Oh, Bekki, I'm not sure I'm up to what you ask. I truly wish I was. I have such an easy life. Only one child fulltime and another at weekends. I think I do have 'easy' children with gentle temperaments. I really, really like children in general, and always have, but don't claim to have all the answers and this morning in particular I was so short tempered with ds that I had to go an get my dh up so he could deal with him because I wasn't being very nice or patient with him - and he wasn't being naughty or bad, just a bit persistent with wanting chocolate buttons, really. BUT if you really want me to say something, and this is very much from a deeply flawed person, then I would say, don't expect your ds1 not to be jealous - I say this because adjusting my expectations is the single key way I deal with my child, and I have read a lot about child development to try and make me understand how little he really understands and how underdeveloped his brain is etc etc and that has helped me personally with patience. He can't help being jealous - he has a rival for your love and to him, your love is life itself. In his baby mind he's engaged in a life or death struggle with this 'intruder' who might steal his mother - the person he loves more than anyone in the world - away from him. Imagine you were him, unable to understand that you can love two as well as one, afraid you will be cast out, secretly terrified about what will happen if you are. Of course, you can't let him hurt his brother It would be cruel to both of them to let that happen as your ds1 is a lovely boy and would feel guilty and bad if you did. Constant supervision is the only answer so you can step in to prevent trouble. Treat your ds2 as if he is in the same room as a deep pond or a roaring fire - he needs to be watched but the pond or the fire aren't 'bad' for being a potential source of harm. Give your ds1 a sense of importance, and don't tell him to love his brother, but tell him his sister loves him and loves him specially, even more than he loves mummy. This was pretty effective with my stepdaughter with all her new siblings (and I rather fear it is also true ) - IME children love to feel valued and special, even if it's by someone they resent. Show him how to help his little brother, but don't tell him he's a big boy and grown up, because they might reinforce his belief that he's being elbowed aside and that he won't be loved in the same way as before (of course, I know that isn't true, but I bet she fears it might be). Encourage your friends to coo over him, not the new baby. I'm always horrified when people beeline for new babies in front of older siblings. It must be gutting for them. Say how sorry you feel for poor little girls who are 'lonely onlies' - a tactic my friend used very effectively with her two girls to make them feel very superior that they had siblings! Of course children need boundaries, and I won't permit hitting or throwing things at people and am very encouraging of thank yous and hellos and goodbyes etc, but I try to notice good behaviour the minute I see it and give lots and lots of praise (ie you are being so gentle with your brother, good boy, I'm so proud of you etc etc ad nauseum) and ignoring bad - ie if he goes to attack the baby take him out of the room/away from the baby and ignore him. And also I think it helps to assume all phases, however nasty, are temporary, esp if tackled early. I bet Brooklyn was dead jealous of Romeo when he was born, but did you see the pix of them in the park together today? Brooklyn was picking up his baby brother and kissing him. I thought the pictures were just lovely. Made me want a brother for ds, even! I don't know if any of this helps at all. For me, trying to see things from ds's point of view is so helpful in controlling what can be a really nasty, explosive temper.
BTW Sofia, we don't agree politically or on this issue, but I do think sitting down every night to eat supper together as a family like you do is something I feel pretty guilty about not achieving esp as I don't even try because I love to slob in front of rubbish TV with a bottle of wine instead. I think eating together every night is a great thing to do, if that doesn't sound patronising. And bare feet and dirty clothes... hmm, that sounds familiar! MY MIL is quietly appalled.