Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

Sauce - bugger, I hate that feeling. Go on, find a positive moment and post it. What went wrong?

Tallskinnylatte your DD still thinks you're amazing. Have you been onto orange rhino yet? It's very hard sometimes.

We've actually had a good couple of days, mostly because my close friend was staying with her children, so lots of stimulation as the DCs love them and she is much better with small children than me .

It's reminded me how well DS responds to role play though - no problems at all packing the toys away when we're a pirate crew collecting treasure.

So that's 2 days no shouting so far.

Tomorrow:
No shouting
Get DS to use words to explain pushing/hitting (this is having a positive effect. Today,there was one moment when DD scratched out at DS and instead of his usual physical response, he stopped himself midway and kissed her hand. I nearly cried.)

Use role play instead of instructions where I can.
Go to bed early so that I am not so knackered I'm counting down the hours to bedtime

Ah Sauce, sorry to hear that, that was me yesterday too. Do come back and talk about it if you want. I find sometimes it helps to look back and see what we I could have done better, and next time I have it ready in my mind. like a rehearsal. Be kind to yourself.

Much better day today.
Didn't shout at the dts at all, despite toddlerdom challenges galore!

I did fail with dd1 and dd2, who were shouting at each other and I couldn't even get a word in, so had to literally scream to make them stop, and make them talk instead. Desperate measures.

Minnie I know exactly what you mean, kids just mirror our behaviours don't they? It's seeing dd1&dd2 bickering that spurs me into doing something different with dts (and the older ones too, but it'll be harder to break their habit, at least I can try and avoid it altogether with dts. does that make any sense?)

Well done Monkey! How old is your ds? Just wondering if I can steal any tips re hitting/pushing. dts does a lot of it, so I'm trying to find ways to stop that.

Have a nice evening all

I did shout. It was all going so well then I was broken by the park. I walked back with two of my three crying. One had fallen over and one was upset at getting told off. I over reacted but I'm not great at long days at home and we've had a run of illnesses and so my lack of patience has had a long slow build up.

I've been on the orange rhino website which makes sense.

I just don't want my kids growing up feeling crap or me not enjoying them while they're young.

How old are your kids Sauce?

Do not feel bad. We all have our bad days, but you obviously care for your children or you wouldn't be here. And they know it.

Good luck for today!

Thank you - we've friends coming. Bork on sleep and early start so hopefully easy morning.

The are 9, 3 &14 months. I think I'll put the eldest in a holiday camp next time - weather and age gap has meant lots of clashes over activities.

Thank you. If I feel the stress and irritation building I'll hide with this thread!

Bork on sleep ?

Broken sleep!!

CTC do you have 4 children? Well done on the no shouting day!

DS is 4.5. Getting him to reason out the hitting is really helping, but I'm not sure whether it would have worked so well a year ago. As DS picked up the hitting habit when DD was born and DD is now following in his footsteps, I'm the crappest person to go to for tips ever We have been consistent and he does know it's wrong - the good thing is that he's never hit when we're out with other kids.

Today has been good in the sense that I only shouted once and it was an Orange Rhino 'oopsie' shout - DD really hurt me during a tantrum and I actually don't regret it, at a time like that she needs to know it really hurt! Having been pushed around by her brother for so long, she's now really testing the boundaries herself.

It's been bad in the sense that my patience has been pushed and pushed and I know that it's been clear sometimes, even though I haven't shouted out. The disadvantage to the role play is that DS loves it so much, he wants to live in his alternate reality ALL the time. He must have yelled 'mummy MUMMY MUMMY YOU BE.... no MUMMY YOUUUU BEEE.... and I'll BEEEEE.....' roughly 100350647 times today.

I actually think he's a bit bored at home. He's grown up a lot since he started school and we've been doing more thinking activities this week - stuff like practising his maths or putting together a Lego kit for older children, and he's very different during these times. But he doesn't really get involved in stuff like this without me yet, and I need to find projects I can involve them both in which suits their levels and keeps them occupied.

Sauce - that's a tricky set of ages. Does your 9 year old help with the little ones much?

The other tone I need to avoid is sarcasm. Used that three times today. Didn't shout but honestly that's just shit on a three yr old. It's that American type sarcasm too the one that almost sounds like a joke til you realise it's not.

Need to change my tv habits too......

Iv just posted about my shitty day and saw this :) i could do with some how to be a less crap mum tips at the minute.

Today has been good. Really good.

The aha parenting site has some really effective advice and a couple of times today it's been like flicking an 'off' switch on DS's madness.

I recommend it, ditsy ( I love that about mn - when you feel a bit crap but someone's already posted your day :) )

monkey mine are almost exactly the same age as yours and I also hate being shouty and ineffective.

Also a veteran of several parenting books which I take bits from then seem to forget.

Will check out the websites mentioned, thanks guys. :)

Haven't been on here a lot since posting my desperate cry for help for this exact same reasons. I wish I had - so much good advice, support and resources on this thread!
I am going to look at the orange rhino thing because I think I really need to go cold turkey on the shouting. I have been trying really hard the last few days and we have had a much better run but my youngest now just screams as soon as anyone breathes on him and it is so hard not to raise your voice when two of them are bleating at each other with ever increasing decibels.
We have just moved to New York and are getting used to apartment living - about to move to a new place which has all sorts of rules about noise, and with the super for the building living right below us. I am sh*tting it worrying about the complaints we are going to get if things continue the way they have been for the last few weeks...
So I will be reading all of the resources mentioned and following this thread for support, if you'll have me. Thanks in advance...

Hi Nellie, welcome x

Hi, jaggythistle - shouty and ineffective just about covers it for me today.

well, after my glowing couple of days, today was shit. Absolutely fucking shit got to let it out somewhere

We got off onto a bad foot because I was in a deeep sleep when I was woken this morning, and DS was in a rubbish mood, and managed to push every button I have before it was even time to go down to breakfast. The bouncy, role playing, shinier version of myself was definitely not conscious yet and it all went downhill from there. This was made worse by the fact we were visiting PILs which meant a) we had to be organised and actually get out of the house whilst in our bad moods and b) I was tense because they barely interact with the kids (so see them at their worst as they are booored) and are so damn judgy.

I shouted. A lot. And I cried. (Not at PILs, which is the only thing which could have made today worse). It's actually been the worst day since the first few months after DD and definitely sets me back to 0.

I can't explain how different DS is when DD is around, it breaks my heart, I feel like I've broken my beautiful boy by having DD. And DD is copying the shit behaviour :(

Monkey - I am so sorry you have had a crappy day. I can't tell you how many times I have thought the same thing about my two boys. All I want is for them to get on and be friends but it feels like I am constantly pulling them apart. If I take the eldest out by myself he is an angel. As soon as we are back in the vicinity of his brother he just starts to act out. And the little one is displaying very obnoxious behaviour that comes from what he hears all around him all the time. It is heart breaking. But it is also true that we notice the bad so much more than the good. The times they do play nicely together almost fade when compared to the screaming matches and fighting. I am trying really hard to focus on the good and enjoy those little snippets so much more than I abhor the fighting. They are both currently playing in their beds with torches that project little figures on the walls. It is nearly 9pm and they are showing no sign of sleeping. If I go and take the torches away they will scream and cry but will probably go to sleep. But they are not fighting, just having a good time. So I'm going to ignore the clock and listen to them play for a bit longer (or until they start throwing things at each other!).
Put today away and start afresh tomorrow. This thread lead me to Orange Rhino, which I am now committed to doing. She is such an inspiration and hits the nail on the head with every post, bringing me back from feeling like i'm a failure and the worst mum in the world, to feeling like I am normal and have just had a bad day. It will get better - you are doing so much already to make it better.
Hugs

Thanks, Nellie. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes, it really helps to know that others are going through the same thing.

I'm slowly reading through the OR blog too.

My biggest 'trigger' is when DS tries to hurt DD. It's so hard.

I have just posted a VERY negative post about dd1

Maybe if I'd seen this post earlier .....

Oh well. Thanks for the thought op. Taking dd1 swimming lesson now but will read the whole thread when I get back.

Hi teajunky, sorry to hear you're having a tough time too. I'll have a look at your thread when the little ones are in bed. I hope swimming was stress free!

So, onwards and upwards. This morning, I did not shout at DS but set him a superhero mission to find his uniform and get dressed. I empathised with his love of cake before choosing a more breakfasty breakfast.

School today, no problems when it's just DD.

This evening, I put DDs straps back on the high chair and wrote a secret note which DS could read, challenging him to sit on his bottom all dinner time for a big bowl of ice cream.

Then we watched part of a film and had popcorn before the bath. DH is bathing tonight.

Yep, I've been revising. It was a good day.

Good job, Monkey! It is just lunchtime here and I have so far had both boys in time out at least twice each and had the woman from the energy company probably about to call social services because of the shrieking coming from DS2, while I was on the phone trying to get our electrics connected.
On the plus side, I don't feel like I have lost it with them and I don't think I have shouted but it's hard to know when the average volume is way above the normal levels. I have managed to get both boys showered, including DS1 with his insane fear of what splashing on his face. And have done the washing. Feeling accomplished and deserving of a cup of tea.

It certainly pays to focus on the positive but if we can make that effort the bad behaviour will reduce by itself.

Sometimes it's hard to make that positive comment when the kids do exactly as you ask, sometimes we ignore the good and just focus on the bad.
So when your kids put on their shoes without being asked twice- tell them they have made getting out of the house so much easier/you noticed how well they listened/how grown up they are now.
Or if they brush their teeth after you asking only once, give them a smile, and tell them because they saved time you will be able to spend an extra 5 minutes reading a bedtime story.

I can't tell you how these simple positive parenting techniques have made family life so much easier for us.

Hey Nellie that was a good morning! How's it all been since? And have you got electrics now? How long have you been in New York?

atthestroke it really does make a difference doesn't it. It's so easy to forget this when you have a good spell.

So today my total is back to 2 - no shouting and I was even calm and patient when we had to get back from school quickly to pick up DD and DS lay down on the pavement and refused to move. To be honest, I could see he was just knackered, I think he might have had a little kip if I'd let him!

He's been really making an effort to be kind to DD over the last couple of days, which is amazing.

Hello. I came on to Mumsnet tonight after many years away specifically to find a thread like this. Even reading what you have all said over the last few days has really helped me. I love the idea of focusing on the positive. I´m going to give it a go. Thanks ladies

Hi Monkey - Well done on your calm and collected day! Today was moving in day for us! (we've been in temp housing till now). The boys have been pretty good. I have mostly had to admonish my husband for being unrealistic with them (like telling a 2 year old not to run around in a new home!). I haven't started the OR counter yet as I have been monitoring my triggers but I think I am ready to start tomorrow! DS1 was pushing it tonight asking for every single thing he could think of at bed time rather than go to sleep. I wasn't as cool as I'd have liked but I didn't yell (mainly because DS2 was so shattered he fell asleep in the middle of the debate). DS1 is actually still awake now but quiet at least..
We've been here just over a month and moved for my job (hubby is a SAHD). It has been quite am upheaval but very exciting - my favourite city in the world. Trying hard not to be consumed by guilt thoigh at taking the boys out of their routine and environment, not to mention school and playgroups and away from their friends. Especcially when their behaviour and my stress levels lead us to unhappy places. I'm determined to make this work though. Just need to get the DH on board too though...

If today was day 1 then I might as well have never started. Today I am really struggling to even like DS1. I lost it and yanked him by the arm, which is worse than shouting at him, because he was completely ignoring me. Everytime he goes near his brother it is to yell in his face or push or hit him. DS2 doesn't want to do anything other than follow his brother around and get pushed, hit, shoved and then scream every time he gets touched. I am losing the will to live today. If I hear that shriek again I might just walk out :(((

Oh Nellie :( I did the arm yank on Sunday and didn't even want to write it, it made me feel sad down to my toes and just sick with myself.

What you're describing is basically identical to my Absolutely Fucking Shit Sunday. It's so hard sometimes.

Don't give up I need you

Sending you and and congratulations on the house move, what an adventure x
.

Thank you so much for being there. Bloody hell. I keep writing things like "I don't know where they get it from" but I know exactly where they get it from. It's hard not to feel like I take two steps forward and six back. It doesn't help that work are "understanding of my need to have time off to move in but nothing can be dropped this week". I've been on 4 conf calls during the 3 days I've had to unpack my entire life into our new house and I'm back to work tomorrow screams into pillow
The boys are quiet, my husband has worked magic (or sent them outside!). I'm going to go and give them a hug... X