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Original poster

Helping a friend who has lost her baby

13 replies

Msbluesky32 · 03/04/2013 14:17

I met a lady through an ante natal group and we've all become very close. She lost her baby this week and I have no idea what to do. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and the majority of the group are still waiting for their babies to arrive. What, if any, support could we offer her? Any advice gratefully received. I'm making a card to send and will probably send flowers for the funeral but is there anything else I could do? ...realising of course that seeing me (and the rest of us) pregnant will most probably be upsetting for her.
Thank you in advance

OP posts:
mrsharkness2 · 03/04/2013 17:08

Having lost a baby myself at 20 weeks and then one at 12 weeks, I know that nothing or nobody in the world could make me feel better at the time, such a horrible low time. All I wanted was my babies back but I do remember the kind words that friends and family wrote in cards and also their phone calls, although didn't exactly make me feel better, I felt that they were there if I needed them.
I would send her your card and flowers and just let her know you're there if she needs you for anything.
You're right, seeing you still pregnant will be very hard for your friend, nothing can take away the hurt that her baby has gone but she is lucky to have a friend like you who wants to help in some way.
Take care of yourself x

Original poster
Msbluesky32 · 03/04/2013 17:32

Mrssharkness2 I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for the advice, it's much appreciated.

OP posts:
Nobhead · 05/04/2013 09:49

I lost my baby at 19 weeks at the end of Feb and it is probably the most heartbreaking and devastating thing I have ever been through. I spoke to an ex work colleague of mine last week who lost her little boy when he was 3 weeks old and she described everything I was feeling. There is literally nothing more painful than the loss of a child IME. We both said that although nothing anyone says can make it better, there are also people who mean well but say totally the wrong thing (everything happens for a reason and there was obviously something wrong springs to mind).
The best thing you can do and what I found comforting was flowers and cards that simply said that thoughts and prayers are with you. There is a beautiful verse someone quoted on Mums net that really stuck with me "An angel, in the Book of Life, wrote down your baby?s birth. Then whispered as he closed the book, Too beautiful for Earth.?
I'm weeping now looking at that. Perhaps you could put do
something like this in the card you send.

Original poster
Msbluesky32 · 05/04/2013 17:42

nobhead that is a lovely verse, thank you for sharing it.

We are all very cautious of causing her anymore upset but keen to ensure she doesn't feel like we are outing her as she has said she would like to keep in touch. I painted a sympathy card a few days ago, just thinking about what to write inside...

I'm very sorry for your loss, I can only imagine what it must feel like.

OP posts:
whistleahappytune · 05/04/2013 17:54

OP, I think you are a lovely and sensitive person! You are instinctively realising that 1) it will be difficult for her to see you pregnant right now, although 2) you don't want to oust her from the circle of friends.

Having gone through this, I can only say that I would appreciate a card from you acknowledging this. Say how sorry you are, your thoughts are with her, and that you realise that it may be too raw for her right now to be with other pregnant women. Ask if there's a funeral and perhaps the group could chip in together and send some flowers and a sympathetic note. Check in with her again in a few of weeks time.

I'm sure you wouldn't say this, but whatever you do, please don't advise her "she can always have another".

whistleahappytune · 05/04/2013 17:57

Also OP, I don't know if you are religious at all, but when this happened to me, a friend (actually then she was more of an acquaintance) said that she would light a candle at temple for the baby. She's Hindu. She barely knew me and I was really touched by that gesture.

SauvignonBlanche · 05/04/2013 18:00

The worst thing is to say nothing, I found that very hurtful, just saying anything is comforting.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/04/2013 18:00

If you are close friends, are you sure she wouldn't want you at the funeral? Is there anyone you could check with? I would hate for her to feel like she wanted the support but everyone stayed away for fear of upsetting her more...

Please note I have NO experience with this, just thinking off the top of my head. OP you sound like a very caring and considerate person.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 05/04/2013 18:12

Just call her and ask her how she feels and what she wants, when my son died people hid away from me assuming I didn't want to be around babies, when my daughter died a good friend of mine was pregnant and literally disappeared. If they had just asked I would have said yes or no but the assumption on my behalf was horrible.

She will appreciate you being honest with her and talking to her.

The fact you are even thinking about how you can comfort her given that you have so much going on says a lot about you as a person Thanks

I agree with pp, don't say anything about trying for another baby, or that their baby is in a better place or any of the other cliches. Do ask about her baby when you feel she is ready to talk, ask about hair colour, name, weight, maybe to look at photos if you can, but only if you really feel she is ready and wants to, she is still a Mum her baby isn't in her arms but will remain in her heart forever. Its horrible being a new Mum without a baby and not being able to talk about your precious child for fear of upsetting others.

Also remember the date and send a card or flowers or even a message next year to let her know you still remember, that will mean the world to her.

Moiraine · 06/04/2013 19:13

My son was stillborn on Tuesday. I would have been 36 weeks on Wednesday. Whilst there's nothing anyone can say that takes away the pain, I am so thankful for all the kind words we've had - from short text messages which don't say much more than that they don't know what to say but wish they did, through to beautiful cards and letters which say lovely kind things. It's not any one of them that helps, so much as the fact that there are actually lots of people that care. And that matters, somehow.

Moiraine · 06/04/2013 19:18

And totally agree with missy "don't say anything about trying for another baby, or that their baby is in a better place or any of the other cliches. Do ask about her baby when you feel she is ready to talk, ask about hair colour, name, weight, maybe to look at photos if you can, but only if you really feel she is ready and wants to, she is still a Mum her baby isn't in her arms but will remain in her heart forever. Its horrible being a new Mum without a baby and not being able to talk about your precious child for fear of upsetting others."

greengoose · 06/04/2013 19:33

You sound like a thoughtful friend, and I'm sure you will find what you want to say, and say it as well as you can.
My little girl should be having her 1st birthday next week, she died when she was six days old. Lots of things passed in a blur, but I will never forget how kind people were. (And the few who just didn't manage to say anything!)
My advice is find out if her baby has been given a name, and use it, more than just on the card. This is hugely important to every mum I know who has lost a child. The other thing is don't say anything religious unless you know it will be well received, I am not religious and really struggled with people saying my baby was in heaven, they were praying, or some such thing, ( it comforted them, not me!)
I know different people cope with seeing pregnant women, and new babies, differently. I would ask her what she wants, and check back with text/call/note again in a while.
Thanks you sound lovely!

scottishmummy · 07/04/2013 01:00

You're v thoughtful
Acknowledge the loss,something like sorry to hear sad news thinking of you at difficult time
IMO,no poems about angels,no platitudes of better place,just be as yiu always are shell appreciate the normality

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