9 year old girl - tantrums and horrible behaviour

[munki]

My 9-year-old girl has developed some very challenging behaviour that I'm at a loss to deal with and I really need some advice. She's currently wailing and screaming - literally just shrieking at the top of her voice - because she hasn't got her own way over something (for valid reasons). She is out of control. I'm trying to get her to go to her room but she won't and I can't physically get her there.

She's good at school, but the mornings are a nightmare - she just won't get out of bed and every morning we're late, no matter what threats/promises we make. She's just so rude and unpleasant to us - particularly me. In the afternoons, she's fine again.

I can't help but think that this must be mine/my husbands fault but I don't know what to do - any advice?

I mean that she didn't get her own way for valid reasons - not that she has valid reasons for wailing and screaming!

And just to be clear, this wasn't a one-off, the tantrums keep happening and she just doesn't seem to be able to control herself when she doesn't get her own way

Is she very tired? How much sleep does she get? How much screen time?

She probably is tired, she doesn't go to sleep until really late sp i know it's an issue. We have a policy of no screens upstairs, in bed by 8 (really difficult any earlier as we all don't get home till after 6 four nights a week and I need to give her a proper dinner as she doesn't get one at after school childcare. However she will just lie awake, often come downstairs later. If anyone has any tips on ways to get them to actually fall asleep I'd love to hear them!

these people were helpful
www.youngminds.org.uk/

recent research shows children benefit from waking up later
www.theguardian.com/science/2015/sep/08/start-school-later-11am-students-sleep

hope things improve

If it's recent, there could be loads of reasons:

It could be a hormone surge - they get them so young these days and it's like PMT but with only 9 years experience of how to handle it.

Or she could be coming down with a winter bug.

Or she could have developed a sensitivity to sugar or food colouring which was exacerbated over the Christmas period when there's so many more sweet stuff about.

A lot of people disagree with this method, because they think it's too soft on the misbehaving child, but I always use positive discipline methods as they are the quickest way to diffuse tantrums.

Make a cosy area in a neutral space - cushions, blanket or duvet and say you can see she's upset and if she'd like to snuggle up in this little den you've made her until she feels better, she can. It's there if she needs it. Then ignore her. That makes her feel loved, but also teaches her that she's in control of her own emotions and that the aim is to calm down, not to be punished or for one of you to be victorious in a pointless battle.

Thanks for your advice, she had her lights turned off at eight tonight and I've had a chat with her about trying to go to sleep a bit earlier, she's got her lights off so I hope she's dropped off by now.

Ds is the same age. He's always been a good sleeper but since he turned 8 he struggled. We pushed his bedtime back to 8.30 and he reads in his room from 7.30. He falls asleep much better now and still gets at least ten hours sleep.

Having spoken to his friends mums he has the earliest bedtime!!

Hi, my daughter is 9 and has changed dramatically over the pass two months, being aggressive, screaming, slamming doors, saying really hurtful things and going quite crazy at times. We have discussed and written up house rules, have a token system for screen time and have tried to be consistent with consequences (10 mins earlier to bed for every rule break, or for worse behaviour a days screen ban. We have talked about expressing anger in a responsible way and given her space to chill out, but we are still getting these sudden uncontrollable tantrums for the smallest thing especially when she’s tired. Please can anyone give me any advice as I’m at a loss to know what I’m doing wrong 😩

Hi

I know this thread was 2 years ago but I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old. Did you get to the bottom of it? How did you handle the tantrums? My daughter hits me now, throws things kicks things etc this is all when she doesn’t get her own way! Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am at my wits end thanks Dawn

Yes it would be good to know how it paned-out. All I can say on here, is that it wouldn't have happened during the 50s

I know this post is old but are there any updates on how your child's behaviour is now?

DD is 8 and this is happening to us too. The rudeness feels almost constant and when we need to place boundaries there is verbal and physical aggression. I'm glad to know we're not alone and would love to hear how it has panned out for your DDs.

Mine too

Is it so loud your neighbours hear?

9.5 year old DD here too. Any updates??!!
I definitely think it's hormonal here.
She canbe so nasty- especially to me. She looks for an argument- I say sky is blue and she's arguing with me about it!