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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

How do you rationalise/find peace with untimely death; if at all?

25 replies

toptramp · 02/07/2011 08:29

I don't have a problem with death as we all have to do it. I DO have a problem with the fact that mum died aged only 58. I know that there are peopl on here who have lost very young children and/or family members before old age.
How on earth do you find peace with it? I just cannot believe in a God who is so unfair.

OP posts:

sh77 · 02/07/2011 12:41

So sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my daughter very suddenly one day after she was born. It was the most shocking event of my life. The only thing that got me through it was my faith in God and that the length of our lives is pre-determined and totally out of our control. Also, faith that I will be reunited with her. I saw her in my dreams a few times, which was of huge comfort. I am not ok with her death and there is a part of me which still feels dead 2 years on but my faith helped to keep at bay anger, bitterness.

TrinIsASadSpottyFatRhino · 02/07/2011 12:43

so sorry for the loss of your mother

I dont believe in a god that is in control of what happens

I guess that helps

after the loss of dh I've come to realise that somtimes shit unfair things happen and thats it

KnittingRocks · 02/07/2011 12:47

toptramp, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and yours too sh77.

I lost a friend 10 years ago at the age of 39. She had two very young children and died of cancer. She was one of the healthiest, happiest and loveliest people you would ever meet and I do feel bitter still about her death.

I'm an atheist (as was my friend) and also could not believe in a god who would take my friend and yet leave others far less deserving of a long life to live til old age. So I don't think I've ever "found peace" with it. However, I look at her two beautiful children (teenagers now) and think that people live on in the people that loved them and remember them. There is nothing that I can do to bring her back, except try to live a life that makes me deserving of living, IYSWIM?

Not sure that really help, bereavement is such a personal grief and we all find our own way to live after loss.

KnittingRocks · 02/07/2011 12:47

x-posted Trin, yes, shit happens - sums up life really doesn't it .

FooffyShmoofferschinhair · 02/07/2011 12:57

I can fully understand your feelings. My DDad died almost 3 years ago at 59 yrs. He worked so many hours at manual work from the age of 15 often 12 hours a day to provide for us. He never got a much deserved break.
After his death people were shocked and so sad. He was described by many as the kindest man they knew and a true gentleman.
For quite some time after I would see men behaving atrociously, being horrible to their wives, kids, people in general and thought "why couldn't it have been you, you bastard? Why my Dad and not you?"
I came to realise after this had been consuming me for a while that it was extremely unhealthy and doing me no good. What was done, was done. It was the shittiest thing ever but it was done.
Sorry I'm rambling and I don't have an answer but I realise that the crappest things happen and you have to accept and move on. All you are accepting is the inevitability that it comes to us all.
Also, I no longer belive in God.

CalamityKate · 02/07/2011 13:08

I think a belief in God can actually hinder acceptance and moving on, because it's too easy to get bogged down in the idea that "someone" decides what happens and to whom, and that therefore anyone going before their "time" is unfair.

tallulah · 02/07/2011 13:50

Fooffy my dad died when he was 62. He had been very active and sporty all his life, was very knowledgeable and loved by many people. There is no sense to it at all. The day he died I saw all these really elderly people hobbling about at a motorway service station and I was really really angry. Why were they alive and he was dead? Of course that is totally irrational and for all I knew they were all very loved by their own families.

The trouble is that we aren't used to death. My first experience of losing a close family member wasn't until I was 20.

It still sucks though :(

takeonboard · 02/07/2011 14:00

fooffy I could have written your post. Especially the feeling of "why are you here and my dad has gone, too soon" Age 61 nearly 7 years ago and I am in still in floods reading this.
OP i am so sorry for your loss, and everyone else who has posted, I wish I knew the answer but I have yet to rationalise/find peace, I still feel terribly cheated especially for my DS

FooffyShmoofferschinhair · 02/07/2011 14:11

takeonboard Unfortunately it's essential to "get on" but damn near impossible to "get over".

I can relate to your feelings regarding your son. My son is still grieving, He has developed anxiety issues that have slowly come to light as being linked to his Papas death. We still aren't sure how to handle it.

Toptramp I really hope you can find some peace. It's such a personal thing.

takeonboard · 02/07/2011 14:54

foofy Your poor boy, maybe berevement counselling would help him? I was given lots of leaflets at the time on how to explain death to children, they did say that older children often benefit from speaking to someone outside the family. My DS was only 3 so although very upset at the time, he can barely remember that awful day now, which is a good thing, I wish i could forget.......
I feel cheated for my DS because he absolutely hero-worshipped my dad and my dad doted on him and had so many plans for the future - teaching him how to do just about everything My DS still has 1 grandad who lives near enough but just can't be bothered to see him more than once a year. I have such great memories of time spent with my grandparents as a child and a feel very sad that my poor DS will have none of those memories.

lookout · 02/07/2011 19:43

My brother died at 24, 3 years ago, after being knocked down by a car. I don't think you find peace with it, you just get used to it, with time. My faith didn't help either, and has damn near disappeared because of all this. I find it hard to accept too that God would leave some and let others die. No help whatsoever. So ime so far, peace is elusive.

tallulah · 02/07/2011 19:56

Foofy how old is your DS? My DS1 took my dad's death very hard. He was 10. The others at 8, 6 and 11 took it more in their stride. We got CRUSE out and they visited DS1 weekly for several months, which really helped him.

takeonboard · 02/07/2011 21:46

oh lookout that is so tragic. I am not religious but cannot see how faith can survive when you lose a loved one prematurely and suddenly.

TrinIsASadSpottyFatRhino · 03/07/2011 07:21

takeonboard, I will never be able to forget tearing my three girls world and hearts apart when I had to tell them their dad was dead

It haunts me..

and the worst hit without a doubt was dd2 who was 4 and a half at the time

but noone will give her any help because she isn't the minimum age for any of the help

minimum ages are 7 or 8 for the things I think would help her immensely

I must say I did lose my rag once when trying to find some help and ended up saying ' so if you're under 7 your dad dying doesn't fucking matter then?'

not proud but lost it for a bit

Original poster

toptramp · 03/07/2011 08:51

Hi all. It is truly awful when one leaves behing very small sons and daughters. So sad. I think Winstons Wish is the one for tiny children Trin. It's awful that children under 7 aren't catered for. I am not sure I will ever come to terms with untimely death. I was saying to my sister that if we all had an alloted time scale of 90 years life would seem so much more fair but it sadly dosn't work like that.

OP posts:

takeonboard · 03/07/2011 09:41

Trin thats just awful and it does sound as though they are saying if you are under 7 your loss doesn't count, no wonder you lost it. Don't give up, i can't beleive there isn't an organisation out there to help children under 7.

When my dad died the NHS patient liason dept gave me a handful of leaflets about explaining and helping children come to terms with death and loss, i don't have them any longer as it was 7 years ago but you could try online or your local hospital as i remember they gave a list of organisations who specialised in helping children come to terms with the death of a loved one.
I hope you find some help and peace soon.

missdisorganised1 · 03/07/2011 16:43

It is a year and a bit since Mum and Dad died in a car crash. I was in the back of the car and survived so I guess it just wasn't my time to go.

Sometimes I still get cross that they left me behing to cope with all the crap. I am waiting now for my exam results to see if I can go to uni but if I don't make it I hope they "know" that I gave it my best shot in the circs!

KnittingRocks · 03/07/2011 19:57

Trin, my friend's children were 3 & 5 when she died and were given loads of help by Winston's Wish. I hope they can help you too.

missdisorganised, what a devastating loss - good luck with your exam results x

MavisEnderby · 03/07/2011 20:06

Hello,I'm so sorry about your mum.Dp died last year aged only 42.I'm not sure you totally "Come to terms" with it,and still have days where I want to hide under the duvet,but the bad days are lessening very slowly.I don't believe in God,because if he? she? exists,they have dealt me a f..ing shitey deal(also have disabled dd),I mustv'e been an evil person in a previous life:o.I also work with patients with life limiting illnesses,lots of them young,and find it hard to have faith in a greater being.I like to think its all random,and shit just happens sometimes,unfortunately.Thinking of you and sending much love,also to all others on this thread xxx

bemybebe · 03/07/2011 20:09

One cannot "come to terms". One can only learn to live with the loss.

Dearest Mum died age 55
Dearest Brother died age 23
My beautiful baby just died age 23 days (1st June)

Words cannot describe this pain. Hugs to all who experience losses of the loved ones.

MavisEnderby · 03/07/2011 20:12

I'm so sorry about your recent loss of your lovely baby,bemybebe.[[hug]]]] just for you xxxxxxxxxxxx

bemybebe · 03/07/2011 20:14

XXXXXXXXXX

islew80 · 04/07/2011 10:42

I am not even sure age has anything to do with it. It can be untimely when they are a good age. Dad died in his seventies but her has ready to go. Mum died at 80 but she was not ready. Indeed she was afraid of dying. Sister died in her fifties. She died in her sleep. Her dh and ds has no idea she was ill.
Although I think the most unimely one I know is someone who is fighting breast cancer whilst her sister her 2 weeks to live with the same disease.
Sorry to everyone for their losses.
Not sure how to rationalise it either.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 05/07/2011 14:02

My mum died at the age of 72 and I still feel she was too young, would I feel the same if she had been 82?? Probably!!! I feel cheated and robbed out of another 10-15 years with her..I feel angry with I see older ladies walking along, why them - why is my mum not walking along too!!!

My mum was one of lifes good ones - she spent years and years fundraising to build a new hospice where we lived - she was the most selfless person ever but still she was to have a dreadful last 5 years suffering from not one but two major conditions......I dont believe in God anymore although I wish that I did.

Hopefully the bitterness will fade for us one day - we can live in hope. I dont think personally that I will ever find peace with losing her but I do hope that soon the awful mental images of her suffering fade and I can remember the nice times. I hope I can get used to living the rest of my life without her as at the moment that thought drives me crazy!

Hugs to you xx

DizzyKipper · 06/07/2011 12:33

My dad died at the same age. I'm an atheist, so God as a means of coping hasn't entered into my consciousness. Instead I accepted that this is something that has happened to me that will always be cruel and unfair, it is something that will always hurt when I think about it. As soon as it had happened I had that outlook: it will always be unfair and it will always hurt. I think accepting the cruelty of life in part is a way of coming to terms with it, that doesn't mean it won't stop hurting though.

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