Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

[BertieBotts]

New Thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/2172405-Come-and-be-a-better-parent-in-the-trenches-Thread-2

I have to rush off to my driving course but will reply later on next thread! Unlikely to be pregnant but I have some other ideas.

[AnotherMonkey]

I've got to be quick so will reply properly later...

bertie do you know what it is that's making you so tired - have you felt like this before? Is the cause emotional or physical? you're not pregnant, are you?
I'm so in awe that you can do all that you do in a completely different culture/language.

mrsfrumble just had to comment on the cushions as I was thinking about that this morning! DD no longer uses nappies in the day but as a result of potty training in the summer, she is bare-bummed at every opportunity. I was idly wondering, as she clambered all over me after going to the toilet, to what extent our family and furniture smell of perma-wee and how it is that I've lost the mental capacity to know or care!

purpleflamingos welcome - that's a tricky and annoying situation to be in :(

I don't mind at all if somebody else starts the new thread - I have no idea what to call it and will probably forget to link or something!!

[Purpleflamingos]

Me too. Just noticed this thread. I was proud of myself until new neighbours moved in. I rarely shouted, we laughed and played. All was well the first few weeks as I thought the elder boy would tire of playing with children 5&7 yrs his juniors as they grew used to each other. Then I began to resent the constant badgering to knock on his door, the elder influence on eager to please young dc (I don't want to play your games, let's play this or I'm going inside), asking him to give us time for dinner only to have a knock in the door 10 minutes later asking if they'd finished (no, it takes 15 minutes to get them to start eating!) and I began shouting at my precious dc.
The last three weeks I've taken them out a lot when we should have been enjoying our garden. I've also doubled my efforts and had their friends round a lot more to play. Now I have to stop shouting when they wind each other up and give them more time to get ready/find their shoes (because the shoes have a specific place and they would be there if the dc didn't play with them) and just chill out about everything. I will do better. I don't want to be a stressed out shouting mum.

[Mrsfrumble]

Bertie, you're the first poster to ever comment on my name! DS loooovvvees Richard Scarry.

Are you living in Germany? That must be so tough. I find being in the US alienating enough and the locals (supposedly) speak my language.

My day did improve slightly, but not before DS dozed off on the sofa and did a massive sleep-wee all over the cushions. Is it really skanky that I just squirted them liberally with Febreeze and put them outside to dry? Figuring out how to wash the covers without ruining them seemed like more than I could manage today

Anyway, I'll look out for the new thread. Goodnight!

[BertieBotts]

Hi MrsFrumble! We're about to start a new thread as this one is almost full, please follow. Someone will put a link up or PM. I think that everyone on this thread can empathise with some part or other of your post. I have to go to bed but will be around, probably later in the week as I sort out my head right now.

Another, funnily enough we went out today, just to the shopping centre, but it was good because we all got something we could work on when we got home. DH bought screwdrivers to try and fix his old phone. (I am really envious of the way he just wakes up, makes a plan and follows the whole thing through. I wish I could be like that.) I bought a thermometer because I want to try tracking my cycles, and a venus flytrap! DS got a little cactus for his room but the flytrap was interesting to him too, and we had a play in the shop on a game that we have at home so I've promised to play that with him on Monday.

When we got home I was just so exhausted. I don't know what it is - I mean yes I stayed up late last night but I couldn't do anything or keep my eyes open, I ended up going for a twenty minute nap but then reset my phone for another half an hour, then a fifteen minute one and eventually I just turned it off and slept. I slept for about 2.5 hours until DH came to wake me up (and actually we had sex then, sorry TMI!) but it was really nice and I realised I don't feel very connected to him at the moment. I felt better then and still feel better now but will be out all day at this thing tomorrow, which is 6 and a half hours, I think I'm going to be totally exhausted again from trying to speak German for that long too which is why I haven't promised anything to DS at all. Anyway, I'll be back after he's in bed. Bit scared but I'm going with a friend, so should be okay.

No disclaimer in the title! I think though after MrsFrumble's post (I love the name BTW - Richard Scarry is ace!) it's clear the thread title should be clear about what it is perhaps?

[Mrsfrumble]

Can I muscle in on this thread please? Every time I notice the thread title I think "I really need to read that!".

I'm not a very good mother. I have a 3 YO DS and a nearly 2 YO DD, who are at home with me full-time, and I shout and lose my temper way too much. If I'm really honest I say some pretty horrible things to DS too. He's a very bright and sensitive boy and I know what damage my words must be doing as they come out of my mouth but I sometimes I just can't stop them.

I know just what the problem is. I need a break, but it's hard as last year we moved 5000 miles away from our families and friends for DH's work. DH works long hours and I've struggled to make friends, probably because I'm so consumed by the children that I must seem boring and distracted.

There was light at the end of the tunnel when I thought I'd found a part-time preschool place for DS but it fell through at the last minute.

Sorry for the pity party. Today has been a bad one. We all slept terribly last night; first DS's pull-up leaked all over his bed so he came in with us, then the baby woke up and was fussing for ages (teeth? Wind? Nightmares? Who knows). We decided to go out for brunch and both children had tantrums before we'd even left the house because they didn't want to wear their new sandals, then DS lost it at the restaurant because he changed his mind about what he wanted to eat when it was too late. On the way out he he grabbed a stone in the parking lot and threw it at a car that was pulling into a parking space! I wanted to kill him, myself and the people in the car (to get rid of the witnesses)! DH and I were so shocked and mortified we didn't really know what to do other than cringe and apologize profusely, then hustle DS in to the car while telling him that what he'd done was very, very naughty.

Now we're home. Baby is napping and DH seems to have twigged that I've had enough and has taken DS off to watch a film on the sofa. Only I'm feeling guilty for not doing anything constructive so will go and sort laundry rather than resting.

[jigglebum]

Glad to have found you all again! Nearly survived the holidays, though I am ready for them to go back to school/preschool and me back to work now. We've had some good times away (our week on the Gower was pretty good all round) and busy days generally. DS has been quite trying at times but DD generally good (with some sleep time battles.) I haven't managed to catch up at all yet but just reading this last page is reassuring as ever. Our main battle with DS this holidays has been his intense jealousy of his little sister. He loves her and can play with her brilliantly but he can also be very horrid to her and complains about her having more, spoiling his games etc all the time. I feel I have spent too much time this holiday telling DS off. He is becoming quite mouthy and incredibly selfish, but I think I expect too much at times too and I need to curb my telling off sometimes too. Maybe I should sit down with him as you did another and see if I can get him to articulate his feelings about his sister. Right Im knackered - early night calls.

[AnotherMonkey]

I checked in quickly this morning and the thought of 'spilling all over the trenches: it's not a porno thread' has had me smiling all day

10 posts until we need that new thread - I'm getting a bit teary. I have no ideas yet for the title - I'll have a think too!

bertie the only thing which works for me when I get into one of those ruts (and that feeling is so familiar to me) is to get out for the day. Like dango wrote; I'm much less likely to screen check when I'm out and, particularly if there's fresh air involved or some-thing/one to engage my brain, I feel SO much happier for making the effort. Good luck with the driving test prep tomorrow! Oh, and your homework this week is to sort your insurance

bunly role play - that's a good idea. If we get anywhere, I'll report back! Thanks for that suggestion, DS loves rp so it could be a really good way in.

dango DS is struggling at bedtime at the moment too. He says that he can't shut his eyes and that things are scaring him. If I try to insist that he goes to bed and goes to sleep it just doesn't work. As the first thing I do anyway when they settle is catch up with emails/work/this, I've started sitting at the end of his bed with my iPad on the condition that he is quiet. He goes off really quickly. The added positive is that he spends a lot of that time wriggling close and telling me he loves me which, given our current connection issues, I see as a good thing. This might be no help at all but it was something I was thinking about tonight!

We've had a good day today. My homework this week has sometimes been little things (like the 10 minute coffee break), sometimes instigated by my husband (not that, dishes he's started film nights: iPad, bed and red wine - it's great) and sometimes simply accepting that I don't have to be everywhere with everyone all the time. I believe strongly in spending time as a family, but they (at this age, DS in particular) need their own interests and let's face it, any 3 people who are that intensely in each other's pockets for two months are going to start to annoy each other at some point. I spent some time out with just DD this morning and that was lovely too.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.......

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Hello all

bertie I find screens hard. I find when I'm finding the day hard I turn to the phone more so am less attentive with the dc so they behave worse and the cycle continues. I think I will take a leaf from letsgo and use fb once a day- turn all notifications off- and just check here and my sleep deprivation thread- they're the only places I go here.

dd party today. She managed to bounce!

[BertieBotts]

Yes, we don't have a car. I'm doing a first aid course and eye test tomorrow though which is the first step towards taking my driving test! The public transport is pretty good so it shouldn't be that hard to get around so I think it's more of a mental block than a real one.

Honestly, and this is quite embarrassing and/or worrying, I feel quite scared at the idea of going a whole day without electronics. I just don't know how I would fill all of that time. It's ridiculous I know. I do have to try it for my sanity though!

[Letsgoforawalk]

I think the time is nigh for thread 2. monkey really should do it as the queen of the thread. To put in my two'pennorth re the title. I like the current title with maybe a small disclaimer (warning: homework will be set) or something, but nothing too scary!

bertie nothing you don't know here, you sound depressed, you know what you need to do. I'm rooting for you and hope you get sorted with either the real life help and support you need, the drugs that work or whatever it is that will help get you out of this hole.
On the subject of screen addiction, I found that going cold turkey on any social media while on holiday really helped cut it down on return (I just check fb once a day and this thread and that's it. ) moving to a wifi free cave may be a bit drastic but Can you find a way to get yourself going in the day on an activity with DS without any gadgets being turned on? No computers til after 2pm or something like that? Would transport help? I'm sure you posted a while back that you didn't have a car to use day to day..?

Sometimes different habits just need a kick start, but that so much easier to talk about than put into practice, especially when depression is creeping in.

dango great post! especially that middle paragraph about the self care. I've never worked out how to quote on this site but your sentence about 'small and insular ... repetitive grind' really rings true.

For those still on summer hol time enjoy your last weekend before term starts, i hope it's a good one with a bit more sun than we are getting here right now.

I always quite like start of term, new resolve, new challenges, back to routine.

[DangoDays]

Oh Bertie I've had those moments where I am done. Mostly when DS2 is still awake after 3 hours of on off crying and bfing I announce 'Okay, I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm leaving.' I really feel for you.

As far as the devices thing I think about this a lot. I saw a book the other day about craving connectivity or something like that - about using devices. When I am agitated I check my phone a lot more than when I am busy out in the park, meeting friends etc. I often think about just scrapping the internet on it all together but then I know I should try to self regulate. Then I just remind myself that it is a sign I am stressed out and preoccupied and to try not to beat myself up!!!!

Keeping up with the self care hwk. I have made a real effort to meet friends this week which has been so nice. DS1 has had someone to play with and sharing my woes has meant I've relaxed a lot and that actually when I am with other parents I am reminded that a lot of this shit is just par for the course. I also managed a boozy dinner at a friends which was brilliant - lovely non judgy company. DH ended up with DS2 on his back in the carrier till I got home at midnight! I just felt so normal to be out in the evening and see everyone milling about. It made me realise how small and insular the repetitive grind of daily life with children can make things seem. So again back to its all about perceptions. Its how to recognise that when things are shit that is the big challenge.

Another I feel like you write my posts sometimes too! Glad you've had some fun with DS. I have gone off with DS1 lots this week to do things and it is night and day difference without DS2 around. He has been a dream this week - aside from the odd bed time shenanigans - any ideas anyone?!!!?? like you - I am resigning myself that how he is with DS2 is just a long term thing and small successes are important. I have been asking him to help watch DS2 or give him some food etc - little tasks and it has been much better. I've been using this especially when I see the glint in his eye like he might be about to hit him or do something unkind. Normally I am straight in with remember to be gentle etc but this switch has worked a little.

[DishesToDoWineFirst]

Genius! But why does spilling all over the trenches sound like a porno to me?! I must need sleep

I think another must start the new thread as tradition

[BertieBotts]

Trenches has to feature in the new thread title! Maybe it can be something like this (I don't want to start it, I can't be upbeat and positive enough in the OP. My aim is to be that way for the next one! )

The Trenches - support for people finding parenting tough and/or wanting to improve.

That's shit isn't it? Far too wordy and not funny at all.

Spilling all over the trenches - a thread for anyone trying to improve their parenting

[DishesToDoWineFirst]

bunly soft toys, brilliant, I am going to try that.

bertie I reckon this is a great place to spill. I don't think anyone here is judgey. We've been in that trench too

[BertieBotts]

Well, it's the weekend now so DH is here (hurrah) and going to try and force myself to make plans. And then we will be back to normal on Monday. I will get up in the mornings, I have to get dressed in the afternoons to pick him up. I will be back at work which I think I'm missing more than I realise.

I actually thought today "I don't want to be a mum any more". I hate it so much when I get like this. I can rationalise and understand that this is probably depression talking and it is a time limited thing and it will get better, but it's hard. I wanted children so much and I so looked forward to it and I want to do more things with him but I can't get myself off the damn stupid computer. I spend the whole day telling him to "go away" "leave me alone" "get out of my space" "don't touch my things", I hear the words coming out and I know I sound like an annoyed teenage sibling, not a mum.

It took me until 4.30 to get started on cleaning the house which I had promised DH I would do. I still haven't wiped down the counters but fuck it. I did the bedroom which has needed doing for ages, I hoovered and I even did the washing up which is usually his job.

It was when I saw someone posting on facebook about an evening activity they do with their DC, I just feel sad. We don't do evening activities, we barely even eat together. I never just "hang out" with him. We sit on our various devices. He even asked DH "Why do grown ups need to go on their computers all the time?" He's going to remember this and it scares me, I hate it, I want to change it but I can't. DH doesn't see a problem with all the screen time, and I didn't mind it especially when DS was starting to self regulate but it's gone up again, and I know I'm using it as a substitute for actually interacting with him.

I'm screwing it up NOW and I can't afford to sit around and hope it will vaguely get better. I can't have a break from being a mum, in fact I get lots of breaks but what I need is a year off or something. Not going to happen of course. I'm too young, I'm not ready. I'm desperate to start TTC again ASAP because I don't want to be too old when it ends but at the same time I'm scared of going back into the trenches again. I don't want to lose "me" again. I haven't recovered from the last time. And I feel like I shouldn't start that when I feel like this, which is probably sensible.

I need to go to the doctor, I know. I will, this time. I just need to get the insurance sorted out (stupid hurdle which is once again my own fault) and then I can go. Sorry for spilling on the thread :(

[RichInBunlyGoodness]

Another maybe try some kind of role play thing with soft toys? DD will sometimes go for that. I will pretend her bear is sad/angry whatever and ask her why she thinks he feels like that. DD's behaviour is definitely more challenging when DS is around. It's not all the time, today for example she's been mostly great but she still finds sharing me and DH tough. We've tried various things - more one on one time, instigating games that involve both of them so that she sees him as fun as well as a pain, talking to her about how she feels. It all helps but none of it is a miracle cure.

One thing I have been working on is trying to talk more positively to DD. I slip into hectoring her sometimes particulalry when I'm feeling tired and irritable. So if I need to tell her off I just tell her once clearly rather than ranting on try not to keep on at her about every little thing.

[DishesToDoWineFirst]

another no tips sorry, we have found digging difficult with DS at any age. I can only hope that it gets easier at 5yo than it is now at 3yo! Depends so much on the child as well as age and stage.

bertie is there anyone who could come and give you practical support at the moment? DH even taking a day off work (or more!) so you get a break?

It can be a big positive mental message to be supported even when you know you can endure until the next milestone, eg DC going back to school.

But doing just enough to get through is a valid short term survival strategy. If DS is getting the basic needs met, even lunch at 2pm, he will be okay.

to all in the trenches

Thinking about the self care theme, I find asking for help extremely hard but it is powerful self care. I need to do it more often, even little things. I'm just not used to it. I'm used to only asking someone for help when I am at the real end of my tether. Likely old bollocks about having to go it alone when younger and putting big importance on being strong, independent, self reliant... All good things but without balance they can spell depletion.

[AnotherMonkey]

Right then, I've pulled myself together for a better reply.

dreaming wine and tapas is my idea of a great night out definitely full marks on the homework assignment.

I've spoken to DS and have established that he likes having a sister because she has cute eyes but that he doesn't like being hit or screamed at. Fair enough. I can't get to that deeper layer though to find out why his behaviour changes on every level. Any ideas for doing some digging in 5 year old speak would be appreciated!

Bertie have you got much planned this weekend?

[AnotherMonkey]

((((Bertie))))) I too am in a bad place at the moment.

Dishes that's a good question - I've been weighing up whether to ask him specifically.

[BertieBotts]

Ugh I am stuck in a horrible rut at the moment. Can't make myself interact with DS properly, I keep telling him to go and play and leave me alone. I didn't get up until about 11 today and didn't make him lunch until 2 :( It should be better when school starts again because the routine of it helps me but it's shit that I've basically wasted the whole of the holiday. We have done SOME things but particularly this week and the second half of last week I've been rubbish :(

[DishesToDoWineFirst]

dreaming that foot injury sounds awful, your poor DD. The thought of landing on a plug like that makes me feel wincy I hope she heals quickly xx But hoorah for homework!

Instead of running about frantically doing errands while DS was at nursery I sat down and watched a silly movie instead. At first I kept thinking I was wasting time but it made the day feel so much less hectic and calmer somehow.

bunly the museum episode must have been grim, definite material. Maybe a funny memory after much time has passed... The mental image did make me smile too though!

another does your DS talk much with you one to one about his feelings and behaviour around your DD? It seems like there is a very strong connection between the two of you, hiding underneath the craziness when his sister is there. I haven't read all the recent posts properly so you may have already talked about this, sorry if I have missed that. I wondered how much he was able to articulate and if he himself was able to suggest anything that might help? He is still very young though.

letsgo hurrah for wine and sleep! We need more of both

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Only popped on to say.i have done my 'homework' been out with my friend and drunk a bottle of wine over tapas. Absolutely great :D

Another good day today with going out on bikes then playing at a friend's house.

letsgo no hard feelings. It's a horrible injury. I was most pissed off my dh wouldn't ring his (currently under a lot of stress) foot and ankle surgeon friend and if he weren't home I'd have taken her to A&E.

[Letsgoforawalk]

monkey that's really insightful. and it will get better, soon I hope.
dreaming I must apologise. here is not the place, however lightheartedly I intended it, to be questioning your decisions about how your daughters injury was dealt with. Sorry.
I am repeatedly impressed at how you (all) continue to deal with your wonderful but relentlessly challenging families. (That's DHs as we'll as DDs and DSs )
Happy Friday

[AnotherMonkey]

Just have to add... I should be at work today so DD is at nursery and it's just me and DS at home.

It's like a parallel universe. All the hyper and the impulse and the rudeness and the disconnection have gone.

He's still him; he still makes up songs about bottoms and disagrees with some stuff, but he's funny and happy and settled and gives me no cause for concern at all. He was a bit rude this morning, but on one occasion I just ignored him and he came back and asked properly (no attitude), and a couple of times we've laughed our way out of it. The connection is there. He plays happily by himself when I'm doing the jobs I need to do. I haven't had to say a word about behaviour when out, even when we had to stand for aaaages in the queue at the supermarket.

I'm aware that I'm more relaxed too. I can breathe and think and exist.

So this isn't just a phase, is it. The cause of his behaviour when DD is around is something I have to find a way of dealing with. It gives me hope though that in a few years, as DD grows up, things might get a bit easier. We needed today.

why can't he be like this all the time why why why