Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

[NellysKnickers]

I think I love you all.....we are having behavioural problems with ds2, he constantly has melt downs and screams "I dont want you in my house" he is 3. He attacks ds1 and is generally cross. I try so hard not to shout, but do daily. He is smothered in love and attention, Im at my wits end, its nice to know its not just me

[ScoutFinchMockingbird]

I'll join in. I "toilet trained" DD (2.8) in Jan and she had a really good run where she told me she needed to go etc. For the last 2 weeks though it has all gone out the window and I might have got a little bit angry with her last night (although I know you're not supposed to . Need to concentrate on what a lovely little girl she is!

[Nellie2477]

At work so can't type much but to answer your question, monkey - DH did not actually intervene last night until I gave up and curled up in a ball on my bed while DS1 walked around like he owned the place. Then he stepped in and told him to go to bed and that he had upset me. DS was rude to him but he went to bed - not to sleep but to bed. I don't know how to deal with him being aggressive, it makes me aggressive back (like I held his hands and his head down when he wouldn't stop trying to hit or head butt). Is that the wrong thing to do? If it is, then how else do I deal with it? He won't stay in his room if I close the door he comes right back at me. I walked all the way home the other day with him hitting me for some reason. How do I make him learn that is not acceptable without having to physically restrain him myself which makes it worse? I could do with DH stepping in and putting his foot down but I have disagreed with DH so many times that I think he is afraid to. I called a counsellor through our work EAP service. I'm meeting her tomorrow. I have no idea if it will help (and tbh her phone voice made me want to slap her...) So I will let you know. I am filled with dread about tonight. Honestly. Thanks for the hugs - sending them back out to you all if you have had a crap day. You are all amazing xxx

[jigglebum]

Nellie - hope the counsellor is some help, sometimes it just helps to talk it through. I remember when DD was 10 months old and wouldn't sleep, wouldn't go to sleep, wanted carrying all day, DH was being useless etc I saw our HV (who is surprisingly good), she asked how I was coping and out it all came, with lots of tears. Just having someone listen, show interest and time helped a lot and she reassured me about things I was doing etc.

Today has been a mixed day. Lost it with DD in town - she was tired but hates sitting in her buggy and wont be strapped in, she wanted more chocolate etc - cue lots of screaming. I shouted only a little bit and sensibly went straight back to the car and gave up on the shopping but I should nt have even attempted it with her that tired. DS has been ok for me but I go out on a Tuesday night and he is always appalling for DH. DS basically pushes our boundaries as far as he thinks they can go and he is more secure in where mine are and how I will deal with him. He and DH have a very up and down relationship at the moment, which is not great and a real shame as DH was very good with him when he was younger and we just had one.

[AnotherMonkey]

At work here too so typing fast.

Nellie my heart just goes out to you at the moment. I'm thinking about counselling too, tbh I think I've been on the edge of PND since DD was born, and sometimes my own issues cloud the way I deal with things.

Today I sobbed all the way to work.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. DS actually could have gone to school I think but as he was still dosed up with painkillers when he went to bed (so I wasn't sure whether he would be in any pain during the day), and as I'd rearranged all my work anyway, we stayed home. We played, we went for pizza, we snuggled and watched a film. DD was at nursery. He was so happy and I didn't need to say a word about behaviour. When everyone was home his behaviour worsened, but it was as if the link was still there and I dealt with it all well and he responded.

Then there was this morning. Triggers were all there, I'm a bit under the weather at the moment and was tired and stressed about stuff happening today, had to be out of the house by 7am. DS and DD sitting having breakfast, DS starts banging his bowl with his spoon because he knows DD will copy. DH had given them the good bowls. I ended up snapping and DS laughed at me (he does this sometimes for effect) and I put him in time out. I could feel a little bit of the bond from yesterday disappear again and then I had to go to fucking work.

It makes me feel so fucking sad, I miss the time when we were happy and I felt like I was good at this :( I haven't admitted that to anyone else.

[Nellie2477]

Monkey - I wish I could give you a hug. You are spot on. That is exactly it. I also feel like I used to be able to do this and I'm losing it and I hate it. I think our sons are so similar - if I get to spend time with him away from everyone else he goes back to being my little boy but as soon as we are all back together it gets back to the fighting and the stress. I feel guilt for so many things. But mainly for going back to work full time because I feel I signed away part of my mummy role. My hubby is a sahd and I give him so much grief because I feel so lost not being a part of their each and every day. I tell myself we had no choice but I wonder if that is true. And now having moved the family over here we are in so much less of a position to make any changes. On the plus side, my DH is working out how to be their full time daddy and does a great job at it most of the time! So they have actually gained a relationship there even if it doesn't fix my guilt issues. I think the key is trying to craft out these one on one moments with both of the kids. I used to think it was better to try to build that bond by always doing everything together. But now I know that just breeds a lifelong argument so find those times and focus on them as you goal instead of on when you are not able to be there or when the normal routine starts again. I don't know if this makes any sense, I'm telling myself as well as you.
Therapist tonight...will let you know how it goes. Be strong.

[AnotherMonkey]

Good luck tonight, I hope she's not as annoying in real life!

I forgot to mention in my post before that I had already asked twice, firmly and kindly, for him to stop. This is a real problem for me at the moment - how to put my own feelings to one side and deal effectively with his rude and sometimes very odd behaviour in these situations. I know that what happened this morning is pretty normal 4 year old stuff so I don't understand why I let it annoy me so much. It's as if I feel let down by him pushing the boundaries/not automatically complying (unreasonable) and then he feels let down by the consequences that follow (he really doesn't cope well with time out). The whole subtext being that we MISS each other. I'm just not sure yet how I should have dealt with it instead.

Suggestions welcome please!

[AnotherMonkey]

PS yes, what you wrote makes perfect sense.

[AnotherMonkey]

:)

[Nellie2477]

I keep coming back to a moment about a week after DS2 was born when we had visitors over and DS1 was only 2.5. He came up to me mid conversation with my friend, looked up and said "Mummy, I miss you" which broke my heart at the time and still does when I think about it. 2 and a half years later I think we are still there albeit under different circumstances. I think that is where I will focus my mind the next time he kicks off.

[jigglebum]

I think they do find the sibling thing very hard to deal with. DS clearly loves DD but his behaviour has definitely become worse as she has become older and more demanding herself. It is a hard concept to grasp that she is allowed to get away with some things simply because she is 2 and doesn't understand, whereas he is 5 and does understand. Going from having all of mummy's attention to probably less than half is hard.

DS was a star this morning. I was at work all day so didn't have to deal with either of them (work seems so easy in comparison!) and they were great till tea time ish when they were both tired and demanding. DS and DH had yet another falling out. I feel DH only says negative stuff to DS at the moment and he responds so much better to positive but I get told off for interfering if I say anything but they both behave much better for me than DH and thus it is a viscous circle - they behave badly, he gets stressed, they prefer to be with me etc.

how was everyone elses day today?

[AnotherMonkey]

Nellie, our situation sounds so similar. Roughly same age difference too.

Jigglebum (makes me smile every time I type your name!) it's so true that the difference in behaviour boundaries must be confusing for them. I remember still feeling that as a teenager!!

NelliesKnickers and Scoutfinch, welcome

Claires are you around today - how's it been? Are the twins any better?

So this evening was good. And I have some very good news. Since the beginning of this thread, we are making real progress with DS and the physical stuff. Twice this eve DD scratched out at him. Once he ruffled her hair and once he grabbed her wrists, I was about to tell him to stop when he kissed her hand. I'm so proud of him.

I am so committed to coming through this now rather long phase with stronger relationships at the end of it. I can't tell you how much this thread is helping to keep me sane xx

[ClairesTravellingCircus]

Hi, sorry I don't ever seem to find the time to add anything meaningful to this thread. Dts much better, might send them back to nursery tomorrow.

Today's been marginally better, managed to keep calm more than usual, but still snapped a couple of times, like when dts purposefully pushed dtd while she was drinking in the kitchen. I had juice everywhere, she was on the floor crying and I just shouted at him. He has been hitting/pushing her a lot with no apparent reason and my constant refrain: "no dts, no hitting" doesn't produce any results so I end up shouting.

[Nellie2477]

Congratulations, Monkey!! That sounds like a major breakthrough. How did you do it? I'd love to know details. Any time my boys touch each other even by accident I have to diffuse WW3! Hi everyone else and hope your nights have been restful.
Well I went to the therapist. I am of two minds about it. There is no doubt that it helps to talk about it to someone who is impartial. But then I have you guys and so far nobody on here has ever made me even consider the possibility my 5 year old might be a sociopath. She did say that it didn't sound like he could be but come on, who would have even thought that of a five year old?? Anyway, she did give some good advice about play and lightening up the mood and being more collaborative with DH. And I did cry, damn it. I have a follow up next week... it does make me laugh a bit that I have a therapist only one and a half months into my New York life. How very Ally McBeal :)
So then there was tonight which was not fun. But I am proud to say I am on day 2 for the first time. Tomorrow will be 3 and I will conquer it. That is not to say bedtime was any better. The only reason it didn't go on for hours was that they must have been tired so DH told him he could get his bunny back if he could be quiet for 5 mins and they both fell asleep... the last thing he said to me tonight was that he didn't love me. So I am not feeling all that triumphant :(

[ScoutFinchMockingbird]

Congrats to everyone on making progress with DC. I am also managing to be patient with DD, even though accidents still happening. But she is really trying. It just seems to happen when she is really enjoying playing.

I am also trying not to get too worn down by the tantrums and am finding it easier to find things to distract her when I see the signs coming.

Good luck all!

[AnotherMonkey]

Scoutfinch it must be frustrating when you feel like you've gone back a step. It's such a messy business too! I'm not looking forward to potty training DD. It's (almost) comical at the moment, she's super charming one second, screaming banshee the next, you never quite know which toddler to expect. Do you ever feel like your nerves are frayed by the end of the day?

Claires I so sympathise with that. The frustration makes not shouting so tough.

Nellie - all we need is a freaky dancing baby and in my head you will be Ally McBeal :) Remember that it is sooo common for 5 year olds to say that. And please remind me of this when I'm sobbing about it on here in 6 months time! It is brilliant that you've reached day 2, you should feel triumphant.

I'm trying to summarise what I've done about the hitting, but I'm really wary of sounding smug or like it's suddenly fixed. Both are far from true! These are the things which have definitely helped:

a) Helping DS to use words to explain why he hit/pushed/pinched DD. The only time this didn't work was when he hit DD but was mad at me too. That took longer. Often it calms things straight down. This morning for example (we're both getting better at it, we're a couple of weeks on now and the first week was half term, so lots of practice!) we managed to work out that DDs screaming was hurting his ears. Interestingly, it was a very half-hearted prod this morning, followed by "did you see that mummy", followed by our conversation. It feels like we may reach the point where he actually does realise some things can be solved without hitting out. I moved him into the kitchen to eat away from the screaming and he gave me a massive hug :)

b) I think he is starting to feel more loved generally as I look at my own behaviour and the dynamic between him, me and DD.

c) I guess as I'm not shouting at him or isolating him for hitting, it's modelling ways of dealing with situations which make you cross? He just seems to be empathising a bit more with DD, if that makes sense.

d) I'm giving him strategies which would work instead - eg, if DD is trying to grab your cars don't push her: move your cars away or ask mummy for help. Again, it doesn't happen very time but it happens enough to know he's trying and when he forgets we go back over it.

e) loads and loads and loads and loads of praise when her gets it right, which interestingly he's getting better at accepting.

f) now that DS isn't getting shouted at or put in time out for hitting, there can be more equality in the way I deal with both him and DD for this. Previously, his consequences were completely out of kilter with hers.

I honestly feel really wary posting that as I feel like we've still got so far to go, but there has been a tangible difference. It really helps me too to clarify all this in my own mind.

Wishing everyone a good day x

[AnotherMonkey]

Come back on simply to say I now have the Ally McBeal theme firmly stuck in my head. It's a catchy one

Memories!!

[DishesToDoButCuppaFirst]

Better parent yes please. I have been so awful today I told DP I would understand if he wanted to leave me :-( Smacked DS twice today. It is SO far away from where I want to be as a parent. Where I ever dreamed I'd be.

Thought our struggles with behavioural issues were improving but the last few days DS (3) has been hitting and kicking us whenever something isn't going his way or we do something with him like brush his teeth, wash hands, change pants, etc. A while back we started using an anti-hitting strategy which seemed to be working great except it requires parental calm in the face of this new style of hitting that involves thrashing arms and head butting and body slamming.

This week I've been stressed and tired and didn't handle it today. Was restraining his hands from hitting me, couldn't achieve it with both his hands coming at me like a barrage, and then I got shouty and smacked his hand in frustration. I apologised and we reconnected, things calmed down then tempers gradually escalated as the day went on. Later this afternoon it was a fury of feet and hands at me and after a while of trying to calmly block and tell him no I lost it and slapped his leg

He's had upheaval recently and is obviously anxious and unhappy. The last thing he needs is a shouty smacky mummy. I want to be calm and strong and loving for him, a rock he can trust. Instead of calmly enforcing limits I behaved the exact opposite of how I want to be! So ashamed and sad need help.

[AnotherMonkey]

((((Dishes)))) that's a rubbish feeling. Come join us :)

The aha parenting site recommended on page one of this thread really helped to kick start more positive strategies for me, I'd recommend it.

I've been reading about childrens' need for autonomy in the talking so kids will listen book, and this is really helping with DD. she wants to do EVERYTHING herself, which leaves me in a state of frustration or terror most of the time. But what is interesting is that if I leave her to get on with it herself (eg, putting her tights on this morning), eventually she realises she can't quite do it yet and as soon as the frustration noises start I ask her if I can help. Eventually she does say yes. It feels like he longest wait in the world but in reality, it's quicker and happier than the rigid screaming and kicking when I just try to do it for her. Funnily enough, she did manage to get her pyjama bottoms on by herself yesterday evening so sometimes she knows better than me. I don't know if this relates at all to your DS.

[ScoutFinchMockingbird]

I know exactly what you mean monkey. My DD also very independent and takes ages to do anything and has a tantrum if you try to help. She gets the independence from me, so I should sympathise, but I just find it very frustrating.

dishes I am often shouty mum and my DD hates it. It is so hard not to though isn't it?!

[jigglebum]

Will DD has certainly been pushing all the buttons again today - just generally being very demanding and independent ie wouldn't wear shoes for the school run but then of course wanted to get down from being carried. Unfortunately DS got the brunt of my shouting once again - DD trying to steal his cars again, I try to negotiate "just one", he got really mad about the one she had, tried to rugby tackle her etc, I get v cross, he slams the door on DD trapping her toes, she screams in pain, I, to my shame call him a "f...king idiot" and sent him to his room. He did realise and he did say sorry and say he made the wrong choices and it all calmed down but that period whilst I am trying to cook their tea is always fraught it seems.

[Nellie2477]

Dishes - just wanted to also offer hugs and tell you I know what that is like. My DS1 is 2 years older and using same physical violence but with gaining strength. Really does not put you in a place to think calmly and handle the situation. I have been told by a lot of people recently, when you feel it is going crazy around you think of the calm place, or sing or hum or count to try to calm things down. Can't say I have succeeded but it's worth a try.
Monkey - I am now humming the theme tune too. I used to love Ally Mcbeal. I might have to use her Theme Song tactics to diffuse situations. Or at least dig out the Dvds (yes, I have them) :) Thanks for documenting your steps to less violence, I think they sound very sensible and will take note
Had a really productive calm chat about parenting with DH last night too which was helpful as he had had a really sh*t day with the boys.
Have a good evening - bedtime is close for you. I will be dreading it later but really focused on it not becoming a serial issue. DS1 said to me this morning "I can't wait till summer because then I will be good all the time". I asked why and he said "because we will be having too much fun". Tells me a lot... I also talked to him about going to see a friend of his who lives in Boston (ally Mcbeal land!) and said before we can go he needs to learn how to do bedtimes again like he used to without getting so overexcited etc. He said "maybe you shouldn't tell me about things that I get excited about then". These are the moments I love with my son when he reasons and expresses and talks to me. And I feel there is so much there that I need to pick up and work on. It doesn't help when he switches on the demented jester routine but I feel like he is trying inside his own head. Do you think that is right or am I reading too much into it?

[AnotherMonkey]

Well tonight's highlights included DS refusing to walk to the car after school; a comedy bitch slap tussle over a purple crayon; something very much similar to that peg game (where you bop one down and another one pops up) whilst trying to encourage my wrigglers to sit down and eat their dinner; absolute stubborn refusal from DD to have her nappy changed, including much screaming, a full body wrestle, an escapee bottom covered in poo, wipes which would not come out of the bloody packet, a clean nappy which (to my absolute disbelief by that point) had a broken tag and had to be taken off and replaced (that sounds so easy written down), a boy telling me repeatedly and with increasing urgency that he needs a poo too and 25 minutes of my life I'll never get back. But... I did not shout. I'm back to 1! Woohoo :)

DS told me I was his heart tonight.

Nellie that's such thoughtful stuff for him to say. Little man. Does he go to school over there?

Jigglebum that situation is so familiar.

Scout, I feel the same, my independence is a quality I really value as an adult and I really want to encourage it in DD. But oh my word it's tough sometimes!

[Moodykat]

Would just like to thank whoever posted the link to the aha parenting site. Have been devouring it at work today and really tried to act on it when I picked the boys up. Had a lovely, mellow evening with lots of cuddling and DS2 telling me I am his best friend (2.8). So cute. But it's mornings that usually get me so that will be the real test!

[Nellie2477]

Another bedtime over and I'm still counting 3! I had to remove DS1 from the bedroom because he was screaming pretending it was his toys. I took him to my room and tried to lie down with him, told him to stop hitting, stop spitting (which he discovered tonight to my horror). I eventually said I wasn't staying there with him if he was doing that and he got angry. So I thought hold on. He needs me. I asked him if that was what he wanted - to spend more time with me. He said yes. So I wrote off my evening again and sat with him and talked about all sorts of stuff - way beyond a five year old but it just seemed right. I learned that he is sad. He is so very sad about some things. He told me he wished he was a baby again and his voice wobbled when he talked about home (in the UK). I showered him with love and finally after an hour convinced him to go to bed quietly and not wake up his brother. I feel shattered but like it was worth it. I beg that this doesn't go on for too long though because it is sapping all of our energy.
Monkey - he's not in school at the moment which I think is a huge part of the problem. He starts kindergarten in Sept (a year later than UK) and I'm trying to find him a preschool in the meantime but it's damn hard here not to mention going to cost a small fortune. Some things here are insane and the preschool admissions process is one of them. Good night guys - I'm going to take something for my headache and do what my son did to get to sleep, curl up like a baby.