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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

brave cousin lost her battle with cancer yesterday-leaving behind two dc's

16 replies

rosabelrain · 14/08/2011 09:39

my darling cousin, whom i have been very close to, lost her fight yesterday. leaving behind two dc's, 4 and 11.
the end came very suddenly, we all thought she had a few more months.
Her dc's were away on holiday, they didnt get to say good bye to their mummy, i just feel so sad for them all.
their dad is not on the scene, and they will be adopted by their uncle and his wife. i just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on how to support the children, talk to them about everything.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 14/08/2011 09:42

I have no idea how to look after those poor DC other than hugs, cuddles and truth, but I am crying into my porridge.

I didn;t get t say goodbye to my dad and I was 23. Poor wee children.

ElectricSoftParade · 14/08/2011 09:43

I'm so sorry to hear this. Afraid I don't have any advice but will keep your family in my thoughts today. I am so sorry.

FriskyMare · 14/08/2011 09:45

Just be there to hold them, let them cry, talk when they want to, and be as supportive as you sound.
Love to you all at such a sad time x

Glendaisgrumpy · 14/08/2011 09:48

Oh I'm so sorry. My cousin lost his wife last year leaving two dc. It is extrordinarily painful.

missdisorganised1 · 14/08/2011 15:45

How horrible. I struggled at age 17, but 4 and 10 would be so much harder. Life is so unfair and so unkind sometimes.

nickschick · 14/08/2011 15:49

I think the 11 year old will be most hit by this - I lost my mum when I was 11 its very important that things dont change too much and that theres lots of time to talk about 'stuff' ,I remember feeling like I didnt actually 'belong' anywhere it was as though it was all just 'temporary' - my dh lost his Mum when he was in his 30s and like he said 'your always a little boy whilst your mums around'.

Im so sorry for your loss x.

Original poster

rosabelrain · 14/08/2011 21:34

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. It is tragic to lose a parent at any time, but seems especially cruel when the children are so little. The 11yr old has had to cope with so much this last year, including the death of her dear grandpa only 6 weeks ago, she seems to have shut herself off a bit from reality, which is understandable, as it's been pretty grim at times.
I just hope that she comes through this terrible situation knowing how much she is loved by all of us who are still here. and that we arent going anywhere. i think she feels very abandoned, by her dad initially, grandpa and now mummy. i am going to stay with them tomorrow and just be there to talk and cuddle and cry and play.. like you said nickschick, i too think it's important to try to keep things as normal as possible.
i just feel so sad.

OP posts:

lavandes · 14/08/2011 22:20

My son died suddenly last year leaving a son aged 9 and son's brother ( who he had treated the same as his son) aged 12. They of course still have their Mum but they have coped so well. I think you just have to wait and see how they cope. We were waiting for them to 'crumble' but so far this has not happened. They were both very close to their dad, but so far they seem ok. Children seem to cope better than adults, they see things in black and white, they do not see the sad grey areas inbetween. This advice was given to me by a mumsnet friend who has lost 2 sons and also has other sons. Just listen to them and let them know it is ok to talk about their feelings. 'Being there' is the most important thing at the moment. x

LottieJenkins · 14/08/2011 22:26

Hi, sorry for your loss. My husband died when my ds was just five. Winstons Wish Were a great help to us!!! They support children through bereavement!

Original poster

rosabelrain · 15/08/2011 09:34

thankyou for sharing your stories and advise.
i have just looked up winstons wish, what a wonderful charity. they have a guide to supporting bereved children which i am going to give to my family so as we can try to help these children as best we can.
there was a deeply moving article on there called 'how to tell your children daddy is dead' which addresses the way children grieve, and how to help them in the years to come here is the link
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/apr/30/barbara-want-husband-bereaved-children
thanks again

OP posts:

LottieJenkins · 15/08/2011 10:58

They really are amazing! When i had my 40th birthday party i didnt have presents. I asked for donations and split them between my sons special school and WW!!

GingerbreadGiraffe · 18/08/2011 19:39

Hello Rosa.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't really have advice but I wanted to say thank you posting that article from the Guardian. I had a significant family loss (sibling) aged 3 and now in my mid 30s I can see how it has impacted every bit of my life. And continues to do so. I believe this is because no one understood grief in children or tried to help me.

You sounds lovely and like you will be a hugely important part of the childrens lives.
GBG x

Ilovegeorgeclooney · 21/08/2011 00:01

Just want to add to the praise of Winston's Wish, they have been invaluable to myself and my children.

Original poster

rosabelrain · 25/08/2011 00:00

hi
i just wanted to say thanks for your thoughts and words.
it's my cousins funeral tomorrow and i have been in a turmoil all evening thinking about her poor children and how sad they must be feeling. i just cant think of anything which would be of comfort to them.
The oldest is quite aware of everything going on, but the little one keeps asking where's mummy, when is she coming home. it's just heart breaking. i thnk the oldest feels alot of responsibility, and is kind of making light of her feelings, i guess when things have quietened down she will have time to grieve in her own way.
i am meant to be singing during the service, but now i just dont know how i'll do it without crying.
GBG, I'm sorry to hear about your sibling, and sad that you didnt get the help you needed at the time. I dont know if you have had any berevement councelling, but it may help, even afer all these years. take care x
x rosabelrain

OP posts:

aleene · 25/08/2011 00:05

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin, and I hope you get through tomorrow. I can't offer any more advice apart from being there for the children. I'm sure you will be a great support to them in the future.

Columbia999 · 25/08/2011 00:06

So sad to read this, it's tragic that the poor children had their mum snatched away from them so cruelly. It's important that the older child is given the time and space to talk about her feelings, as bottling it up can do a lot of damage (and I speak from experience).
However, it's good that the children have such a loving family to look after them and help them to come to terms with losing their mum.
Take care, Rosabelrain xx

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