Is all smacking unacceptable?

[Bekki]

I have just started reading the thread on smacking and I was quite surprised to see that no one thought smacking was acceptable. Its very rare to see children being smacked in public but every parent that I know uses smacking as a last resort in disciplining. Is it just that people feel ashamed and fear a backlash? I'm not on about smacking through temper, but a thought out controlled smack that is explained to the child. There have been certain situations in public where a smack was the only answer for my ds as we had run out of options and it was quick, effective and calmed him immediatley. Am I the only 'smacker' on mumsnet?

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Bekki don't know which thread you were referring to but there was a very interesting thread a while ago in which some of those who do smack made their cases very well - of course I can't remember which one it was!

bekki i have smacked some of my children

I dont agree with smacking a child that is a baby or too young to understand right from wrong.

It is never done out of temper

It is used as the last resort

I dont like doing it but when you have grounded, sent to bed, stopped treats, stopped hobbies etc and the behaviour still carries on or get ignored that is when I smack.

I don't use it as a last resort, so here's an exception to your rule. I think it's wrong. All the arguments will have been stated again and again, so I won't repeat them here.

I believe in smacking. I don't always use smacking as a last resort. For some behavior, it's right up there at the beginning (running away from me into the street). I don't smack in anger and I don't inflict any pain when I smack. I think it's the appropriate punishment for certain offenses and it's extremely effective. I also think it depends on the child...it doesn't work with all children.

I'm with motherinferior. I don't and won't use it under any circumstances, personally - even as a last resort. But you are certainly not the only 'smacker' on mumsnet.

My dd has started being very rebellious, & takes no notice unless I screech at her, which I don't want to keep doing.. so, I have no problem saying to her, if you keep doing that I will smack you, & smacking her hand reasonably hard, as if I do it too gently she just says Do it again.
I am hoping she will start to notice that I will punish her when I say & it will be a deterrant. She has never been too naughty in past, or was too young to understand fully, so I am struggling with the best response, do not want to spend all day arguing with her.
A quick smack seems to stop her. I certainly don't want to hurt her, but need to get thru.
Doesn't seem unreasonable to me, it is infrequent, so far..

I use smacking as a last resort mostly although have recently found a new way to stop monsters from being naughty.
I tell them that if they don't do whatever it is I have asked them to do or not to do depending by the time I count backwards from5 then I will smack(for dd3) or punish(for ds 9).My son is at an age where I am trying to phase out smacking unless seriously last resort.My dd can't be sent to bed or punished in many other ways(though hates when I sit her on stool or stairs for a few mins.I think that though not smacking may work for a minority I have seen to many children taking advantage of their parents decision not to smack.My mother smacked me when young and I know I'd have been a nightmare otherwise.I have never resented her smacking me as a child.The only time I was mad was at 16 when she slapped my face for asking about something(she was in a mood with my brothers as they had been nightmares that day and I didn't know as was out)and I slapped her back as she went into hysterics and that was the only way to calm her.I don't agree with smacking teenagers as by this time there are better ways of dealing with them and punishment becomes more of a loss of priveleges thing.
I agree with doormat that it is not something I like doing but that sometimes it is the only thing left to do.

I do have to say that my stepdaughter is 12 and you could not meet a nicer, more polite or agreeable girl and she has never been smacked - ever. Ds is two and lovely. I can't agree that children who aren't smacked are nasty bits of work. That really isn't true IME.

Trouble is, dd is too much like me, lazy & stubborn (when not being lovely of course) & also very convinced of her own importance & omniscience, if I could spell it. At a stage where needs to be taught that actually, she can't always have her own way & expect everyone else to run around obeying her & tidying up after her.

It is difficult to know how to discipline & I'm hoping to find a workable solution, but like singingmum, think that due warning & a brief smack is fine, no big deal.

What I meant to say is, maybe Aloha, you have nicer genes in your family than mine!

sorry aloha didn't mean to upset anyone it's just that I've known a few kids that have never been smacked and they are rude.I know that it works for some and in many ways wish I could but son has ADHD and it was often the only way to make him realise that he'd been naughty.My dd is hypo and so most punishments don't work she just finds something to get on with and you have to catch her.Sorry again

I agree, aloha. I think my kids are pretty cool too and I don't hit them... I can't imagine a situation where it would be needed. They used to be too young to smack because they didn't know what they were doing and now they are too old to smack because you can hold a conversation with them, lay down the law if need be etc and they get it (eventually).

singingmum I dont agree with smacking teenagers but a few months ago my dd1 came home on leave and she got drunk with her sister. When she came home she was extremely abusive and started shouting the house down waking up all the children.This was 3.30am in the morning.
When I told her to shut up and got to bed and sleep it off she offered me outside, not once but numerous times. Dh was trying to get her up the stairs but she kept on coming at me so I put her on her arse.
Sorry if people dont like this but I am not having one of my children offering me outside, I put up with enough of this sort of shit out of ex h without one of my children starting.
I have advised her not to drink too much as she is a kick-off through drink.

I have a nearly 10 yr old ds who will not do as he is told at school at all.He has a discipline problem, the school have had specialists in testing for AdAH but he does not have this.
I feel sorry for him because all he seems to do is get grounded or treats (his football club privelege has now been taken away)all the time.
He will behave at home but not in school, I am at the end of my tether with him to be honest.

I'm not anti-smacking and I have smacked. Both at times I considered "correct" (i.e. when I was calm, completely unacceptable behaviour, plenty of warnings) and times when I was frazzled and (quite frankly) ran out of patience and imagination. It's a rare occurence.

However, as ds has hit his current stage, I've found other discipline techniques to be more effective with his personality and if he gets cross he tends to hit out, so we now have a rule that no-one hits anyone, not even mummys are allowed. I apologised to him only yesterday (that was a tired and lack of patience smack - first smack of any kind in many months, and was totally unacceptable - I told him that in my apology).

I'm not ruling out smacking for the future if circumstances change but I'm very much striving to using absolutely only as a last resort and when I'm completely calm. I know I'm not a perfect parent, hence the apologies to ds when I fail the grade (I expect him to apologise to me, so why shouldn't I to him if it's me who messes up?) I'm constantly trying to read up on other better parenting techniques.

So, I'm not anti smacking, but I do think that (for us) there are far more effective methods. I can already see from my experience with ds that it depends heavily on child's age and personality.

Doormat if my children did that I'd have done the same.I learnt from my grandmother the saying that no matter what age they are never old enough to abuse their parent and she has even smacked my uncle who is 15 yrs older than me and 6 ft+ tall.He laughs it off.
I know the end of tether feeling and often feel like I am fighting a losing battle with ds.He has not been officially diagnosed with ADHD but I know the symptoms from my brother who my son is almost a carbon copy of behaviourly so am lucky to have experience with this.My son is HEed and somedays has real tantrums(have become a lot less frequent know thanks to my brother talking to him and helping him)and now we have mostly peaceful life with a few defiant moments.The biggest prob is getting diagnosis of ADHD as most children with it will be overlooked or diagnosed as clear of it.Have found through research that the mother is the main one to notice prob as mainly tantrums aimed at her.Sorry this is off topic but felt it was a point I have to make.

Thanx singingmum but I still feel very guilty about doing that to dd1. I just slapped her and pushed her to get her out of my face.It was awful and never want that happening again.
As for my ds I hardly ever smack him or my other children for that matter, I would rather ground, send to bed take treats away.He has a real discipline problem in school.Any advice???

Doormat does he have any probs in school or is he bored?Some children act up at school because they are not challenged sometimes it's because they don't get on with the teacher and other times they are being bullied and when retalliate the teachers only see this and he gets into trouble and then thinks teacher doesn't like him.Could any of these be bothering him?

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Singingmum all his work is done to a good standard and his reding and spelling abilities are 2 yrs ahead. (I am not boasting here btw)I have suggested to the school that he could be bored and do with more stimulation.
He also acts like the class clown when he finishes or refuse to do his work because he finds it boring.He is also a bully and even when faced with adult witnesses he call them liars.
His behaviour is beyond me. As I said at home he is good, all dh and I have to do is sit down and talk to him (if he has been naughty)or a firm "right get to bed".
The last time he was smacked was when he tried to smash the glass doors in school last year.We were called to get him out for the safety of the other children.He is on one last chance in school.But TBH if it wasnt for dh and I co-operating with the school 100% he would be expelled.

It's odd isn't it.Most bright yet bored children do end up as the prob child or class clown or both.If he's that ahead maybe providing extra work at home might help as then he'd be getting the stimulation he seems to be needing.If the school could it would I think work out well if ,even if don't move class,they could give him some harder work.I know some schools do this.I had probs with my son in nursery and now teach him at home as I saw what was happening very early on.If he is excluded from school then He might be worth considering to help untill you find somewhere as could help another school see his ability or just as another option.There is more about this in the thread 'contacting mumsnet about an article' it's under the education subjects.Maybe a bribe ie if you behave at school this day/week then I'll take you to a museum/outing or some other treat might help.I use playstation time to encourage my son on a bad day.This normally works.Have to go dp is snoring and I think it may just be a hint that he wants to go to bed.Will look again in morn.Hope some of this helps.

I will reply on that thread.
Thanx singingmum

I smack - although sparingly, too.

Someone said that they don't approve of smacking generally and certainly not for small children because the child is too young to understand - but that's precisely why I have used it for my small daughter (15 months). She went through a phase, when she was over tired, of hitting me in the face (she thought it was a game). I tried saying 'no' but unfortunately she perceived this to be part of the game and would giggle and do it all the more. So I lightly slapped her face (very lightly I might add - we are not talking about hot red fingerprints on the cheeks stuff) - and she stopped. That's the only context I have had to use smacking in so far.

When she is older and has better developed communications skills I hope to be able to use other sanctions - but options like sending her to her room / withdrawing privileges etc are a bit meaningless to her at this stage!

Fortunately at the moment a firm 'no' does get her to immediately stop what she is doing - but then I think that's because I previously accompanied the word 'no' with a smack in the context I described above - and she remembers that.

My father smacked me - sometimes with little justification - well into my early teens. It was never forcefullly, however I hated and resented it because I found it humiliating. I wouldn't want to be doing this to my dd when she is older.