hard to even talk to her, let alone see her. The only thing as someone else said that made it better was me finding out I was pregnant the day she delivered. i now regret the way I was and feel awful for the way I treated her. She understands but I still feel bad. It will be hard for you to show your joy, but don't be too hard on yourself, she will understand.

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