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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Can someone 'have dibs' on a baby name

75 replies

YoMamma · 08/09/2013 10:27

What would you do if a close friend/family member (with no DCs and not yet pregnant) asked you not to use a baby name because it is their favourite name for when they have children? Would it make a difference if they were TTC and having difficulties?

OP posts:

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CatAmongThePigeons · 08/09/2013 10:29

It wouldn't make a difference, a name is not something that can be kept for one person only, on the off chance they even get the gender that they want!

MNHQ

OliviaMMumsnet · 08/09/2013 10:31

I had/have dibs on a certain girls' name and my DSIS has 3 DDS and didn't use it.
Possibly not because i had dibs on it but because maybe she's not keen - she never said.
I have had 2 boys thus far and may not actually go for it if we end up with a girl when I pop.
I think it would depend on the unusual-ness of the name, the closeness of our friendship.

JustBecauseICan · 08/09/2013 10:31

I would laugh and say "when you're pregnant you moron come back and try telling me that".

(unless it's one of those horrific invented names in which case let 'em have it)

catkind · 08/09/2013 10:32

I'd think they were pretty odd. I'd possibly back off the friendship tbh, I don't like being pushed around. It would probably put me off using the name anyway unless I reaaaaallly liked it, as it would have a sour taste.

scaevola · 08/09/2013 10:32

There are so many lovely names out there that I'd swerve it, unless it was a name that I'd always dreamed of using.

For unless you know that the person is a selfish pig, telling you this must have a considerable emotional resonance for them and that is something I'd want to ease, not compound.

CitizenOscar · 08/09/2013 10:36

Do you want to use the name?

If I really wanted to use a name I would, and tell them gently but firmly.

If I wasn't that bothered or had an alternative, I'd use that instead as they obviously feel more strongly about it. It matters to them & I wouldn't hurt them unnecessarily.

I would NEVER call dibs on a name but I guess I can imagine it could become something to hang on to if they're having trouble ttc.

DontmindifIdo · 08/09/2013 10:38

Do you want to use that name? In which case I'd either not mention it again and then use the name, pretrending to forget the conversation, or if they were the sort to get very upset at that, I'd say you are probably going to use the name as your DH has always loved that name (that doesn't need to be true, but it's a little white lie that answers their "I liked it first" argument)

Original poster

YoMamma · 08/09/2013 10:47

The first name is the name of my great-aunt who was also my godmother and looked after me a lot as a child. She died several years ago. I already have one DD and didn't use the name for her so it is fair to say that it wasn't my absolute favourite name.

The middle name is a flower name which we chose because DD1 has a flower name and we liked the idea of incorporating a flower into DD2's name.

DH and I had made the decision to use the names a couple of weeks ago after finding out the gender. I'm now 22 weeks so the decision coincided with feeling more kicks from baby so due to pregnancy hormones etc I now feel quite attached to it.

DH and I decided that we wouldn't reveal the name until the birth but MIL was asking questions the other night and we listed a few names that we liked including this name. Her face fell and she said that this was DSIL's favourite girl's name - first name AND middle name together. We had no idea. DSIL has been TTC for several years and recently had first cycle of IVF. The outcome of this is not yet known so it is a VERY sensitive time!!

OP posts:

CitizenOscar · 08/09/2013 11:48

So DSIL hasn't "called dibs" on the name, it's just their favourite name and MIL has told you.

Perhaps wait til you know the outcome of the IVF then broach the subject of names in a sensitive way? Just to see how she actually feels about it. It may be her favourite name but she might not mind you using it.

If she does mind, then I guess you need to think about how much it means to you, how much it would upset DSIL and if there are alternatives you could use instead.

Eg a different flower name as a first name (like Dd1) then your great-aunt's name as a middle name.

Personally, if it meant more to DSIL than it did to me, I'd think of a different name. It's early enough to think of another name you can become attached to.

On the other hand, if I were your SIL I'd also get over it if you did use the name. I just don't think baby names are worth falling out over.

But I'm not you or your SIL!

catkind · 08/09/2013 11:50

What a weird coincidence. Maybe give SIL a call - seeing as it wasn't her trying to dibs it - and say you are planning to use the name, MIL mentioned she liked it, how does she feel? (Or "just wanted to warn you" if you're not asking her opinion!) She may be just fine with it. Or are there any other flower-names you like that you could swap in and keep the family/godmother name that has personal meaning to you?

Madamecastafiore · 08/09/2013 11:51

I'd buy a dog and give it 'their' name.

Coconutty · 08/09/2013 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TakingThePea · 08/09/2013 12:03

I would still use it.

There is no guarantee your SIL will ever even have a girl so why 'waste' the name, and it had a personal meaning for you.

We did not tell anyone the name until the birth either!

Caip · 08/09/2013 12:29

If you're 22 wks you can afford to wait and see if her IVF has worked first and maybe then make a call.

I've just got pregnant from IVF and after nearly 4 years TTC and I have changed my favourite names so many tines, you might find mil doesn't even have up to date info anyway

StinkyElfCheese · 08/09/2013 13:08

I ALWAYS wanted a little boy called Alex.... we had a dd first SIL called one of hers Alex for a few days to piss me off I am sure then changed her mind to something else.
We went on to have DTs's so not only did I get my Alex I also got a spare :)

Years later I am still very annoyed :)

BarbaraWoodlouse · 08/09/2013 13:15

A spare Stinky? You called them both Alex?!

ItsaTIARA · 08/09/2013 13:22

I wouldn't. Imagine how she'd feel if she never had a child, watching your DD grow up with "her" DD's name?

curlew · 08/09/2013 13:29

Well, obviously you are within your rights to use whatever name you like.

But it would be kind not to use the name in the circumstances-as Tiara said.

mineofuselessinformation · 08/09/2013 13:35

Couldn't you swap the first and middle names around?

looki · 08/09/2013 13:49

Ignore any 'dibs', its ridiculous.

My sister called me constantly when I was pregnant with DD , it started with one name and then it became a list which got longer with every phone call. She doesn't have any children to date and its unlikely there will be any.

An old colleague fell out with her sister when her sister used a girls name that my colleague wanted since she was a child. My colleague's sister has two girls. My colleague has two boys. Neither are planning more children.

The only reason I wouldn't use a particular name chosen by somebody else would be if that person had lost a baby.

xalyssx · 08/09/2013 13:50

Is there an alternate spelling? or perhaps a shorter or longer version

looki · 08/09/2013 13:52

Ps or undergoing fertility treatment!

DontmindifIdo · 08/09/2013 13:53

I would suggest you therefore sound her out, start with saying "SIL, we've been thinking about naming our daughter after my great-aunt, she was my godmother as well, it's XXX, what do you think?" if you word it like that, spelling out clearly why its a name that means something to you, not just a nice name, then she might be fine with it.

I wouldn't say that MIL has already said it's SIL's favorite name. She might not say anything about liking the name herself - it might just be a name she likes, not that in love with. If I was asked my favorite girl's name I'd have said Persephone, but as DH hated it, DD is called something else I love, but not as much as Persephone. I was happy to let it go, although I can see other people get much more set on a name and can't compromise, worth finding out which your DSIL is before you give up the name.

OutragedFromLeeds · 08/09/2013 13:56

If I absolutely had my heart set on it I'd still use it but otherwise let them have dibs on it. It's just a nice thing to do.

WhoNickedMyName · 08/09/2013 13:58

Just use the name.

Your SIL may never have a girl - or even any children at all.

What if you pick another name and one of your friends "has dibs" on it? What if one of your DH friends wives "has dibs" on your third favourite name?

You could go on and on, it's ridiculous.

This is exactly why you shouldn't discuss names with anyone.

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