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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I would hope Santa may consider not visiting DS (9) this year but I'm not sure how to go about it....?

25 replies

bramblina · 20/12/2014 11:05

He's become so cheeky recently, arguing with me and dh, careless, awkward, mean to dd (6) and ds (2), messy, not doing his chores, and I feel I'm never done with talking to him yet it falls on deaf ears. Santa has a Kindle in his sack for him but I really don't feel that it's right for him to receive that as he doesn't really deserve it plus it would completely counteract everything we've tried to teach him in the past month or two and that's just daft.

What should we do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mostlyjustaluker · 20/12/2014 11:07

Do you think he will see the link?

If he still believes in Santa then I would not go down this route as I think he needs to know it is you who has punished him. What consequences do you give for his actions?

Wearegoingtobedlehem · 20/12/2014 11:07

I would be inclined to take it out, and keep it back for re enforcing positive behaviour when it comes?

stressbucket1 · 20/12/2014 12:26

I saw a story recently where a mum wrote a letter to her son from Santa saying he was not on his good list this year and had so many sleeps left to improve his behaviour and get moved to the good list. She left it in his stocking for him to find. Is that worth a try? You could then use lots of praise for good behaviour he shows.

Original poster

bramblina · 20/12/2014 17:51

I think he may see the link, he is wise enough to know Santa is just not possible. But then Santa only rewards good children so that should be a good example to set, surely? Not sure I could have an empty stocking but really don't think after telling him his behaviour is unacceptable, then to receive a Kindle is a good reinforcement....?

Bedlehem, I can't really hold on to it and then just give him it at a random time just to reward, surely?

Consequences are for example no treats till all chores are done ie no tv, he had his ds taken off him on Tues for not switching it off when told, given more chores when he wouldn't do as he was told etc, hoovered hall for me today, I wouldn't let his friend come to play because he's been fighting with his sister (he winds her up).

What should I do? A lady I know once lad Santa leave nothing for a naughty child at the tree but then a bike was found later in the porch with a note telling him he hopes he learned and he must behave better. I don't think ds is all that bad, he's pretty good on the whole he's just getting very cheeky and losing regard for things & responsibility. He's making out he doesn't care.

OP posts:

Original poster

bramblina · 20/12/2014 17:53

Yes stressbucket I could use the PNP to do that but ds hasn't written his letter yet so Santa has nothing to reply to!!!!

OP posts:

nooddsocksforme · 20/12/2014 19:10

sorry -really dont feel you should use christmas to establish better behaviour. He will soon be a teenager and will remember this in a very negative way. you are clearly using other sanctions -i would stick with that

AgnesDiPesto · 20/12/2014 20:38

He sounds like a typical 9 year old boy getting a dose of hormones and attitude. There won't be many more Christmases where it feels magical and exciting. They grow up so fast. I would give him the present and make the most of the day.
I have 10 & 12 year old boys and they are lazy, talk back, argue etc etc. It's exhausting and frustrating, but more recently the 12 year old will say a few hours later or the next day he's sorry or that he shouldn't have lost his temper etc he is becoming more self aware.
I agree he will just feel gutted you used Christmas to punish him and when he goes back to school and is asked about his Christmas that will be what he remembers.
the last 2 years the boys have asked for money to go and buy their own presents for everyone and have loved buying me something, and get excited when I open it. A rare moment when they don't just take me for granted! It's nice to see.
just make Christmas a day when you celebrate the positive, you want them to have those memories when they go off into the world and feel home is a place people care about you, however foul you are or whatever mistakes you make.
Then go back to nagging them on boxing day

softlysoftly · 20/12/2014 20:45

No don't that's horrible he doesn't sound that bar just a typical kid and if you are at him constantly then you are in a really negative cycle then to use the one day you could all have some happy family time as a punishment is a terrible plan. Everything would be negative and where is the opportunity for him to get back out of his bad behaviour you'll have him in a corner he may just stay there.

TeenAndTween · 20/12/2014 21:40

Let him have the kindle at Christmas.

Then use using it as a reward for good behaviour.

Wearegoingtobedlehem · 20/12/2014 21:45

Teenandtween, good plan

DoItTooJulia · 20/12/2014 21:57

Ah, your wee man is just testing the boundaries.

Don't make christmas shitty.

Love bomb him?

ouryve · 20/12/2014 21:59

It all depends how miserable you want Christmas day to be for everyone, really.

Not that it would fix anything.

Snog · 20/12/2014 22:17

Yeah try love bombing and don't ruin his Christmas it's not the answer. Nobody really puts their kid on santas bad list.

Haffdonga · 20/12/2014 22:20

Seriously? You would genuinely not give your ds his christmas present because he's cheeky ?

Please don't do this.

Can't you think of anything positive and loveable about your son? Can't you find anything to praise or encourage? If you can find anything to praise then give him the present for that reason and show him that he is worthy of love.

capsium · 20/12/2014 22:25

I would be heartbroken if this happened to me as a child. Surely he hasn't been that bad.

Tbh I would try giving him less to do. I was given chores from quite young and just resented it. I have to really push myself to offer help as I always felt exploited. My DH wasn't given chores and would offer to help. I don't give my DC regular chores but if I ask they will tidy their room etc and I often get offers of help around the house.

Although I understand getting the balance right can be tricky.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 20/12/2014 22:30

Oh no, don't not give him his present. He doesn't sound like he's been anything other than an averagely badly behaved 9 year old.

If you are really keen, couldn't Santa do something like leave a note saying that he's given him the benefit of the doubt, but he's checking in for a progress report at the end of January, and if that isn't good he'll have to take it back for a bit?

But personally I'd deal with it totally separately from Christmas.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 20/12/2014 22:31

How horrible!

No,don't do it.Give him his Christmas present and understand the meaning of Christmas.

You can use kindle usage time to reinforce good behaviour

Original poster

bramblina · 21/12/2014 00:26

I appreciate all the advice and am grateful for not having been laid in to I think all the hype and his age and the stress are getting to everyone, plus he's the eldest and so I experience the first of everything with him and obvs don't know how to deal with it. As I read through your comments I see the point s and I agree. But when he's so cheeky it's hard to ignore! I need to step back, calm down and rethink with a Thank you

OP posts:

Theas18 · 21/12/2014 00:42

Bramblina it's really hard when they first start testing you isn't it!

Repeat after me don't sweat the small stuff!

Obvious and not easy. I still - with teen no 3 - try to stand back and think if I need to act or ignore a behaviour I really don't like. Cheek / rudeness I try really hard to ignore in the same way you would a whiny toddler. You might decide you need a behaviour modification plan for other things - not doing chores = no tv till they are done.

Mean to siblings- that sounds like it needs " love bombing" out of existence.

Someone on mums net recently said " toddler taming is the only book you need" and I sort of agree. Actions have consequences and these are consistent- even for big kids.

Leviticus · 21/12/2014 00:50

Please don't withhold.

Christmas and every day discipline and two separate things.

Heyho111 · 21/12/2014 08:15

He is being a normal 9 yr old. You however seem to not understand that kids wind siblings up, don't do what they are told instantly and not want to do chores.
You seem to be in a negative spiral with him. Don't destroy Christmas. Read some books or go online and read about the psychological development of children.

ch1134 · 21/12/2014 23:02

So, he's only 9, has 2 little siblings getting all the attention, and a whole list of chores... and now you're planning for Santa to visit them and not him? Poor child! If you must keep punishing him, as that seems to be the way you do things, it might be wise to give him a break at Christmas, if only so he doesn't hold it against you forever.

thatsn0tmyname · 21/12/2014 23:07

Get into the internet and look up 'portable North Pole' to personalise a Christmas message for him. Maybe you can work in some suggestions for positive behaviour?

JavelinArse · 21/12/2014 23:18

My eldest son (10) is very difficult at times too, shitty attitude, moody and mean to his little brother, I think this kind of behaviour/boundary pushing is quite normal.

I wouldn't withhold the present but I would do what a PP has said and use screen time as a reward for good behaviour. When he has done his chores/been kind to siblings etc. then he can use it. It's definitely not unreasonable to not let him watch tv until chores are done, screen time is a privilege!

I know how hard it can be (I made a ranty thread yesterday about my delightful ten year old!), the attitude and apathy are just so draining, not to mention sibling bloody rivalry!!!

steppeupunderthemisletoe · 21/12/2014 23:31

I think it is horrible to remove Christmas and birthday presents and celebrations for behaviour.

deal with each item of behaviour as it arises. Make a set of consequences, so really cheeky = to your room for half and hour (and then apologise or another half hour) Or chores not done by x time = extra chore on list. No screens/treats til chores done. Keep the stress down by one action = one consequence and get away from the sweeping generalisations.

I have a ds who has driven me to distraction over the years, very like yours. But I have realised that the general 'your behaviour is dreadful', gets you into a downward spiral until all your interactions are negative.

Do you love him? well, silly question, but it is easy to forget that for people we love we need to maintain fun, kind actions, good times together.

With my ds I found that if I could close my eyes to something (eg some cheekiness) and then do something fun, even if it was laugh at a stupid joke, then it broke the mood. I was nicer and he was better and the stress was reduced.

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