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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

sounds pathetic but i miss my mum

19 replies

suss · 23/08/2005 19:47

My Mum died nearly two years ago from cancer which was misdiagnosed and she died five days after we found out. The problem is she was my best friend and I got pregnant six months after she died after seven years of IVF DS is an IVF baby. When I was pregnant I put everything on hold and didn't think about it but now he's here i just want to talk to her and I can't.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 23/08/2005 19:50

Oh, it is not pathetic at all. I have no advise, but can totally imagine why you miss your mum and want to share your DS with her. Take care and I hope soemone is around who can offer some advise soon.

WigWamBam · 23/08/2005 19:59

I have no advice either, but you're really not pathetic to feel that way. You haven't let yourself grieve for her because of your pregnancy, and I think you need to allow yourself the time and space - as much as it takes - to grieve for the loss of your mum and her friendship.

Perhaps it would help to talk to someone like Cruse .

Nightynight · 23/08/2005 20:01

How very sad. It must have been a terrible shock to lose your mum like that.

puff · 23/08/2005 20:07

suss, you are not pathetic. What you feel is completely understandable - you lost her very suddenly, it must have been a dreadful shock.

My Mum committed suicide when I was pregnant with my first child. I miss her every single day and still struggle with the circumstances of her death.

If you haven't had any bereavement counselling, thn Wigwam's link to Cruse might be worth looking into.

thinking of you.

Puff xx

marthamoo · 23/08/2005 20:28

Doesn't sound at all pathetic to me - it sounds entirely natural. One of my friends lost her Mum 6 weeks before giving birth to her second child and she said she was so wound up in the pregnancy and having a new baby that her Mum's death didn't really hit her 'til her son was about 6 months old. Becoming a Mum, for many women, is a time when they turn to their own mother for advice and support. And my Mum is my best friend too so I can see just how much you must miss her Try Cruse - I have seen them recommended a lot - it doesn't matter a bit that it's two years since your Mum died. Take care - and don't try and ignore your grief, it's a process you need to go through and it takes a long time.

merrygoround · 23/08/2005 20:34

Although I have no real advice just have to say that I don't think you are at all pathetic. Agree that you don't seem to have time to grieve - which is a natural process and a very necessary one - and it must have been terrible for you to lose your mum. Take care, and it seems that some form of bereavement counselling could be a good idea. At least with a counsellor you won't feel "guilty" about taking their time, as it is their job to listen.

blodwen · 24/08/2005 08:23

I miss my mum too. She died a year ago on Saturday, from cancer, and it was much sooner than expected (we were all on holiday in France the week before). It is not at all pathetic of you - just normal. We have to go through these feelings. ((((Hugs)))) to you.

mumtosomeone · 24/08/2005 08:28

My Dad died 3 years ago!
I had just found out I was pregnant when he was taken ill..i had had a bad time before and my life was just on track again..got a wonderful new partner and the final piece was in my life jigsaw I was expecting!! Then my Dad was taken ill..weeks in intensive care etc and he died...my jigsaw was in pieces again and I dont think I will ever finish it now!
Your parents ar so special and you will always miss your mum. But trya nand remember the fun and the good times..try and remember with a smile.
I often go to ring him..then remember. Certain things make me cry!
When my baby was born I cried and cried because Dad hadnt waited to see him, but he is here somewhere watching over me! when days are hard.. I know he is here!
I hope you feel better!

Original poster

suss · 24/08/2005 10:25

thanks its nice to know that i am not completely nuts. I have a distinct lack of female company now in my family, a father and three brothers all of whom are very male and have dealt with my mums death very neatly. Two of them are now expecting children so I wonder how they will feel too. I am going home for the first time with DS and I am finding it all a bit stressful as I don't have th easiest relationship with my dad, and DS isn't sleeping all that well. Thanks to you all for messages

OP posts:

mumtosomeone · 24/08/2005 10:33

they appear to be coping with it as you probably do to them.
Its hard going home,whilst your not there you can pretend they are iyswim

flamesparrow · 24/08/2005 10:34

I wish I had some words of comfort for you

I don't know what I would do without my mum. I agree with WWB about grieving. You have had your pregnancy and your baby, things will be finally settling as regards to you being a mummy, and now its time for you to stop to mourn your loss - both of a mum and a friend.

There is nothing I can say that can take your pain away. I do believe that she is with you though... probably more as things settle and you grieve, you will notice her around you more - sudden warmth inside you unexpectedly, a scent on the wind that shouldn't be there.

She will be in your heart and soul forever.

xxx

wilbur · 24/08/2005 10:35

Suss, I feel for you so much. I lost my mother 8 years ago now, very suddenly, and since she has been gone I have got married and had three beautiful children, none of which I have been able to share with her. It felt so wrong not to be able to complete the circle, as it were, by showing off my babies to my mother, and I have struggled a great deal with grief and loss. I also lost my father 9 weeks after dd was born and now I have just had ds2, I have no parents to share him with. Do definitely talk to Cruse or go and see your gp and ask to see a counsellor. My GP was very supportive when I went to see her 18 months after ds1 was born, she felt that I had probably had post-natal depression due to missing Mum so much and sent me to see an excellent psychologist who specialised in bereavement. Getting over this kind of loss takes a long long time, so take it easy on yourself, talk to people who are good listeners and tell your ds lots of stories about your mother. When I think of Mum now, even tho I still miss her like mad, it doesn't stab in the way it used to, so there has definitely been a lot of healing over the years. Good luck and take care. [hugs]

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/08/2005 00:50

I really feel for you.I lost my mum to Cancer 6 years ago and my younger sister gave birth to what would have been her first grandchild 3 months later.My sister suffered with post natal depression and sought help.

I have since had two children.One who is with me and one who is with mum in heaven.This makes me feel like she has one grandchild to care for.I do feel she is an angel taking care of us all and I am sure your mum is sharing your joy of being a mother in her own way
xx

Hanoge · 30/08/2005 11:16

A slightly different slant on this - I miss my Mum so much too, shes not dead though but shes got brain damage, so effectively shes not the same person. She was my best friend and I could talk to her about anything but it has all changed. Have had 3 miscarriages in the last year and it just finished me off the other week when I rang her because I was feeling low and she said "Never mind youve still got the baby to look forward to!!!!" She would be devastated if she was aware. Its so hard

jessicaandbumpsmummy · 30/08/2005 11:20

Suss.... I know how you feel.

My mum died last summer from Chrons Disease, very sudden, not expected and she was only 47.

Jessica was exactly 2 weeks old when she died, and thankfully mum did get to see her, but I still EVERY DAY wish she was here for me to talk to.

If I can help at all, let me know, but I am lucky in the respect that my dad is ABSOLUTELY fantastic and I couldnt ask for anyone better.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 31/08/2005 00:34

(((((((Hanoge))))))) so sad for you and your poor mum

Jessicaandbumpsmummy my dad is great too.It makes a big differance doesnt it,when our mums have gone

xxx

Springchicken · 31/08/2005 16:46

So sorry Suss and it is not pathetic at all. I don't know what i would do without my mum, i seriously don't!
Not the same really but DP's dad died 4 years ago from cancer and when i had DD both myself and DP found it so hard. He was such a lovely man but he never got to meet his granddaughter, he never got to see her crawl, her first word, take her first steps. Everytime she does something new it seems so unfair he's not here to see it.
We are getting married in July and i haven;t got a clue how we will both get through the day, he should be there with us to see his youngest son get married, he would be so proud of everything we have both done in life I miss him lots.

trace2 · 31/08/2005 16:53

my mum died 2 years ago also with cancer, my ds was just a baby, and it hurts that he wont remember her

mymama · 05/09/2005 01:21

Suss I know exactly how you feel. My mum died two years ago from a stroke on her 60th birthday. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and had arranged for her to come visit for the birth of the baby. For me the grief fades in and out - Mostly I don't really think about it anymore and then other times it hurts so much it is physical. I light a candle each year on my mum's anniversary at the time of her death. As it is also her birthday I don't have to worry about that day coming around each year though. Thinking of you.

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