Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

Hi moodycat, what a great start!

Nellie, that is AWESOME. You sound so tired, I wish I could give you a hug and a glass of wine and dig out your box sets and tell you how amazing I think that was. How are you, apart from completely shattered, what's your new job like? Are you getting any time to discover the city?

Just to add that obviously the fact that your boy is feeling so sad is not awesome, but that those feelings were already there. What you accomplished last night was awesome and gives you so much scope to move forwards. I think you probably knew what I meant but, y'know. Jumbled rushed typing at work, sorry!

Monkey - thank you. Last night was a triumph. This morning not so much. Both boys awake early as usual and DS1 making a complete racket. Then when I went in to say morning to them they had board games and jigsaws out and bloody everywhere! I struggled to keep my cool and did shout. And swear.
Then DS1 also decided to completely ignore me when I was calling him. I must've called him about 15 times! I was cross and a bit shouty but then got hold of myself and explained why it was not nice to ignore me and that it made me feel sad. He cuddled me and baby-voiced sorry.
It certainly is an effort to try and be nice - why is this? Surely it should be natural to be nice to ones children?!
Nellie - well done for writing off your evening to bond with him. Looks like it was completely the right thing to do and inspiring that sometimes all they need is love and time.

Well done Nellie, 3 days are amazing! (at least for me) Your ds is bound to feel all unsettled, poor lamb, I hope he settles into his new life soon.

Moody I am finding the aha website really useful, I am reading bits every day to remind me of better ways to manage the kids. I agree, it is an effort trying to be calm and patience, I find it particularly challenging too, it's because they don't behave according to our logic do they? I really irritates me when I ask dts to pick up the duplo that he's spread all over the floor for the millionth time that day and he just ignores me or starts throwing them around. I just don't get it, so I lose my temper

yesterday was another write off, but today is friday, dh's backtonight (but really late), it's sunny (at least where I live) and I'm in a better mood. let's hope I manage to keep it when the dts wake from their nap and they don't have some totally ridiculuos tantrum

let's hope today is day 1

I found this interesting play urges

It's all about the trajectory with DD

Moodykat it is difficult isn't it - our own needs are generally so out of whack with theirs. Mess really bothers me which is... tricky.

Claires, fingers crossed for you!!

Yes I like order and tidiness.... does lead to stress with 2 young kids and a lazy, untidy DH. I feel I spend my life picking up after people and cajoling people to do things. It is exhausting.

Today I had work, DS had an after school party which I went to with DD as well. They had fun. We came home, baths and bed - not much time for too many melt downs!

Must spend some more time looking at that website. Thing is I feel I know what I should be doing - I do it some of the time but then something goes wrong and I don't always deal with it well.

Lets hope for a sunny weekend, though I must fit in quite a lot of work at sometime too (bang go the evenings I think)

jigglebum with you on the order and tidiness front. I also do all the tidying and putting away. Then DH had the cheek tosay could I clean the house as DMIL due next week. Better parent not shouting. Fishwife harpy screaming instead!

Being very wary about counting my chickens too early... but I have to say out loud: DAY 4 and an amazing bedtime!
I got home late and they were in the bath and sounding like it was about to kick off. We had some issues at teeth brushing time and DS1 went off to play in the living room which we left him to do. DS2 got his stories and DS1 came over to listen. Then he had DH choose a dino book and they went to another room to read while I read to DS2. He was tired so we had snuggles and then he went to bed no issues. I left DS1 & DH to finish reading and put away the washing quite honestly thinking I needed to clear our room for another evening of trying to rationalize with him. He ran to his room and got into bed.I said good night, DH came in to tuck him in, left the room and he WENT TO SLEEP! We sat in stunned silence in the living room waiting but they're both down for the count. Unbelievable! Reading that back it just sounds like an old times bed time and it makes me so happy :)

Two things I have figured out:

• We try to keep him from kicking off by telling him about things we are going to do ("we could go to the cinema, would you like that? You have to be a good boy though..") but often he'll say "yes! Can we go now??" To which the answer is normally no. Then he gets angry or frustrated. They really only live in the now so telling them all this stuff only serves to over excite and then disappoint them. Probably very obvious but I honestly just worked that it based on what he told me the other day...
• He is desperate for one on one time with us. Both of us. Of course he is. He has been sharing the limelight with DS2 for 2 years and now that is with him non stop day in day out and even sharing his room with him, he needs a break. And he wants us to focus on him. Again, so obvious it could have slapped me in the face.

Time for takeaway and wine now!! Happy thoughts for the weekends for you all. I would not have got to this point without you do thank you so much

Clearly also obvious I have already started on the wine as my typing is horrendous... apologies!

Amazing Nellie, well deserved wine and takeaway!

I made it to day 1. I did raise my voice a couple of times, when dts ran off in Decathlon and when he pulled his sister's hair in the pushchair, but I survived a trip ata shopping centre with 3 of my four without another adult, so that is a HUGE achievement!!

Hope you all have a very deserved nice weekend.

And thank you for sharing this journey

That is such great news Nellie

I'm now on 2 and have my fingers crossed for the weekend! I have good news too: yesterday and this morning (I've been up for 4 hours ) have been successful in that I haven't shouted, but it's been more than that... I've enjoyed them. Even during low blood sugar crazy meltdown from DS this morning, it was ok. We found our way through it.

I still wouldn't put money on keeping my score this weekend but that is a HUGE step forward. And I'm no longer worried that we have a more serious problem with DS which feels like a weight has been lifted.

Good luck today everyone x

Bugger bugger bugger 0 again.

Fight between DD and DS over a basket, DD was crying and DS punched her on the back when I told him to move away.

Grrrrrrr. Could have dealt with it better but definitely could've been worse too. Time to go out!

Marking place, will be back later. Am stuck in the house of puke today :( On the plus side at least DS is feeling so crappy that he's not getting into any trouble

I love Aha Parenting, but have to say the one thing I am not so keen is the assertation that having a good relationship/connection with your child will remove all bad behaviour ever. I find it a bit guilt mongering and a bit "if your child behaves badly it's all your fault!" although it is true that children seem to behave better when you're having a good week/day/whatever with them in general. Sometimes it's not about you.

Favourite books:

When Your Kids Push Your Buttons (not a "how to" parenting book but helps you identify problem areas and see what triggers you, also helpful for controlling reactions. It's the book you need if you know how you want to deal with things but in the moment you never actually manage to do it)

The Happiness Project - again not a parenting book, although it has a chapter on parenting - really interesting, enlightening, fab book about how being happier helps others to be happy and co-operative and others being happy helps you to be happy and blah, really enjoyed this, great feel good, goal oriented kind of book.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen - really helpful for non punitive or shouty approaches.

Claires and Monkey well done for your successes. And I'm sorry the day turned a bit crappy Monkey. But this will happen. To have got to a place where you feel there isn't a bigger issue with your DS is huge. I have to admit this is now my big test because my 4 days were work days and now it's the weekend where I am well and truly on task. I think the key to these numbers is to always look forward to tomorrow being higher than today, otherwise it can feel totally unachievable. I think it is incredible how far we have all come and I am so grateful for you all sharing and listening. Thanks for the book suggestions Bertie!
Sunny here today so I'm going to suggest a trip to the zoo. Happy weekends all

Hi Bertie

I agree with you that doing all the right things doesn't = well behaved childten. This is probably my worst trigger: the frustration og not getting the right result despite all my efforts.
I still like the approach of the aha website and I think hope it will produce more results later!

I like how to talk, but find it difficult to implement it with my two-2 year olds.

Thanks for your suggestions though, I will look at the other books too.

Oh yes, don't get me wrong, I do love AHA parenting! :) It's the style that I tend to aim for/do most often, and it's served me very very well with 99% of things. It's just that I found as DS got older (3 was a flashpoint for me) I did need to introduce some mild sanctions for certain behaviours (hitting, rudeness) that just weren't getting sorted trying any other way of dealing with it.

How To Talk is better with older children, definitely, although validating feelings is important at any age. I found a few of the suggestions started becoming more useful at about age 3, but most of them are more for school aged children.

I've really liked the talk so kids will listen and WKPYB books - again I haven't finished either (!) but I've had a few revelations from running through some of the question pages in WKPYB.

I haven't seen the Happiness Project, I'll have look on Amazon later.

It's a really good point that sometimes it's not all about you. It's worth keeping that sense of perspective, actually.

I am currently hiding in the bathroom for 5 minutes peace while DH is downstairs!! The drip drip effect is definitely challenging me today - even when we're out in the fresh air, DS is like a vibrating ball of unreleased energy and DD truly is the tantrum queen at the moment.

Have had a manic couple of days so haven't posted but it sounds like things are improving for everyone here at least a bit! Nellie that talk with your son was amazing.

Since our low point things are heaps better here. Not sure why! We do a lot of the AHA parenting things, and 123 Magic, etc but sometimes DS seems to not respond to any of it.

We wonder if he has a developmental issue like Aspergers as he can be hard to connect with. That combined with meltdowns and aggression can be red flags but GPs and HV say no. We were less concerned the last month or so as he's made leaps and bounds of progress with relating and language lately. And after his few days of hitty kicky unhappy angry behaviour seems heaps happier again and lovely to be around.

I'm going to talk to a counsellor about my own angry reactions to DS aggression. Also found a great website with some strategies we haven't tried, like diving in and blowing raspberries on their tummy when they get hitty. Definitely haven't tried doing that!

Has anyone else looked at Hand in Hand Parenting? It really focuses on connecting with your kids and acknowledging their emotions. Feels sucky though as we have tried to do this since day one! Sigh.

Parenting really stops you being a judgey pants!

Here are some links from that Hand in Hand Parenting website.

www.handinhandparenting.org/article/handling-a-childs-aggression-setting-limits-with-vigorous-snuggle/
www.handinhandparenting.org/article/children-hitting-biting-pushing-helping-children-with-aggression-2/
www.handinhandparenting.org/article/crazy-mad-what-to-do-when-your-kids-push-you-over-the-edge/

Dishes I could have written that first post. You've basically described exactly where I was at.

Is the hand in hand website the same one as the site that deals with aggression? I'll have a look at those links, thanks. So glad things have been a bit better for you too.

Another, so glad not to be alone but also urgh that anyone at all has to go through this type of thing! All my links so far are from the Hand In Hand website including the ones on aggression. There might be some some aggression links up thread that I haven't seen, not sure. Will go have a look!

When kids push your buttons is worth reading to the end. It took me about a year to get through all of it. I think it's split into three (?) sections - the introduction, then a bit where it goes through the process of identifying your buttons and seeing what level they are and if you can deal with things in another way and common mistakes that get you wound up, etc, which is a bit self-help-y and has little charts you can fill in etc. I remember trying to do one of these and getting totally overwhelmed with the amount of "buttons" I seemed to have and feeling crap, so I abandoned it for a while. Decided to read through the whole section, which I did, went back and tried again to list all of the buttons and then categorise them, I think I ended up with four main flashpoints. I went through with the intention of filling in one chart (on separate paper so I could dispose of it ) per "button" and alternating, this was hugely helpful. It brought up a big issue for me personally which I hadn't dealt with and really took the heat out of one of my issues (feeling "touched out"). However, I didn't end up going through every little thing because it was so emotionally heavy I didn't think I could handle another one

The second part is about identifying common buttons which I also found really interesting and helpful, stuff like guilt, overcompensation, ungratefulness, etc. I have half gone through those with a little notebook and made notes on them.

The last part will chew you up and spit you back out (and almost made me cry on a train ) and then somehow becomes incredibly uplifting and confidence making and inspiring. That gave me the push to do my little notebook thing and I'm supposed to "debrief" every time I feel some issue has gone badly with DS, in practice I don't! But I do look at it from time to time and it helps me remember how to do things better.

How old is your son Dishes?

Raspberry idea sounds dangerous it's the kind of thing that might work well with a 2 year old but with a giant 5 year old in a rage you'd be more likely to get kneed in the head. Raspberries are a very trust-related thing I find. Although I did used to tickle when I felt the urge to scream at times as it gave another outlet which was positive - only really works if your child likes tickling!

DS is 3 so raspberries still possible, just maybe

Bertie the buttons book sounds great, will look it out at the library. Will surely end up buying as sounds a long term project

Bertie, that book really does sound like it is worth doing. So many of our reactions that we wish we didn't have probably stem from some deep seated experience or issue that probably just needs to be aired to be understood. I am kind of scared and excited to read it.
Also will be looking into those aggression links as that part we still have not seen a breakthrough with and I'll admit I still am at a loss how to handle it effectively. Despite a lovely day at the zoo I did have to issue warnings and threaten to take him home etc at least three times.