Concerned about husband telling our toddler she is not a nice girl

[mumto5mo]

Hi,

Looking for some perspective here as not sure if I'm being overly sensitive.

Me and my husband have a 2.5 year old and I have always been really cautious of my actions / words having a negative effect on her as she grows up. I never say anything negative about her when she's in earshot (i.e. she's being tricky at the moment etc.) but my husband doesn't adopt the same approach.

Multiple times a day, when she is just being a normal tricky toddler, he says "You're not a very nice girl". I've tried curbing this so many times, and today I cracked and told him that her father telling her multiple times a day that she is not nice will make her believe she is not nice. He just responded that she isn't nice.

When I've broached the subject before about this having a negative impact on her, he usually pulls out the PPD card where I have cried or been depressed around her, and says that this would have messed her up too.

I don't know what to do. I can't change him as a person, and he is usually a great dad, but I fear his words will have an impact on her and it scares me.

Any advice would be appreciated!

I worked in a nursery and it was all 'that was a bit silly' rather than 'you're silly'. As a parent I'd say things like 'that wasn't very nice' rather than 'you're not very nice'. If you call a kid naughty they'll believe it. If he tells her she isn't nice she'll believe she isn't nice. What exactly does he expect her to do with that?! He needs to teach he what she's doing wrong and help her learn from it not just be mean to her.

What you say to them becomes their inner voice! My 3 year old is constantly told he's clever and amazing and how much we love him. What do you and your husband want her to think about herself? I'd be very over the top about how amazing she is and how kind to try and drown out the negative from your husband as a minimum!

Soon enough she might start calling him out on what he says to her! My son tries to tell us off sometimes for being rude or saying things wrong.

A Dad who says this to his DD and when he’s called out on it doubles down instead of listening is pretty far from a good Dad.

I would try again to talk to him about it, perhaps somewhere neutral and explain that it the behaviour you want to correct not have her believe that she’s fundamentally not nice as a person.

If he can’t change what he says it might be time that he has a lot less time with her by moving out.

And I do totally agree with this ^