New to Mumsnet and at my wits end!

[Bug2012]

Hi!

I'm new to Mumsnet so please bear with me! I would really appreciate some advice
My daughter is 4 years old and attends pre school 3 days a week. She can be quite boisterous and has to be constantly reminded to get her "listening ears" on. This is usually the same at home to be honest!
Just recently her behaviour at pre school has become worse to the point that she has started biting herself when she becomes frustrated and angry and is spending more and more time on the time out step
I've spoken to the teachers who felt that she might be bored so have been doing more advanced work with her but this doesn't seem to have made any difference
My husband and I both work full time and when I sat my daughter down this evening to talk about her behaviour she told me that she misses me and worries about me all the time when I am at work. She also said she gets sad because I don't drop her off or pick her up from school very often
This has made me question whether I should give up work but I have anxieties about this,from a financial point of view but also because she starts school full time in September and I don't know what I would do with myself! Also,would this really help? Has anyone had any experience of being in this position?
Any advice would be great

Thank you

Not had exactly your experience, but I do have a 4yo in nursery who has sometimes acted out due to anxiety, so some thoughts...

It doesn't sound like the preschool approach is very helpful - her behaviour is driven by anxiety so neither punishing her nor stimulating her further will help. Can you discuss with them so they can develop a more supportive approach to her difficulties?
What kind of stuff are you doing to reassure and soothe her when she is with you? DS is still in my bed ATM which obviously isn't for everyone but IMO it's something that gives him the reassurance he obviously can't get during the day when he's at nursery.
Does she always know in advance who will be collecting her (and when, if the time varies?) DS gets really freaked out if my sister collects him unexpectedly.
Does she know what your day is like? I took DS into my office once on a day off and I think he has a much better idea about it now. We talk about our respective days and I think he understands (as much as he wants to) what my day is like, what I do once I've dropped him, what I'm doing when he's eating lunch, how I'm rushing to get back to him afterwards.

for you (and hope I haven't offended by saying anything too obvious - I just know from experience that I usually forget the obvious things myself when I'm stressed about something). Giving up work would be your call... My angst is a bit different, it's that he's in nursery almost 50 hours a week and he's knackered by it, but on balance this is the best I can manage and I just have to find the best ways to compensate when I can. Not as in a material 'spoiling him to make up for it' way, but in being a really consistent and warm presence when I am with him, and empathising when he is tired and finding things hard.

Oh! My other recent discovery and great love is the idea of granting them their wishes in fantasy (from 'how to talk so kids will listen'): instead of launching into my usual self-justifying lecture about all the reasons I can't do what he wants (collect earlier etc), I nod and tell him 'I wish I could get you earlier'. No 'but', no reminding him of the reality. Because it's true, I do wish it. And I think that helps him remember I'm on his side.

Thank you. Yes,I have thought about asking the preschool to change their approach and I've taken the morning off work tomorrow to bring her to school and have a chat. It's usually her grandparents that take her and pick her up and she always knows who will be doing this. I LOVE your bringing her to work idea but unfortunately I work in a prison!!! You have definitely given me some things to think about,I think I've got wrapped up in the idea that quitting work will solve all the problems but maybe I could be doing more to relieve her anxiety xx

Could you reduce your hours on a temporary basis ?

I hope your chat went well. I think helping her tackle the anxiety is the way to go. If you quit work she would just change to being anxious about what your doing at home, plus the behaviour would then escalate once she is at school because the root cause would not have been solved. Also I've know children like this who start to fake sickness once they are aware the parent is home so they can go back to them, it's an anxiety thing but obviously has to then be tackled because the child needs to be at school. Much better to help your daughter develop coping strategies now .