its mums birthday today, and its two years since

[trace2]

we lost her to cancer.i dont want to go to her grave as am not going to see her, but i feel guilty for not going, is this normal,

sorry i miss her

Trace - it's my personal belief (and I'm mot saying it's right, or others are wrong) that the grave doesn't contain your loved one, it contains the empty shell that they used to be in. Your mum's still with you wherever you are - you can talk to her any time, think about her any time, without having to go to a freezing cemetery that can feel pretty desolate & empty. Your mum won't be 'forgotten' if you don't go to her grave.

Trace I don't know whether it is normal or not. All I know is that we all deal with grief differently and please don't add guilt to your grief. I do hope that things get better for you

Norash Iklboo, thanks its just dad thinks i should go .sorry just had to tell sombody

Ikboo - I never visit my parents graves, it's a personal thing I know, but I just don't see the point. I think about them very very regularly.

sorry Trace2, addressed my post to Ikboo by mistake.

I agree with Iklboo in that it's my belief, too, that the grave doesn't contain the person who was buried there. A person's spirit, the essence of them, remains with the people who loved them, and you can find some of that spirit wherever you are. Everytime you think about your mum, look at her picture, remember something that you did, laugh about something that you did together, you are keeping your her memory alive, and that to me is more important than going to a graveside.

It might be an important part of your dad's grieving process to visit your mum's grave, but it doesn't have to be part of yours. You don't have to visit the grave in order to set aside some time to think about your mum.

Please don't feel guilty. I hope things feel better for you soon.

My dad dies 4 1/2 years ago and I have still not been able to go to this grave. What you are feeling is completely normal, everyone grieves differently and there are no set guidelines.

What I do on dad's birthday is get a couple of bunches of dads favourites flowers, put them in a fancy vase (reserved for these occasions only) and then put a picture at the side of him.

Do whatever feels right for you and please don;t be pressured by what other people think you should do.

MrsBubsDeVere thats a great idea gona go get someof mums and my favs lillies

If you feel like it, also when the kids have gone to bed, you could light a candle in their memory near the flowers, I also do that.

Trace - Don't feel guilty for not going it was my daughters 12 birthday on the 17th & i didn't have time to go & lay flowers they are always with you in your thoughts & heart what mrsbubsdevere said is a good idea . I buy a birthday card every year & light a candle thats my way of celabrating DD's birthday .You do what feels comfortable to you but please don't feel guilty.

4kids so sorry to here about your loss, at such a young age too.

I really dont like going to my sisters grave either, its been 3 1/2 years since she died. i have been maybe 5 times in that time. i just cant relay back to her. I feel guilty aswell

sorry for you loss. its just shit isnt it

i somtimes think why do we get to love someone, then lose them, its so sad and it bloody well hurts too