what to SAY to comfort toddler when b/feeding newborn?

[vannah]

My newborn is only 2 weeks but Im already in a complete state, forever 'apologising' to ds1 (2 years) for having to give baby sister a 'very quick feed'

He wants to climb into my lap, and I end up having to push him away. I keep telling him that mummy loves you and you can sit with mummy just as soon as mummy has finished feeding...but he is the depths of despair!

On his knees in floods of tears. Theyre not angry tears or attention seeking tears, he looks genuinely devastated.

Ive tried giving him good toys/putting on video for him. He just keeps turning and looking at me and falling apart.

What can I say/do to make it easier on him?

thankyou

Can't he cuddle up on the other side whilst you are feeding? He's not feeling secure enough to wander off and watch a video yet, that time will come, just let him be with you and maybe read to him while you're feeding then you won't feel you're pushing him away or rushing the feed.

Just say, let mummy get comfy with the baby and then you can come for a cuddle - that gives you a minute or two to settle the baby and get comfortable yourself but it's not rejecting him - which is what he's feeling. It's hard but I think you need to include him in the feed time.

oh poor wee lamb.

ds was 2.6 when dd born. as it turned out time when bf dd in those early days was a good wee opportunity for ds to snuggle up beside me on the sofa and i could read to him whilst feeding dd. quite special wee times because in the normal rush of life i find it harder to sit down and read aloud to him during the day.

Agree - cuddle him on one side whilst you feed on the other.

Another commonish strategy is to get him some toys that he really likes that are only for when you are feeding.

Can you not cuddle him or read books etc at the same time as feeding?

It may be that it's not the bf, but the realisation that ds2 is not going away after the excitment of the first 2 weeks.

can't you involve him in it

"Look, your baby needs a feed .. cuddle up here whilst we feed her" and involve him in it

he's upset because you're pushing him away .. you really don't need to

This was something I was really worried about as I had a 16 month age gap but it wasnt actually a problem for me. But someone suggested to me getting to pick a book a while feeding you read it to them. Or you could promise some speacial play time with him as soon as baby is settled. Also like what you are doing reassuring me that you love him. Sorry if not much help but hopefully he will soon adjust and realize you still have time for him

I feel your pain I really do, here are some things that I found helped

Give as many cuddles and kisses as you can when you are not feeding

Try to get DS involved with the feed (obv this won't work if you are having difficulties feeding) for example oh ds look the baby is latched on again, can you see him swallowing he looks hungry doesn't he, he likes milk like you do etc etc. DD really went for this for some reason and then thought it hilarious when the DS came off because she thought the nipple had fallen out of his mouth .

Just trying to be in physical contact with him when you are feeding, maybe put a film on and get him to lie down with his head on your lap, DD loved this one too.

It sounds really upsetting, I remember it well DS is now 18 weeks so DD is used to me feeding him. Hope it improves soon

Soory, reassuring him not me

would cuddle him happily but:

a. he has a horrendous hacking cough and green nose so not wanting him to cough all over baby...

b. he has sat with me once or twice but sneaks in a thump on her head or hitting her face...

c. he is huge - looks like a 4 year old, and literally wants to sit on top of me and baby, its hard under normal circumstances, he's very heavy and cumbersome.

Poor cub...

going to try the 'special chair' suggestion, or just getting him to sit next to me as opposed to on me, and read to him...
just read your replies bit more thoroughly

thankyou

DD2 is 12 weeks and DD1 is 22 months and I have got quite good at feeding DD2 while sitting on the floor next to the table which means I can do drawing with DD1 at the same time. She sits near me with her crayons and I draw beautiful artwork, (or squiggles if I am feeding on teh other side)

The crayons only come out when I am BFing and she can play with them until she gets bored and then I put them away again. Now I just say 'Ooh, DD2 needs some Beeboo (don't ask) and she goes and sits down at the table ready for drawing.
Sometimes she just wants a cuddle though so I sit her on the side next to DD2's feet so I can put an arm round her and we either cuddle and chat or play 'This little piggy' with DD2 which helps with the gentle thing as well.

It gets easier. Promise.

my toddler a bit older (3) but similar when newborn arrived...

what helped:

feeding with a v cushion - bit more distance for him to have to negotiate when a bit, er, clumsy

lots of books to hand

daddy knowing to take him off just at the right moment to play

asking him to help - he is now baby's official 'burper' and nappy holder

promising an extra special play/cuddle just afterwards

not apologising but empathising - "I know! that noisy baby needs a feed again!"

but in the end, as long as he wasn't bashing the top of the baby's head, unfortunately, the little one is going to get drawn into both the germs and the rough and tumble a bit so you have to either rough it out or find a way of taking yourself off to a quiet room if you can sometimes. HTH

thanks again all.. good ideas 4 me to try out