How to say goodbye and make it feel more real??

[glitternanny]

Posting for a friend:

Anyone have any experience of not being able to attend the funeral of a very good friend!

I was unable to attend my best friends funeral :'( I feel like I've let her down and that I can't move on because I haven't really said goodbye! :'(

Her husband called me this morning and told me what a beautiful service it was! I would of given anything to be there and said a proper goodbye! Instead I released a balloon at the time of her funeral, at her husbands request! IT just doesn't seem enough!

I don't feel like she's really gone, and I don't really know where I go from here!?

Has anyone else been in the same position!!

Is there any chance she could visit her grave, or perhaps if she was cremated, go to the scattering of her ashes?

No unfortunately not :(

How about writing a letter to her? Just say how you feel, from your heart. You may want to keep the letter somewhere safe, or let it go into the air on a balloon... I don't think it matters where, but it may help to write to her

I go to a lot of funerals as I'm a member of the clergy and one of the functions of a service whether religious or secular is to face the reality of death - the coffin is present and then in leaves whether that is in burial or cremation. People who are at the funeral have a chance to say goodbye to a physical presence. You haven't had that opportunity. Don't beat yourself up about it. If visiting the grave or being present at the scattering of ashes is not possible then saying goodbye will have to be happen in another way.

Letting go of a ballon or writing a letter are really good ideas. Or it may be that you plant a rose in your garden for her or give money to a charity in her memory. Your local church might be able to do a very short private service for you where the vicar can say prayers for your friend. and those left behind. Oddly enough having someone 'official' say the words can be helpful. Or maybe find some words and poetry and get a group of you together who knew your friend together and have an informal memorial service.

Hope this helps and I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm not totally sure that going to the funeral does necessarily give you closure. I found my father's funeral a bit surreal, even though I helped plan it with my mother, carried his coffin and threw earth on it too. I suspect I won't really feel he has gone until something comes along and I feel I want to turn to him and he's not there.

One thing that my mother has really really appreciated was all of my father's friends and work colleagues writing to her about him. Perhaps that's something your friend could do? The very nicest letters had a few recollections in them, memories of things he'd said or done and how much that had meant to them. They were all goodbyes to him really. Of course your friend might have already done that. Another idea might be to visit somewhere or do something special to your friend and her best friend, as a sot of commemoration of their relationship.