Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

My FIL passed away last night

22 replies

Bearskinwoolies · 17/12/2010 00:56

My lovely amazing FIL died with my dh, sil and his wife (my step mil) beside him.

In the last few years he has fought his way through and survived a serious stroke and four major heart attacks (two of which saw him actually die briefly).

He was such a fighter, and he never quit - he was always out and about doing things, generally for other people and was never happier than when he was tinkering with stuff.

How on gods earth will we do without this wonderful wonderful man?

OP posts:

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 17/12/2010 01:06

I'm very sorry for your loss Bearskin. I'm glad to hear he had his family around him at the end though, it must have been a comfort to both them and him. X

HelloOutThere · 17/12/2010 01:10

He sounds a lovely man. So sorry for your and the family's loss

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 17/12/2010 01:23

Thank you both - he was the most kindest of men; if there was something wrong or broken then he was just the man for the job. He endlessly volunteered for things, sometimes to the detriment of his own health but he loved life and loved living it.

My dh rang me from hospital yesterday evening to let me know what was happening and again not long after he died; and asked me to tell our dcs; he couldn't face it.

It just about broke my heart telling them, and my dd was nigh on hysterical.

I just wish there was more I could do.

OP posts:

welshandproud · 17/12/2010 02:28

I'm so sorry! I know there is nothing anyone can do to ease your pain right now but please believe me that your happy memories will keep him alive in your hearts, maybe not today but one day soon.

Today is the 16th anniversary of my mum's death. It took many years to remember her vibrant and alive rather than dying.But now i feel she is so close to me as my memories and photos help to keep her alive. I'll shed a tear at some point which is tinged with sadness of the knowledge that she never met any of her 7GC who she would have adored and they would have adored her back.

Give thanks for your FIL's time with you and all the ways he enriched your lives.

plupervert · 17/12/2010 09:40

"How on gods earth will we do without this wonderful wonderful man?"

He will stay with you, because it;s very clear you're not going to forget him. And perhaps he will live even more in you if you keep doing what you have "learned" from him - for example, keep the "helping others" part of him alive and active in the world.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 18/12/2010 04:05

Thanks everyone, it's much appreciated.

We've managed to get the funeral arranged today; my dh broke down at the funeral directors, (poor bloke) and my mil was
just a tower of strength at the time, but now it's almost as though she hasn't taken it
in at all.

The last funeral I was at was for my dd1, and I'm dreading this.

OP posts:

plupervert · 18/12/2010 16:31

When is the funeral?

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 19/12/2010 03:58

The funeral is on Thursday; my dh has decided to work on monday and tuesday, but has got the rest of the week off to get it all organised.

We had a quiet time at home today, and he really is struggling. He just realised last night that he doesn't have any parents now, or grandparents and was sobbing his heart out.

We have family visits to make later today, I'm hoping it will help him.

OP posts:

plupervert · 19/12/2010 21:41

I think it's hard to suddenly be the oldest generation. Poor man. Thank goodness he's having a good cry now, though. Although he feels like hell, it's so necessary.

Have a good week.

NorthernLurker · 19/12/2010 21:45

It may be a good idea for him to have the whole week off tbh. He's very raw and it's just hard to be around people when you feel like that. I went to work the day my grandfather died and I shouldn't have, I really shouldn't have. I work in a hospital and every couple I saw of a similar age to nan and gramps - legions as you can imagine - was just a knife to the heart. I stuggled through but I won't ever do that again. Sometimes we just need space - not to do anything - but just be for a while.
So sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 20/12/2010 15:49

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

There's no-one here who I can talk to about this; I have very little family and they live very far away.

Dh went to work this morning, quite unexpectedly. He said that he needed to be out doing something - anything.

Now all I have to do is get him and my dcs through the funeral, and support him from there.

Again, I'm so very grateful for your words of wisdom

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 20/12/2010 15:53

So sorry for your loss Bearskin.

Lovely to hear of you speak about your late fil in such a respectful and appreciative way. :) So hard that you had to tell the dcs, there is never a "good" time for a much loved parent/grandparent to die, but all the more painful at what is supposed to be a happy, joyful family time of year. :(

plupervert · 20/12/2010 18:36

The distraction may help him, but please make sure he takes time to grieve, or it could be coming back again, badly, for years. Sorry this is not comforting - after all, you just want the pain to stop - but it's true.

Good luck holding your course through this.

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 26/12/2010 00:20

Just wanted to let you know how things went on Thursday.

Dh stressed himself out a little beforehand, which I totally expected, but was very calm; he managed to assist in carrying in the coffin with his bil and other family members and cried his eyes out during the service.

He got absolutely blind drunk at the wake and ended up at home being violently sick and slept on the bathroom floor.

My dcs were fantastic the whole time; more tears from my dd than my ds but again I expected that.

On the whole the service, wake and the entire day went well.

Thanks so very much for listening

OP posts:

tigerbear · 26/12/2010 00:42

Oh Bear, well done to you all for getting through a really awful couple of days. Your Fil sounded lovely. Wishing you all a happier 2011.

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 26/12/2010 02:12

Thanks Tiger, I've got my fingers crossed and I know they need to be. (see christmas horror stories thread over in chat)

Nope- I'm going to be positive and say it's going to be a great year

OP posts:

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 26/12/2010 02:56

Oh Bearskin - missed this earlier - so :( for you and your family. I know there's never a good time for it to happen but it's very rough so close to Christmas. Your FIL will be with you in your hearts at least.

And I saw your horror story on the other thread - your DH must be so full of pent-up emotion, I'm not surprised he reacted the way he did (he probably would have anyway though - rightly so, IMO).

Sending you most unMNly hugs for you all. Hope 2011 is a better year.

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 27/12/2010 03:34

Thank you so much Thumb, definitely need all the hugs I can get

I can't remember the last time I saw him do something like that; but seeing your uncle attempting to grope your daughter would certainly send anyone off the deep end, alcohol related or not.

We've had a a quiet couple of days now; and my dh produced a pack of chinese lantern balloons earlier and we lit and released them in memory of my fil - was a lovely moment.

2011 will be better, or it will have me to answer to

OP posts:

plupervert · 27/12/2010 23:51

This is good to hear. About the lanterns, I mean. Not so sure about your uncle. What happened there?!

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 28/12/2010 16:40

My dh's uncle is a well known and enthusiastic 'accidental' groper when drunk. He seems to believe that despite his age (60's) he's the most irrestible thing on two legs to any woman around, including his dil and sil's.

Basically we called on them early during the day, and he appeared sober. When dh went to get our coats his uncle 'accidently' groped my boob as he tried to give me a hug.
Then before I could stop him he grabbed my dd (13) into a bearhug and grabbed/groped her bum just as my dh walked through the door, my dh let out this roar, took a few huge steps across the room and punched him. His uncle just flew across the sofa! (Dh is well over 6ft and broad, whereas his uncle is about 5'6ish)

He didn't attempt to go after him, just turned to his aunt and told her that his uncle wasn't to visit us anymore, and that we wouldn't be visiting them either for obvious reasons. She was horrified but was saying that he was drunk, as if that was a reasonable excuse!

My dd is shocked by the whole thing; and has since told me that it wasn't the first time he'd tried it, but she'd always managed to get away before. Def NOT going to tell my dh about that.

The whole family knows about it; dh's aunt rang around attempting to get sympathy on her side and has been flatly denied it. Apparently she is quite upset after finding out how many women in the family he's tried it on with.

Dh is ok about it now, he doesn't want to go back and break his fingers anymore [phew]

OP posts:

plupervert · 28/12/2010 17:08

Blimey, what a story. And what a provocation!

It does sound, though, from your DH's explosive reaction, as though he might bottle things up, so I do hope he manages to deal with his father's death properly, instead of leaving his grief to burst out violently, which it could do, again and again, if he doesn't watch it.

Original poster

Bearskinwoolies · 29/12/2010 04:17

His uncle is some piece of work; oh the stories I could tell!

He's prone to keeping things bottled up, so I am keeping a sharp eye out this time and hopefully will be able to help him deal with this better.

It's definitely some family though; they're all the best of friends because of their little quirks rather than in spite of them. I hope this latest groping incident will make his aunt see the light though. [fingers crossed]

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread