Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

[AnotherMonkey]

Nellie, I hope you got your hug and that you're having a good day at work. If there was ever a time for you to claim extenuating circumstances, I reckon this is it! I hope you've had a better day.

I'm on day 4 now. These have been school days so not a tremendous achievement, but we've had challenges and it's been ok.

I'm now aiming for a week!

[AnotherMonkey]

Just wondering... Does anyone have any good tricks for getting 4 year olds dressed in the morning without a drama? So far, I have used....
a) we're on a secret mission and need a disguise
b) we're superheroes and.... Roughly as above!
c) get dressed fastest competitions
d) using a timer

these all work but only for a day or two!

[ClairesTravellingCircus]

HI again

sorry I haven't been back, crazy as usual in my house.

AnotherMonkey sorry no tricks, like you I find they only work for a short time and then you have to resort to shouting again invent something new. But bloody well done on the 4 days!

I have been doing pretty bad. The toddlers are really full on, I struggle to get them out of the house in the morning, out of nursery at pick up time, then again out of the house for school pick up.
I was so exhasuted last night that my 12 year old volunteered to get them ready for bed,

I am starting again tomorrow, the weekend is always easier with dh around and no time constraints.

Nellie hope your first daya t work was ok, and things are settling down. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, moving house, country and job with young children is incredibly stressful!

[AnotherMonkey]

Hi Claire, I don't know how you do it with dts, it can take us an hour or more to get out sometimes, even now.

Today has been bad in the sense that I have shouted, I haven't handled everything well, and as I'm committed to doing this properly now I'm back to 0.

However.

I'm going to give myself a break because there's been more good than bad today, and I'm learning a lot.

Here's what I now know:

1. Time out for hitting is completely ineffective for my boy. In fact, it makes for an upsetting 4 minutes all round and has the exact opposite result to what it it supposed to achieve. His initial, gentler hits mean something specific and getting him to express this in words instead, and acknowledging those feelings, stop the behaviour and have a really positive effect.
   

1. I just need to remember to do this even when we are in a big rush to get somewhere.
   

1. I need to be careful that, when my patience is frazzled by DDs ongoing tantrums (she wants to do EVERYTHING herself), I don't take this out on a more calculated but minor irritation from DS.
   

1. When DS does not do what I need him to do, and instead responds by blowing a raspberry or running away or something else equally annoying, I need to find an alternative to shouting.
   

1. I also need to stop taking my stress out on DH :(

[AnotherMonkey]

Nellie, I know you must be sooo busy right now but if you get chance to read this I'm thinking about you and hoping that it's all going ok.

[AnotherMonkey]

Claire sorry, I meant to ask if today had been any better? Lovely of your 12 year old to offer to get the dts ready!

[Nellie2477]

Hello!! Sorry, it has been crazy and I haven't had a chance to get on what with mydata running out and the broadband still not up.
Thank you so much for thinking of me. Work went well despite being crazy. We started a reward jar with DS1 weds evening when his awful behaviour continued well into the night. I told him if he got his brother to go to sleep he would get a token. He didn't but in the morning he was really kind to him and praised him for doing something well so he got his first. Since then it's been up and down. Today he gained one and lost one (for punching me) and should really have lost the whole jar.
I worked out, his worst behaviour (screaming and being aggressive) is when he asks to play on the phone or iPad and we say no. He played this morning (a strategy game that is way too old for him - thanks DH), then he was an angel for a friend who babysat most of the afternoon while we did house shopping, and then completely lost the plot when I got home and said he couldn't play on daddy's phone. The screaming went on for what felt like hours and I had to take him outside and walk him up and down the street till he stopped. I need to ban all games other than his preschool age leap pad. It is going to be hell for a a few days... I don't think I shouted but again I had to raise my voice to be heard over the noise. I think I was kind and understanding (I sat on the floor with him and tried to explain it wasn't his fault that he felt this way) but it went on so long I just feel numb and I don't think I should count today as a win. I am back to zero I think. We took them out for dinner, he demanded, we ordered, he refused to eat, he mucked about all through dinner and then came home and calmly built a Lego car and went to bed. I feel lost. I don't know how to do what is right for him. I feel like either he is lost or he is laughing in my face. But he's only 5...
Sorry about the diatribe... So looks like we're all back to zero - so sorry. But as determined as ever. We can do this, we really can.

[EmGee]

This is a great thread - just what I need. I have turned into a shouter and seem to have zero patience with my DC (4 and 2). Have had one or two worrying moments recently (arm yanking....DD1 'You're hurting me!!!!!' - I feel awful about that) and DD1 starting to shout back at me. Have been waking up in the night feeling like shite and crying.

I am so happy to read the advice on here (will get on to those websites immediately) and also to hear that I am not the only one.

I also have a parenting book (haven't got beyond chapter one yet and started it months ago) which a friend is using with her autistic child. If anyone is interested it's here:

www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393791093&sr=1-1&keywords=janis%20norton&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

She says it is a challenge to use the techniques properly but it forces you to remain calm (I so need that!) and is seeing success with her child.

[jigglebum]

Reading with interest as think I need to do this too. I always resolve on going to bed that tomorrow I will be a calmer, happier, less shouty mum, but inevitably it doesn't always work. Anothermonkey I read your post with the 5 points on them and that is exactly me. I have a 2 yo DD who can be very demanding and a 5 yo DS who doesn't listen well but today I definitely did your no3 too often - DD stressed me out, DS got cross with her - I lost it with DS. For example DS was playing cars - loudly, smashing them but happily, DD wants to join in, goes and takes a car, DS say no they're my cars, I say offer her another one instead (normally works), she insisted on another one, he got cross, tried to push her away, I shouted far too loudly at him and sent him upstairs on time out. Not fair on him, not proportionate to the offence and not calm parenting. I need to learn to count to ten before I react I think and keep my voice calm.

Doesn't help that it was a miserable day so we were inside nearly all day and DH was out all day so it was just me and them, and they were both v tired after too late a night at GPs last night. But I do want to try and I am going to try and check in on this thread each day to give me inspiration.

[jigglebum]

Also re getting out the house in the morning - DS (yr 1) has four jobs to do each day, one of which is getting all the breakfast things out. He now gets himself dressed and comes downstairs and does this job. If he does all his jobs he gets a sticker at the end of the day and if he does the whole week he gets a hot wheels car. However, DD can be a pain in the arse in the morning but I am so used to it now I generally can just pick her up and plonk her in the car (with or without shoes/coat/willies/socks depending on the day) without shouting and she calms down on the journey to school. I don't have time to cajole her to do it so I ask her, I help her (she too is going through an "I do it myself" stage and then I pick her up and carry her if she is not complying!

[Nellie2477]

EmGee, my good friend told me about that book and she swears by it. Thanks for the reminder as I had forgotten the title and have been meaning to get it.
I agree with you - this thread and the OR page have become lifelines for me these last few weeks.
I haven't lost it with them today but I have shouted and am realising this is so engrained in my normal being that I am really struggling. Anyone who has been on OR, do I count shouting to DS1 in the street when he runs off and I want him to stop before the end of the block?? If so, I'm doomed!

[AnotherMonkey]

Nellie, I have linked screen time (or more specifically, games) to DS's poor behaviour too. We've cut the time he is allowed on these right down and it does help. It's interesting. How did today go?

EmGee hugs to you, it's so tough sometimes and I feel so much more... balanced... realising that it's not just me and my little family going through this stuff. The CHP book is one of the half read books on my kindle but I remember it being quite good, I'll have a look again tonight as I can't remember the techniques.

I don't know how others feel but for me this parenting thing can feel quite isolating sometimes. I've never felt so judged on a daily basis before. I do have high expectations of myself and I need to make sure I'm not projecting these unrealistically onto my children, I guess.

Jigglebum you described my life! (Had a proper chuckle at being plonked in the car with or without willies... Now that's extreme parenting )
The interesting thing with DS though is that anything reward based has absolutely no impact on his behaviour whatsoever.

Tomorrow DS is in hospital for grommets, he's a bit nervous, I'll be nervous but trying not to show it, we all have to be out of the house by 6.45am, wish me luck.

[AnotherMonkey]

I had to check DD in the middle of that so missed the last post. Nellie, I've been wondering similar. And what about when you need to make a firm impression on someone who is laughing and twisting and wriggling and pulling faces - there are types of shouting I am ashamed of and am determined to stop but equally, I need my son to listen to me.

[Nellie2477]

Definitely the trigger. We had had a good day so far, then come 4pm and he asked to play on DHs phone again and we said no, then we had scream the house down tantrums. He was hitting me and kicking so I emptied all his tokens back out of his jar (yup, count that as me losing it). Then dragged him out the door after wrestling his shoes on to meet one of my new neighbours who was coming to check if we were alright (oh my god....so ashamed). And guess what, he's a therapist! I am beginning to think we won't last the month without signing up for counselling... We any out and walked until he stopped screaming. Then did some races, tried to get him to tell me what was making him so angry (no luck). Then came home via the therapists house to apologise. I can't wait till the day I can report a good day, honestly. I also link the worst behaviour to when I'm there and I am sure he is making me pay for something but I can't get it out of him.

[ClairesTravellingCircus]

Quick post as dts are both at home ill
W/end was fine, but that's more because we're all more relaxed and dh is there to share the load than any extra effort on my part.

This week will be a real challenge though. Hope they're both back in nursery tomorrow, but then dh is away wed-fri so I'll be doing 2 lots of school runs and solo nights (dts are crap sleepers). Wish me luck!
Hope you had a good start of the week everyone. Will check in again when I get 5 mins

[jigglebum]

Rereading my post - obviously meant wellies, but spell check changed it!!

Anothermonkey - I think we lead parallel lives - my DS had grommets last year when he was in reception . Hope it all goes well today. It really helped DS but unfortunately they have now fallen out and his hearing is below par again but not bad enough now for them to re-operate. It is hard to know whether it is him not hearing or him not listening.

I too believe screen time negatively affects DSs behaviour - GPs let him have too much of it and I do think this affected his behaviour at the weekend. We had a good chat last night at bed time and he was an angel this morning. DD behaving ok too so far. I actually find it is easier when DH has gone to work early as I get much less wound up at breakfast when he is not there (when he is there he does nothing and it annoys me so I get stressed and cross with the kids, when he is not there I cant so I am calmer)

Hope everyone has calm days! Hope the DTs get well soon ClairesTC

[Nellie2477]

Today is a new day, and tonight will be a new bedtime... can't be any worse than last night's. The explosive child book is really good. If only I could skip work and just read it all day, I feel like it could give me some answers. Happy Monday all.

[jigglebum]

Good day here overall today till tea time. DH decides he wants to take DS to see the lego movie at half five, so he needs a quick tea and not the home made shepherds pie I had started as wouldn't be finished in time so cue a quick chicken nuggets for him and then DD and I sit down for tea and she refuses to eat anything...again! Why do I bother making home made stuff. So frustrating.

[AnotherMonkey]

Welcome, issimma it's not a good combination, is it?!

Jigglebum, it all went well today, thanks. The difference to his hearing is incredible. What a shame about the shepherds pie, I'm a bit annoyed for you!

Nellie, I know it's not funny really but I did smile at bit about the therapist - what are the odds?!

Claires - definitely wishing you luck for when your DH is away. The morning shift and the school run is tough when you're an adult down. I hope the twins are feeling better. How did today go?

So today has been a bit surreal here anyway with the strangely early hospital trip and all of us together on a Monday. No big dramas, but DH has mentioned tonight the possibility of seeing a child psychologist with DS. His (DS's) responses are so strange sometimes that I worry sometimes too.

Tonight for example, I said cheerily "what have you forgotten?!" when he came out of the toilet without flushing or washing his hands. He punched me in he stomach and meltdown ensued. I was calm, we sorted it, he'd had a long day, but just how odd is it? Similarly, when DH put moisturiser on DS's hands, DS spat at him. I excuse it by telling myself he's had a long and strange day, but this isn't unusual behaviour by any stretch. However, he is also bright and loving and funny. I just don't know what to think sometimes.

[AnotherMonkey]

Oh, and back to my list.

I think we may have issues with control (there are other, long term problems which suggest this). I've also mentioned already that abstract rewards simply don't work for DS. Natural consequence and role play work pretty well.

So the next thing I need to tackle on my list is how not to shout when DS doesn't do what is asked. Which is big, because he does not like being told to do stuff. Which, I realise as I write that, is maybe just perhaps not an entirely unfamiliar feeling to his mother

I think I'll begin by breaking it down and focus on getting DS to dress himself each morning without conflict. This applies to DD too actually.

[Nellie2477]

F*cking hell on earth. I am so sorry for swearing but I don't know what just happened. I swear this 5 year old that I don't even know as my son just won. I gave in, hung up the parenting hat and just cried and cried. He rules this house and I don't know what to do. I just had to lay the baby to sleep in my bed again for the second night running while DS1 was on the rampage. Me crying (first time ever in front of him) did not even make him blink. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be his mum any more. I think we need to get help.

[AnotherMonkey]

((((((((Nellie))))))))

I know what it's like to reach that point, if it's any consolation.

Come and write more about it if you think it will help. And remember that all of you are dealing with big changes at the moment xxx

[AnotherMonkey]

To be more constructive, I've got some questions, if you want to answer them.

What does your DH do during these times?

How does your DS respond to behaviour consequences ( time out, rewards, natural consequence, etc).

Something I'm trying is the idea of play before reasoning - there are ideas for games on the aha site to burn off energy in a more loving and constructive way (I think it's in the preschooler section - sorry will find link later if you can't find it quickly). Then talking about it later when things are calm. Could this be something which would work at bedtime?

Clearly I am no expert (hahaha) but for me 'talking' it over on here really helps, so here to listen if you want to.

[ClairesTravellingCircus]

oh god I feel exactrly the same today Nellie, big hugs from me too. This parenting lark is just so difficult, isn't it?

I keep reading all these books, then I try to do as they say, but ,y kids never comply, I'm feeling rather low again, been a terrible parent today with the twins, really ashamed of myself, feel like shit really.

sorry for not being more helpful to others