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Original poster

Do you have a sensitive child (ENID!!)? Is this behaviour at a party normal?

26 replies

oliveoil · 13/03/2007 20:30

dd1 (4) is very sensitive, always has been, not very good socially etc etc

Went to a party and she just does not play with people, all her friends were there and she just sits and watches. Dd2, 2.6yrs, has just started at the same playgroup so has known people for 5 mins and is right in there, giggling and joining in.

Then they had a party in a sort of disco room, loud music etc and when dd1 went in, she got really really upset. She looked like she was in pain and I had to take her out, not seen her like that before. Dd2 was fine, dancing and holding hands.

I don't know, I just think she is so different and seeing dd2 just throws it all up for me.

Am I waffling unnecessarily and should shut up (dh thinks yes)?

Thank you.

xx

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morningpaper · 13/03/2007 20:32

Aw... My dd1 is "sensitive" although it is white noise that she doesn't like - doesn't mind loud music but if she hears the sound of the bouncy castle blower she goes pale and looks like she's going to be sick! I feel bad for her but I just accept that's the way it IS for her - it's not REAL like that for me but it IS for her, IYKWIM.

Mo2 · 13/03/2007 20:33

My DS2 (4) was/is a bit like this - gets seriously overwhelmed by sudden changes in environment - noise/ people/ movement. I found I have to warn him what places are going to be like before we get there.
Also found reading a book called "Your Highly Sensitive Child" quite useful - it gave me a useful perspective on sensitivity being a normal character trait, rather than a negative (i.e. when people say, "oh, he's very sensitive, isn't he?")

duchesse · 13/03/2007 20:38

She sounds as though she was finding the music too loud, and the stimulation overwhelming. I think many children do. Many are also very reticent and shy in new surroundings and company. My two daughters wouldn't even get out from behind my legs to say hello to people they knew until they were nearly 7.

I know from experience how nice it would be to see one's child happily socialising and settling into new situations easily, but many children are just not like that. Especially at 4, many children still need the comfort and presence of their parent or carer in new situations. There is nothing wrong with that.

In fact, children who are not upset at leaving their mother at that age are probably more in a minority. I viewed my role for them at that age as being an enabler. If they needed me, I stayed until they were ready for me to leave, or even move away from them. They knew I wouldn't go anywhere until they felt ready, so they got bolder gradually. At 9, 12 and 13 now, they are much more outgoing, although not necessarily out and out extroverts!

PS: if it's unusual, does she have earache or a headache at the moment- ie going down with something? Just a thought.

steinermum · 13/03/2007 20:39

What passes for 'normal' at children's parties can be totally overwhelming for some children. Good on you for not giving her a hard time about it. I've seen parents shouting things like 'why can't you just enjoy it like all the other kids', to a really distressed little child.

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/03/2007 20:41

steinermum - that's just horrible

I told her I would be with her all the time and it was fine etc but she really looked scared

I don't want to change her, she is gorgeous and a joy, but sometimes she worries me

OP posts:
CODalmighty · 13/03/2007 20:42

lots of kids odnt like discos
even older boys
dont worry

ledodgy · 13/03/2007 20:44

My dd who is 4 in April is just like this at parties in a strange place. The last one we went to she just watched apart from playing pass the parcel but she wasn't the only one it can be very overwhelming for them. We went to parents evening last night at her pre school and whilst she's doing great her teacher pointed out that she's like two different people there's the Eve who plays with her friends and is talkative etc and then there's the other Eve who is really shy with the teachers and would be mortified if she ever did anything wrong like she's lacking in confidence. At home she's confident as anything but in certain situations she's extremley sensitive but i remember being just like that as a child too so i'm not too worried.

danceswithaSPRINGinherstep · 13/03/2007 20:46

DD has always been quite sensitive (particularly pre 3yrs) She is happy to play on her own and I do worry that she doesn't have any real friends at nursery (she does have friends who she has grown up with). She told me this morning. 'I like Jane but sometimes she doesn't like me, she likes Jill' Is it acceptable to go into nursery and bitch slap children who don't like my child (who is a sweetie)?

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/03/2007 20:51

I am dreading school, the playgroup is next to it and I see them all in the playground and there is always one on there own and I think it will be dd1, sigh

but I was a loner so maybe she gets it from me

OP posts:
mrsbrightside · 13/03/2007 20:56

my dd (also 4) went to a party with a magician present and was seriously terrified of him. He was very loud and ott, got on my nerves too.

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/03/2007 20:58

thanks everyone

dh now wants the computer (tsk) and Life on Mars is starting (!!) so I will come back to this later

xx

OP posts:
ledodgy · 13/03/2007 20:58

Although my dd is extremley sensitive she's also extremley social so doesn't lack friends but when it comes to other adults that she doesn't know or teachers she's extremley shy but really eager to please. Her teacher says when she's putting her shoes on at nursery she always asks if she's putting them on the right feet and if she isn't the teacher has to say 'yes but just the other way round' because if she said 'no they're on the wrong feet' she'd crumble!

Miaou · 13/03/2007 21:00

oo, she sounds so much like my dd1 (and your dd2 like my dd2!) at that age!!

Does she also speak very quietly? Dd1 has very sensitive hearing and it has taken her many years to cope with loud noise. She still (at the age of 9.5) speaks very quietly and we often have to ask her to repeat herself or speak up.

She was also a loner/found it difficult to join in with other children at school. I remember her first few weeks at school (I was a classroom assistant) and watching her at playtime was heartbreaking - she would cling to the school fence and cry if anyone spoke to her

Sorry that's probably not helpful to hear just now - but she has really turned round in the last 18 months or so - she is much more confident about speaking out, and has never been short of friends (unlike my poor overconfident noisy dd2!). Once she got over the scariness of the playground, she really started to enjoy school.

HTH - I do feel for you because it did cause us some worry at the time.

danceswithaSPRINGinherstep · 13/03/2007 21:02

Olive - it's the other way round here, I worry about dd being on her own because I hate it. I have to try and think that if she is happy about it then I should be.
You were a loner and you've turned out fine

CODalmighty · 14/03/2007 13:56

enid?

pearshape · 14/03/2007 14:03

my dd1 is exactly the same, she's 3. At parties she hardly ever joins in and hates loud music, baloons, children running around and shouting etc. she gets quite distressed. Dd2 on the other hand is quite the opposite and even at 18 months she's an extrovert.

I have the 'highly sensitive child' book and it's helped a great deal. I love her for the way she is and would never push her into a situation she finds uncomfortable.

Her confidence has got better since she started play group but she's at 'proper' school in September and I am dreading that

There are lots of sensitive children out there and I know sometimes it feels like yours is the only one and 'different' but they're really not. Try and read the book if you can, it's really great

Original poster
oliveoil · 14/03/2007 19:35

ok, think I will get the Sensitive Child book then, have looked on a website - may be linked to it? - and she ticks all the boxes.

xx

OP posts:
salisshe · 16/03/2007 11:10

I know how you feel! Your child knows these people yet won't join in. It's very frustrating, and frankly concerning. The 'symptoms' you have described could be for various reasons but the ones that stick out for me are the sensitivity and the reluctance to join in. My son has both of these, plus some others, and we only very recently got diagnosed with Aspergers. It explains a lot of his 'strange' behaviour.

If it continues and you're worried go and see your doctor.

CODalmighty · 16/03/2007 11:14

i like enids pa
i startt hreads and bump em#
i bump other peopeles
she nerv repolies ot emails
tsk tsk

3littlefrogs · 16/03/2007 11:17

My eldest was exactly like this. It seems to be more common in first children - my second was the complete opposite and very sociable and confident.

But my eldest outgrew it and by the time he was 7 he was absolutely fine. Don't push her - she is still very young and may not be ready for the hustle and bustle of life. I bet her early months and years were quieter and more organised than those of her younger sibling and thats why the younger one is comfortable in noise and chaos and she is not.

My eldest is a real party animal now - likes nothing better than an all night rave, yet at 4 he would put his hands over his ears and cry if there was any music as it was "too loud".

DimpledThighs · 16/03/2007 11:18

love dances going into nursery and bitch slapping children who have been horrid to her DD!

Enid · 16/03/2007 11:19

OO you should cat me

I had EXACTLY the same experience with dd1 at 4, at a disco party. In fact she freaked out and refused to go in.

dd2 was younger but she would have done exactly the same as your dd

Enid · 16/03/2007 11:21

your dd2 I mean

dd1 is 7 now and so much better

the only thing that works is reminding her that she is free to go whenever she wants. never putting any pressure on her.

actually last year she had a panic attack in the science museum - very crowded and complete sensory overload. We do try and avoid places like that although now she older I can talk to her about what things will be like.

she also hates having her photograph taken. Hates it. As we have a PIL who insists on it we have loads of problems there.

ArcticRoll · 16/03/2007 11:25

Another thumbs up for The Sensitive Child book oliveoil.
My ds(7) ticks a lot of the boxes and reading this book helped enormously.
He finds the noise of the playground too much and described it like 'listening to hundreds of washing machines'.
My dd is confident and outgoing like yours oliveoil and 3littlefrogs so perhaps more common in eldest ones.

CODalmighty · 16/03/2007 11:49

some of us DO email you links ot these threads
sigh