1 year old doesn't want to come home from nursery

[User24689]

Hi all
My DD is almost 14 months. She has been at nursery 3 days a week since she was 7 months. It is a lovely nursery and she has a great relationship with 2 of the staff members there in particular. I feel very fortunate that we have such a great place to leave her and it is good not having to worry when I go to work etc.

However the past couple of weeks she has thrown a huge tantrum when me or her dad pick her up. She gets beside herself and kicks and screams when we carry her out which is hugely embarrassing and once she's home she's fine. I just felt really upset today because other parents arrived and their children the same age toddled over to them with arms outstretched and DD actually ran away from me :( Occasionally I go in to visit her in my lunch break (nursery is attached to place of work) and recently she has completely ignored me and pulled away when I've gone to cuddle her yet has sought out cuddles from staff while I'm sitting there. Has anyone experienced this behavior or have any possible explanations to offer? I know it sounds silly but it's starting to really get me down.

I had exactly the same with mine - she really didn't want to come home at all!
I also worried that she wasn't happy at home somehow, but in my case it stopped quite quickly when she realised she'd be back the next day - it was almost as if she was trying to say "Hey! I'm enjoying myself here - why are you stopping me?" Loads of repetition of 'you'll be back tomorrow! We'll see you tomorrow!" helped a lot - just like drop off techniques in reverse ('mummy will be back in no time and we'll play with the train set before she comes').

Does she have other children that she plays with in particular? DD established some quite strong friendships at about 15 months and refused to leave before her friends did!

I definitely wouldn't have had a backward glance if I'd gone to see her in my lunch break.

She is now 6, and an independent soul who still likes hugging/ hanging off me when I collect her from school..

2yo DD was exactly the same until very recently. She's just started looking pleased to see me about 60% of days, the other 40% she still throws a fit! Like your dd she tries to run away, screams, cries the works. It gets me down sometimes but I figure it just means she loves being at the childminders which is a good thing. She's also been playing with all her friends, whereas at home she knows she'll be hanging around while I cook dinner, so not half as exciting. I think all you can do is be positive and acknowledge that she's sad and give her time to come round. My CM started bribing DD with a cookie to be a 'good girl' when I picked her up and I asked her not to as I want DD to feel she can express her feelings and not hide them on my account.

I also think she finds the shift from one carer to another challenging. Once we met her CM at a museum at the weekend and she clung to me and refused to even acknowledge her. I think little children have a very strong sense of who their carer is in what context, so if you visit nursery during the day that probably really throws her. I would avoid doing that if I were you as she is likely clinging to the carers because she is confused.

Oh thanks so much, that is so reassuring! I think it has concerned me because the other babies there don't seem to do it but it may be that I just haven't seen it, or that they have different personalities. DD is developing quite a strong character and I feel like life is a but of a tantrum minefield in general at the moment.

I would' say she has established friendships yet. She does interact well with a couple of others but I don't think she has any kind of emotional connection to any of them.

I'll make a point of doing the 'we'll be back tomorrow' and see if it helps.

cross-posted terrifiedandgrateful That was a really useful post, thank you very much. I hadn't looked at it that way before. I have been thinking of stopping going in during the day because it feels a bit pointless when I come away feeling sad and she doesn't get anything from it. I started doing that because when she was a little baby it seemed to reassure her that I was nearby and the nursery still encourage it now. I think I will speak to them tomorrow about giving that a rest for a while.

*terrifiedregretful - sorry, read your name in a rush!

Hi OP

Honestly try not to worry too much- I know it's upsetting when they run away & refuse to leave with you!

Mine is now 2.5 and went through this kind of phase a few times over the last year at nursery.

But it was only v short lived- often they would be playing outside with their friends & be v upset that I'd come to take them home!

But once in the car/back home they were completely normal!
Rather embarrassing after having to peel them away from nursery!

My DS was like that - cried whenever I picked him up - I think it's because nursery/playschool is 'fun', there's lots to do, new toys, different children to play with and home can just seem a bit boring.

I know it's easy to say but try not to worry. My friend and I used to take our children together - mine would always go happily in whilst her's sobbed and clung to her - and then the opposite reaction at picking up time .

On the positive side he has never, ever worried about going away, school trips and holidays, sleepovers etc etc - just a very, happy, confident and outgoing child.