Absolutely at my limit with DD's (9) spoilt behaviour - please help! (Sorry for length)

[MissM]

DD has been getting more defiant and rude since she turned 9, but today she set a precedent and left me in tears and despair.

To cut a long boring story short, I took her and her brother into town to get a few things for school, then popped into H&M to see if they had a t-shirt I'd been promising both of them. While we were there she saw another one she liked, and as it was only £2.99 and I was in a good mood I said I'd get it. We found the t-shirts we had gone in for, but then we saw a pack of two for DS, and I said I'd get those. She started to say that was unfair as she had only had one t-shirt - this has been a real issue lately, where everything is 'unfair'. I tried to explain that she often gets little extra things that her brother doesn't - it doesn't always work that way.

Anyway, to cut a long story short everything ended with her yelling at me and dragging my arm in the shop, crying and screaming, then doing the same in the street when I told her to stop behaving in such a spoilt way, pushing me and telling me I 'loved her brother best'. I was just stunned at her temper tantrum and got closer to smacking her than I ever had in my life (I have never and believe I never will smack her, but today I honestly felt as though she deserved one).

When we got back to the car I told her that she had been appalling, that there are people who don't even have the money for a pair of new shoes let alone brand new t-shirts that weren't even needed (I would have returned the t-shirts at this point, but the parking ticket was about to run out).

When we got home she ran straight to DH in tears, starting to tell him the story. I came in to tell him my side and he told us to stop shouting and walked away. At this point I was furious that he wasn't backing me up and had to go out to calm down - I was shaking and in tears by now.

I am honestly in despair. In despair that my daughter is such an ungrateful brat and acting in such a spoilt way. (Her brother, btw, said not one word when I told her she could have the extra t-shirt). How do I punish her for her behaviour, and how do I counteract the increasing rudeness and back-chat as it will surely only get worse as she gets older?

Sorry this is so long - I could really do with some advice!

You take the T Shirt away. When she calm explain to her again about how her behaviour is not now and will never be acceptable.

When your DC are in bed speak to you DH and tell him that he is just reinforcing your DD bed behaviour and work out a strategy on how to deal with her behaviour and a set of rules between the both of you.

I agree you return the un-needed t-shirt and talk to her about there being no treats and non-essentials for a while.

I give my son a small amount of pocket money per week and anything he wants rather than needs he has to save up and get himself. It's really helping him learn the value of money and saves all the nattering and demands.

Did the husband want to talk to you about it later when all calmed down? Was he siding with DD and comforting her or just listening? I'd have a chat about what you both want in these situations so you are on the same page.

Thanks both. DH wasn't siding with her, he was just reacting to all the shouting. We've spoken and I've told him that I think he should have come to me to find out what was wrong, not gone straight to her. We talked with her together and have taken the t-shirt away for the rest of the week.

Normally I do tell them that they have to buy non-essentials themselves, but I guess it was a moment of weakness/end of holiday-itis/good mood taking over etc. I do need to find ways to tackle her rudeness though - hopefully this will be one step forward.