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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What do you do if one parent is pro smacking and the other anti smacking?

20 replies

Punkyfish3000 · 18/02/2020 06:15

In the event of one parent being pro smacking and the other anti smacking, which trumps the other? Or is there any way of finding common ground?

Asking as this is causing no end of vexation between my fiancé and me, and we both come from abusive fathers who frequently smacked (my fiancé says smacking from his mum ‘never did him any harm’ however).

OP posts:

Rainallnight · 18/02/2020 09:16

Do you already have DC? I think the answer for me would be to find out what they thought beforehand and then decide not to have kids with someone who hits children.

SuperSleepyBaby · 18/02/2020 09:48

It did do him harm - he grew up to be someone who thinks its ok to hit children!

Do you have children yet?

Does he think its ok to hit people with mental disabilities or elderly people with dementia if they misbehave?

AladdinMum · 18/02/2020 10:08

Hit a small and defenseless child while they are crying and their eyes full of fear? for what? for being 'naughty'? for 'not listening'? for being a typical child?.... I assume you have no children yet as otherwise you would not be having that conversation. I would suggest that his mum hitting your fiancé has done him a lot of damage.

strawberrylipgloss · 18/02/2020 11:02

How would he feel if a grandparent, teacher or childminder smacked his child for discipline reasons?

Would he really be able to justify his choice if questioned by social services?

Is he worried that not smacking means that he is saying that his mum was" bad "too? In which case is he not going to use a car seat because his mother didn't?

Personally it would be a deal breaker. Morally you can't teach a child not to hit or physically hurt others if they are physically hurt by a parent. One day your child will probably be bigger than him. Would your fiancé accept being hit then?

Jannt86 · 18/02/2020 12:10

I allow for a certain amount of 'artistic differences' with my DH in the way we parent our dd but I would not allow ANYONE to hit her or intentionally frighten her or belittle her in any other way. End of. My DH would be just as repulsed at the idea anyway which is one of the many reasons that I have chosen to parent a child with him

Puppy78 · 18/02/2020 12:38

I'd go on a parenting course with your fiance. A good one will explain the research behind the methods, and why boundaries/ understanding development and kindness are so important.

Jannt86 · 18/02/2020 12:48

PS despite having a fairly secure and very loving childhood I also grew up being smacked and agressively shouted at and was often on edge because I never knew what was going to trigger it. Sure I'm a reasonably successful adult but I'm also anxious and have to work hard to level my emotions which can flip at the switch of a button. I'm in my 30s and have an ok relationship with my parents and they've become very meek and gentle grandparents thank goodness. However even as a grown ass adult I STILL feel on edge when I'm round there and on the lookout for arguments etc and I don't feel like I can tell them when I need help or feel upset/angry about something. Hitting/bullying a child is NOT ok and it DOES have lasting effects

Booboostwo · 18/02/2020 12:53

I would imagine that most couples have different views on some aspects of parenting simply because there are so many different decisions to make and so many different values are expressed in parenting, but this is a major difference and I can't see how you could reconcile the two approaches. I would reconsider having children with someone who thinking hitting is an appropriate punishment. And keep in mind that you can walk away from this guy in the future but he will always have contact with your children.

Original poster

Punkyfish3000 · 18/02/2020 13:07

@Rainallnight we do, yes, he has a son from a previous relationship (but we don’t have our own children together yet)

OP posts:

Rainallnight · 18/02/2020 13:29

Does he hit his DS, OP?

Original poster

Punkyfish3000 · 18/02/2020 13:48

No as he is only 6 months but he said ‘you’re not too young for a smacked arse’ last night

OP posts:

strawberrylipgloss · 18/02/2020 14:12

Fucking hell. Don't have kids with this man.

When you run to protect your child being hit (motherly instinct) will he smack you too?

Booboostwo · 18/02/2020 14:15

You are engaged to a guy who has a 6mo son? Maybe that's your main problem. Don't marry or have children with a guy you know so little about. He sounds absolutely awful. Was he angry at his 6mo?

AladdinMum · 18/02/2020 14:42

.... engaged to a man who has a 6M old with another person? I am confused :S

Jannt86 · 18/02/2020 16:14

Jesus! Sorry but this right here is why so many kids are growing up messed up. Your life is your own but please think of your future child(ren) and ponder the following before you make this guy their dad 1) If this is his attitude then even IF he respects your wishes and agrees not to punish your child do you honestly think he's going to manage to restrain himself when you've already whitnessed him get that irritable at his 6MO? 2) Whatever the circumstances if he's capable of leaving a woman with a young baby and moving presumably straight on to you and getting engaged to you and talking about having another child with you then he's capable of doing it to you some day? And what happens if he keeps moving on and fathers tonnes of young children in a small space of time? Do you think your child(ren) will get anything from him? 3) You're free to do what you want with this man and accept whatever attitude he has but just remember that once you bring a kid into it you're bringing in another helpless human being who is looking to you both to love them and keep them safe and do right by them. If you don't they will figure it out. They deserve for you to be in a positive and stable relationship

Original poster

Punkyfish3000 · 19/02/2020 08:11

@Booboostwo We have full custody of the boy until he is 18, not that it or the circumstances of how he came into the world or our care are really the point of the thread. Or for that matter my relationship choices. The point of the thread was trying to find common ground when one parent is pro smacking and the other anti smacking.
@strawberrylipgloss he would see it as disciplining how they see fit. I on the other hand saw my mum smack my nephew when he came to stay with us and I tore her a new one!
But I will look into

OP posts:

Original poster

Punkyfish3000 · 19/02/2020 08:12

Sorry pressed post too early...

But I will look into parenting courses.

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 19/02/2020 08:17

Of course the circumstances of how a man can arrive to have a 6mo and a fiancee who is not the child's mother are relevant. It speaks to the guy's character. However the child may have come about, any sensible person would have taken the time to find their feet, get to grips with parenting and take things slowly before embarking on another relationship.

Be that as it may, you have not answered whether your fiancee was angry with a 6mo. If he was and he really did mean that he was considering hitting a tiny baby he is abusive. Even pro smacking people would not consider hitting a tiny baby.

By all means get him to parenting courses and best of luck with that, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

AladdinMum · 19/02/2020 12:01

I think in previous generations smacking was considered quite common, i.e. my own parents used to smack me when naughty. However as a progressive nation, knowing what we know today, it astonishes me that smacking would still be considered a 'good way' or 'fair way' to discipline a child. It is well considered that smacking a child is the parent loosing control, and if so, the problem lies with the parent not the child. No one is perfect, I know, but to use it as a default to discipline a child is not correct. A child being smacked will eventually learn that smacking is a useful and effective way to instill fear and control over his peers and hence will eventually apply it accordingly - would you then smack a child to teach them not to smack another child?.... with the potential of future psychological damage being significant for so little to no benefit why even go there when there are so many other effective ways to discipline a child without needing to resort to smacking. Has my parents smacking me when young affected me in later life? I do not know, as I do not know how I would have been today had they not.

Jannt86 · 19/02/2020 14:45

I think it's important to remember as well that it's a totally different world we live in to when our parents and grandparents were growing up. Family values and community values are much harder to come by now and a lot of our communicating is done via faceless devices. Thanks to the internet and increased media access children are exposed to all sorts that a couple of generations ago most children wouldn't even have been able to imagine. Things like self harm and suicide, for example, are romantacised and in the absense of anyone actually wanting to tackle them. It's a grim world out there and as such today's children don't need a 'good slap' as is a common misconception they need to feel protected and listened to. Connection not correction is the way in today's world I believe. OP this seems to be your stance too and I hope you don't think I'm being harsh but I think you just need to consider what the impact will be if your partner can't get on board with this xx

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