Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

Friend's dd bullies my ds - both only 18months old. Any advice?...

11 replies

100Vicki · 17/08/2006 19:56

I moved to the area last year and so far have only made a few friends through the toddler group I've been going to. 1 girl was really nice to me from the start and has a dd the same age as my ds (18 months). So over the last few months I've been seeing a lot of her and we get on really well.

The problem is that her dd is so aggressive to my ds. She bites him, pushes him over, hits him, pulls his hair etc etc. My friend does tell her off but this doesn't stop her doing the same thing again five minutes later.

I don't know what to do. My ds gets very upset by this every time we see them, but I've noticed that after visiting them he can be aggressive (biting, hitting etc). I don't want him to learn that this sort of behaviour is acceptable, but how do I stop him from copying her?

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I don't want to stop seeing my friend but I'm really worried what affect her dd's behaviour is having on my ds. Help!!

OP posts:

Jimjams2 · 17/08/2006 19:58

At 18 months she isn't going to necessarily understand/stop immediately. As long as your friend tells her each time, that's all she can do. If she goes for him why not pick up your ds and go and take him to play with something else. Sit down next to him to play so you can stop anything before it starts. She pobably won't do anything with you there anyway..

AllieBongo · 17/08/2006 20:01

100Vicki. I'm afraid i am mummy to an 18mth old bully who does much of the same sometimes. She can be very funny, affectionate etc but always seems to go for the same kids.. my pal's dd and my niece who are both smaller than her. It is very embarassing, and I feel awful as I cannot find a way to make her stop, other than watch her like a hawk and tell her off each time. I'm sure your friend feels the same way..

Blu · 17/08/2006 20:09

Distraction, separation and independent play! TRy to avoid tpys where only one person can play with them (e.g a dolls pushchair) and stick to play doh or meghabloks where sharing is easy. IME most toddlers of this age cannot play inter-actively with another child, so just separate them and encourage them to do their own thing.

Then in a few months when they are old enough to understand teach them to 'take turns' ('share is a very woolly concept - swift taking turns with a toy is much easier to understand. Teach them by making a game of it to begin with - your turn, her turn, your turn, in v quick succession so that they realise that they WILL get it back / have a turn).

I agree with removing your ds as soon as she hits/pushes him. I honestly think children of this age do it for the effect and without realising that it is hurtful. They can't project like that, and any 'play' of being hurt will simply be huge entertainment.

It isn't 'bullying'.

AllieBongo · 17/08/2006 20:40

thanks blu..

Jimjams2 · 17/08/2006 20:43

don't worry alliebongo, ds3 is the same. He goes for his older brothers as well (7 and 4). Had to tell him off for repeatedly hitting the 4 year old tonight.

Jimjams2 · 17/08/2006 20:43

ds3 is 19 months btw

AllieBongo · 17/08/2006 20:44

she is a beast.. face rakes, pinches, bites. ds does get in her face though so sometimes he deserves it

cat64 · 17/08/2006 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

100Vicki · 18/08/2006 10:20

Cat64 - When I used the word bully I didn't mean that she deliberately sets out on a campaign to upset my ds, but what she does to him (hitting and biting) is bullyish behaviour. I know that she's very young - that's the problem, she doesn't understand that her behaviour is wrong.

Thanks for all the advice though, I really appreciate everyone's help.

Alliebongo - I can understand that it must be just as upsetting for you having a dd who does these things. All I can say is that it is probably just a phase. You can't do anymore than tell her off each time she hits or bites.

I'm not going to stop seeing my friend but I think that I do need to talk to her about this.

Thanks!

OP posts:

suzywong · 18/08/2006 10:28

there will be no "lasting effect" on your ds, dont worry

I was in exactly the same situation with ds1 but it got much worse and by the time the kids were both 3yrs I had to stop seeing the woman and the child, sad but I had to do it as the aggression and hitting and biting came out of the blue, no warning squabble or growling.

You have to protect your child and if that means being firm and forthright with the aggressor then that's what you have to do. Good luck

Blu · 18/08/2006 12:14

100Vicki - I guess your children will be firm best freinds in no time, and play brilliantly together. This stage is impossible for group toddler play!
DS had a constant friend - our nanny's child - of the same age, and they did learn to play together. But we made sure that there was no entertainment value in hitting, biting etc, and just removed the perpertrator from the scene of the crime, to the other side of the room, whisy making visible fuss of the 'victim'. Also introduced structured turn taking v early.

DS also had another friend who snatched, hit, barged etc etc. He did survive, remained good friends and at 5 now he wants to marry her. It's all a phase. We got through it by openeing a bottle of winre at each other's houses while the children 'played' aka battled.

Flip