4 year old has kicked his teacher - HELP!

[Pickapart]

My 4 year old son started school (Kindy - equivalent to UK reception) 2 weeks ago. The first week was fine, this week the teacher had to talk to us on 2 days at pick-up regarding his behaviour - Not listening, refusing to participate, being rough and pushing/pulling other kids around. Today he has pulled a little girl hurting her arm and to my absolute shame he has kicked and grabbed his teacher. He admits everything and says its because he wants to come home - he isn't even doing full days yet! The teacher has organised a meeting with the head teacher for next week to 'put in place strategies to manage his behaviour'. It's a private school and I'm very worried we will lose his place. We have had a long chat about how his actions have made his victims feel and what good kind behaviour is, as sanctions we have removed his toys from his room, he has lost TV and cancelled a trip to the scooter park, no bedtime stories tonight etc. Please help, anyone who has experienced this - I desperately don't want him to be labelled 'that kid' and end up with no friends or excluded from his school. For background he has no SN and has met all of his milestones, he is a generally sweet little boy but can be quite cheeky at times - We manage his bad behaviour with time out, consequences etc

You say he has no SN but that's what we thought about my own DS until he started school. He seemed fine at nursery where he'd been settled since he was a baby. He could be a bit tantrummy at times but they knew him, he knew them, all seemed well and his nursery report to the school started "YoungKleinzeit is a happy friendly boy.." But within two weeks of starting primary school he'd turned into a raging monster. Not the school's fault at all. Eventually it turned out he had Asperger's and the change into an unfamiliar and much busier setting just did for him.

Anyway. Whether your DS has SN or not, don't punish him so much. Having so many consequences at home reflects your own anxiety and not what is likely to work for a four year old. Four year olds need small immediate consequences. Have just one consequence at home for a bad day at school, losing TV time is fine and it's enough. Taking away bedtime story will make him feel unloved and that will make him anxious and probably worsen his behaviour. I know it's hard but try to keep everything positive at home. Let him know that whatever has gone wrong for him at school - and no child attacks other children or the teacher because they feel happy inside - home is still a safe happy place where he is loved and well regarded.

If he behaves well at home then it really is up to the school to find strategies to manage him. You can support their behaviour management but you can't do it for them. It may be that for whatever reason this school isn't the right setting for him. He may need more time to mature, or some additional support, or he may need a different school altogether.

Thanks kleinziet, lots of great advice. I hope your DS is doing well now. We’ll see what Wednesday’s meeting holds!

You guys are having a hard time. Don't push him away. If this is all because he wants you and misses you at this new scary time in his life, taking away special story time will make it worse. My likes to do 'questions' after story time and sometimes talks nonsense but often wants to talk about things that are worrying her. You need to love and cuddle him and encourage him to open up so you can try to help him feel confident about school.

My DS did have ups and downs especially at primary school but he did make friends and mostly enjoyed school once we'd figured out what worked for him and what didn't. The primary school put help in place for him, by secondary he needed much less. And now he's having a good time socially and academically at university.

Good luck in the Wednesday meeting, I hope thing work well for you and DS

It's great that you're so proactive about managing his behaviour and letting him know that it is unacceptable - it's hard for other people when parents ignore or dismiss this.
That said, I agree with the others that one punishment is fine, and that taking away his bedtime story might be a step too far. Also, you had a talk with him about how his behaviour affects others - which is great - but have you talked to him about how it affects him, or what makes him do it? It's hard for a 4-yr-old to articulate things like this, and they do sometimes say the first thing that comes into their head, which is confusing, but even the fact that you are making an attempt to understand him might help, partly so he knows you love him no matter what and partly because it might enoucrage him to examine his own feelings rather than act so much on impulse.
Best of luck with the meeting. I'm sure he won't lose his school place, especially as you're cooperating with the school. I hope he settles down soon.

Sounds like my DS when he started school. I remember it as a very stressful time - being stopped frequently by the teacher so she could let me know about that day's 'incident'.

We didn't have a clue at the time that DS had autism - it was only when he was placed into a proper school environment that we saw it.

He is 8 now and has only very minor behaviour issues at school - like he might cry a lot once every two weeks and needs to take a break to calm down. He got a lot of help after he was diagnosed.

Its possible your son's school might be suspecting that your son has an undiagnosed SN.

If he is acting up due to an SN then punishment won't necessarily stop the behavior. It could be that he lacks the tools to deal with the situation and can't control his response. My son is learning the tools to keep calm and deal with things appropriately and his behaviour has improved hugely as a result.