Best friends son showing signs of autism.

[MCDL]

Hi. My best friends son is showing signs of autism. He is three since last month. He is not talking, not playing with toys much, no jigsaws. Has to do same route when walking, climb same wall, touch same fence. He likes to watch the washing machine. Runs around n circles. Generally does not engage or show any interest in engaging. He is very willfull and strong. Don't know how long more my friend can cope bit she will not accept any advice. She has a little help from ds father but they are not together. Feel helpless and worried about them. Any advice. ?

does he go to a nursery at all as they must have picked up on these concerns?
if not, is she intending on sending him soon?

i would let her be, i doubt she would thank you. if this is the case she will find out via a trained person

Yes he has just started n a new nursery just a few hours, 2 days a week. I have figured they will address it with her and give her the advice that she needs.

Yes thank u Lucy. This is exactly what I have done. I have not said anything to her as another friend has. I feel a bit like a hypocrit as I am feeling and thinking the same.

If it turns out he isn't on the spectrum then there is no problem.
If it turns out he is on the spectrum then sadly he will have lost out on some valuable early years support. But if he is already at nursery, then if there is an issue, they will report it and hopefully that will get the ball rolling.

Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do. If she is unwilling to entertain the possibility there may be some areas of concern if raised by a friend, then the child will have to wait until nursery raises concerns. If they feel there is anything to address, they will flag it up.

But you can't do anything yourself really unless you feel the child is in danger. If you were saying the mother isn't coping and is constantly screaming at the child and hitting them etc, then I'd say contact the hv or someone and ask for them to support her. But just not accepting advice from a friend is not something you can do anything about.

If her child is indeed on the spectrum (and I have no way of knowing if he is or not) then it is a real shame that there will be a delay. I know how invaluable the early years support was to my two. But it isn't the end of all things. He's already at nursery. if he is on the spectrum, then help and support will be available to him once nursery have had the opportunity to assess him. If they feel he needs support, they won't be hesitant in saying so.

sadly, ISeeYou some parents refuse any help even if us early years professionals do raise concerns
instaed they take their child out and the chances of that child getting any early intervention is nil
it is very sad but not every parent can accept their child has additional needs

That's really sad for the child.

at what point (if any) does refusal to accept that a child needs help cross over into neglect of that child's needs to the point that intervention takes place without the agreement of the parent?

Thank u so much for ur advice. I understand the importance of early intervention and all the help she can get financial and otherwise so all I can do is wait untill she reaches out.

but if OP is her friend and/or is not trained, it is only going to get her back up.

I feel she is letting her son down by not addressing this. Our friend that has spoken to her has a 12 year old autistic boy. He is going very well.

we can't do anything without parental consent, such as talk to other agencies or refer for further tests
we can only hope that another professional gets involved somewhere down the line
without a diagnosis it is difficult to say if a child's needs are not being met

For many people the idea that their child may have issues is one of the hardest things they will have to face. It's scary and it's heartbreaking - your child may not live the life you have dreamt for them.
Denial is common.
Most parents get there with support and understanding but until you see it, you just can't.

Great advice. Thank u so much.

I have 2 ds with autism.

With my older ds it was his playgroup that suggested there was a problem... I thought they were talking rubbish... He's never attended mainstream school. He's in a special school & is one of the more challenging children even in his school! I couldn't see what everyone else could.

I also had no experience of autism/ASD/aspergers.

The nursery will realise there's a problem as he sounds quite severe.

Be there for your friend. She's going to need friends, support, compassion & understanding like she's never needed it before.

She's lucky to have you as a friend. X

She is saying he is on nursery but I am not to be sure as she has moved away from her home town to be closer to her sons father. He was n nursery when she lived close by. I feel something was said to her so she moved him away from her friends and family. She is 2 hours away. I have visited twice n recent months and he is not showing any signs of improvement. The visits are difficult.

I think you should leave it to the professionals. I have a child with ASD and I was in denial when my son was around 2/3 and the rec flags were coming thick and fast.
Just be there for your friend with a sympathetic ear.

it's a difficult one to be honest. My ds is on the spectrum and I suspect one of his classmates is too but I haven't been able to say anything to his mother. Another mum said something last year and they had a major fallout. This boy's mum has several times mentioned to me that the teachers want to refer him to paed and EP since reception (y2 now) but she and her dh don't want to go ahead with the referral. I can only nod and smile and say that in our case, all the assessments had been positive and they are very useful to help dc reach their potential.

In the meantime several other parents have already asked the HT not to put their dc with this boy in y3 due to his behaviour. Sad, very sad indeed.
So ,even when professionals spot problems, the parents can still choose to do nothing about it.

Thank u for all the wonderful advice. I will take a back seat from it and be there to support her when the time arises.