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Original poster

Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

997 replies

AnotherMonkey · 18/02/2014 21:30

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

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MrsKent · 18/02/2014 21:37

Visualize the mum you want to be and be that person.
Say to yourself I am calm and in control.
If you are not calm make sure they are safe and go to another room until you calm down.
They do not push you beyond your limits, they are in the process of learning what's allowed and what is not.
You are at times unable to remain calm but that can change.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 18/02/2014 21:38

Place marking and will come back to read-getting a cuppa first Grin

Original poster
AnotherMonkey · 18/02/2014 21:44

MrsKent that will be my mantra tomorrow.

SillyBilly , hello Grin

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Original poster
AnotherMonkey · 18/02/2014 21:46

Also, I'm going to focus on the positive.

This evening, despite the madness, they were in the crook of each arm at 6.45, cuddled up, drinking milk and watching The Gruffalo. Calm bedtime, stories then sleep.

And I love them both more than I've ever known possible.

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ClairesTravellingCircus · 18/02/2014 21:50

me me me

currently battling with 2 two year olds, and it's testing all my limits!

definitely no more shouting (or so she hopes)

I found this website tonight which looks pretty good but haven't had much time to read it, but want to have a proper look and write down tips.

(Have had a particularly bad with shouting, feeling like a horrid mother just now Sad )

Original poster
AnotherMonkey · 18/02/2014 22:06

I found this website tonight which looks pretty good but haven't had much time to read it

^^I have so many half read parenting books on my kindle Blush

Will check out that website now, thanks for the link.

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rhetorician · 18/02/2014 22:13

I often think that the final two thirds of Any parenting book could say absolutely bloody anything. Does anyone read beyond the uplifting this will transform your life promises at the start (also veteran of several half read books...)

Original poster
AnotherMonkey · 18/02/2014 22:22

Yes! And they all seem to have 3, maybe 4 key strategies or concepts, which are set out in the intro (and you think that's interesting, I'll try that) but which are then needlessly elaborated on for 40 pages (yawn).

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong Hmm

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Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/02/2014 22:27

I like aha parenting .com. I too hear myself say something and feel dual. One part ranter the other frantically hoisting judgy pants and saying 'you can't say that!' This morning I failed.

I'm going to time out myself. I'm 90% ok but 10% not. And I really dislike my 10%.... :(

SauceForTheGander · 18/02/2014 22:32

I'll join.

A trick I used years ago was to pretend I was being watched by Tanya Byron - in a house of tiny tearaways style gig! I would fake it to make it ! That was when I just had one though - now I've got 3 and I'm shattered.

Maybe this thread will help. I'm trying to stay of mumsnet / my phone during the day so I'm more engaged.

GoodtoBetter · 18/02/2014 22:38

Have you seen the Orange Rhino blog about deciding to stop shouting? I've found it really helpful. xx

Original poster
AnotherMonkey · 18/02/2014 22:41

Hi Minnie and Sauce Grin

That aha parenting site does look really good - it ties in with the parent I want to be. I'll be thinking about how I can use some of that tomorrow, too.

(PS Minnie - 90/10?! You're my hero...)

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Original poster
AnotherMonkey · 18/02/2014 22:43

Goodtobetter - no. Must go to sleep now or I'll be crabby before I even start, but will look that up tomorrow - thanks x

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WillSingForCake · 19/02/2014 07:52

I have a similar trick to sauce, and when my temper starts to rise I pretend I'm being filmed for Supernanny & millions of people are watching me on TV & judging my parenting!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 19/02/2014 09:48

Hah! Nah probs not. But I find if I put myself down I believe it. Does that make sense? There's enough ways to criticise me. I guess. I don't like adding to my load. So, if I say the bad is just 10% then it's not so bad and means I don't spiral into self hate (the biscuit tin...) and what's the point thoughts.

Generally I guess I'm ok. But I'm an exploder. A sudden frustration shouter. Usually because I focus on the goal (we are going to be late for nursery) not the steps to get to it (dd is a slow dresser so if times short I get cranky. And that's not the 3yr olds fault. It's that kind of thing I lose it at.

mummyxtwo · 19/02/2014 10:09

I can recommend the Orange Rhino website too! You can sign up to the 30 day no shouting challenge and get daily email updates which are helpful and encouraging as well. I have failed spectacularly over the past 2 days as we are all full of cold and chesty and I am feeling rubbish and not at all able to cope with two small children. On top of that dd2 (16mo) is a climber and keeps getting onto the dining table, toppling chairs, nearly falling backwards off the sofa, and generally not safe to be out of my sight for more than a few seconds. Poor ds1 has borne the brunt of my short temper and frayed patience, and I really want to be calmer and kinder for his sake particularly. I did cuddle him in the bed last night when he had a bit of earache, and managed a calm and pleasant school run this morning Smile. My aim for today will be not yelling, and not getting visibly frustrated with ds1 when he isn't doing anything naughty or overly annoying. I am still full of cold and streaming, so I am not going to achieve mum of the year today, but I hope to get them both to bed tonight feeling that I've done alright today as a mum and they both feel loved and like they have both had some play and attention from me. Good luck to you today!

SauceForTheGander · 19/02/2014 10:47

That's me Minnie - it will all suddenly get on top of me and I feel overwhelmed. It's the drip drip drip and then I can shout at something quite minor but I'm suddenly broken. I need to recognise it's coming hours earlier

Original poster
AnotherMonkey · 19/02/2014 12:24

Yes me too, the drip drip thing - that's exactly it.

I'm doing well today - admirably actually, given that I can't leave the two of them out of sight for more than 5 seconds and that DS had 40 minutes of being completely insane before I managed to calm him down. But it was because I had to get a few things done as we have guests coming today. I was so close to shouting it came out as a kind of strangled mmmmphaargh but technically, I did not shout :)

Asking DS to use words to explain his hitting/pushing, instead of just getting cross, is proving to be very interesting too (from the aha site).

I'll sign up to that orange rhino thing when I get chance.

It's so tough when you're under the weather - I hope you feel better soon, mummyxtwo. I hate colds.

Good luck with the afternoon/evening run, everyone Grin x

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ClairesTravellingCircus · 19/02/2014 12:30

Well I have been doing ok until dts decided to hit his sister, repeatedly!

I managedto say calmly "do not hit your sister" twice, but then he was hitting harder each time. And laughing. I ended up yelling.
What do others do in this type of situation?

Well done monkey by the way!

MrsKent · 19/02/2014 13:13

Claires
Tell him no, remove him from the situation, very seriously tell him no again and ignore him. Go play with sister. When he comes back if he behaves praise. If he misbehaves repeat.
And remind yourself if you shout he'll do it again because his behaviour causes a reaction that reinforces it.
I always think the key is to remind ourselves we all want the outcome to be good behaviour and shouting does not teach that. It teaches when you can't control your feelings you explode, so they will do the same. If we remind ourselves it is useless we will not do it.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 19/02/2014 13:50

Thanks Mrs Kent that makes sense. Just need to keep doing what I'm doing bar the shouting!
I do its useless abd I've seen that in the end it just teaches them to copy the behavior (sigh), I have two older dcs that remind me constantly of my parenting mistakes (through their brhaviour). I really want to be better this time.

Just difficult to keep it in mind all the time. And being sleep deprived for the past two years doesn't help!

Thus is why this thread is great, it's good to have reminders of what I already know but keep forgetting in the heat if the moment! Blush

Thanks!

ClairesTravellingCircus · 19/02/2014 13:56

That should read I do KNOW it's useless!

tallskinnylatte · 19/02/2014 16:10

am going to try the Orange Rhino also- have just posted about my own DD issues. I shout sometimes too and wish I didn't- can't help feeling that my DD was perfect before she got me as a parent. Would prob be better off with DH who v rarely loses rag.

SauceForTheGander · 20/02/2014 19:38

Long day and failed in many many ways. Arses.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 20/02/2014 21:09

I'll look at rino not heard of it. Thanks!

Aw hope u feel better hun x

I do think its odd not to show temper too though. Squashing feelings just make them pop out in weird places like a jam sandwich. Or you end up soulless too like those American professionals in tv shows that are always weirdly on keel....

I have noticed dd1 lose it at a toy or sister and I'm mortified to say it's me. That's my kicker. She just shouldn't look like that. :(

X