Please help with my decision - going round in circles.

[shiningsilver]

My DH and I cannot agree on a name for our DC so have decided not to go for a compromise name but instead decided that one of us will choose the first name and the other will get to pass on their surname (middle name sorted).

DH has left it to me to decide which one I want to choose and I just cannot decide despite thinking about almost nothing else for months. It's really important for me for DC to have my surname but at the same time, know that the first name DH will choose will not be one I love. How do I decide which is more important to me? It's got to the stage where I need your opinions and it may well be that MN helps me make the decision.

So, if given the choice of choosing DCs first name or giving him/her your surname, which would you choose and why?

Well I have a different surname to both my children (don't ask!). I really regret it with my DS because his dad and I were not together and I'd falen pregnant whilst we were dating. We had no intention of staying together so I planned for DS to have my name. Unfortunately in my post-childbirth stupor I agreed to let DS have his dad's surname.

Alhough DP and I are not married I know that we're in a lifelong committed relationship so I don't mind DD having his name. For me first names are most important because they're the ones they use everyday (plus XP wanted to call DS 'Paris' or 'Baueur' ). It is occasionally a bit annoying having a different surname to my children but for the most part it makes no difference. I love both my children's first names and I'm glad I got to choose them.

Good luck!

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes, obviously still in a post-childbirth stupor (2.5 years later!)

My DS has my son's surname but I get the final say on first names. For me, it's the first name that is most important because this is what I will call him day in and day out. I didn'r take my DH's name when we got married.

Tough one! I wouldn't mind which surname my children had, I am pickier about the first name so I would want to choose that. But then again, DH and I have very similar taste in names so I could choose surname safe in the knowledge that I would also like whatever first name he chose. It sounds as if you two have quite different taste, which makes it trickier.

FWIW I have my father's surname and I have never minded not sharing a surname with my mother. But it sounds as if the surname is really important to you. And you will get used to whatever first name he has, and over time I'm sure you will love it.

I think if it was me I'd have to agree on a first name before deciding about the other names. And if you have a change of mind re the surnames in years to come I don't think it would matter that much. But you need to get the first name right and one you both like.

I didn't much like my husbands surname but I just took it as that was more the custom when I got married. I could have kept my own name but my Dad said it might hurt DH's feelings. But I think the first name is the most important as that's your identity.

It doesn't sound like this agreement is working for you.

So, on that basis, I ask: how different are your tastes? Are you a Jane and John kind of person and he's a Britney and Hunter bloke? I can't imagine there not being some common ground between the two.

If you like names like Rosamund and he likes cute names like Lily and Ellie, surely Rosie would work (you can call her by her full name, him by her nickname).

1. Write a list of your favourite 5-10 names. Ask DP to do the same.

1. Each pick the names you like the best from each other's list.

1. You now have a shortlist of about 10 names - hopefully there will be one you both don't mind.

Or why not just give the baby your favourite name first, his favourite name second (plus the middle name you've already picked) and hypenate the surname?

I'm sure you've thought about this all before but it seems like instead of agonising over finding a name you both like, you're agonising over whether you should name her or he should and which surname she should have... It just seems like you've still got the problem (i.e. that you can't agree) and no closer to finding a solution.

Good luck coming up with something that works for you - wishing you all the best.

Couldn't have put it better myself Stellan.

OP go back to DH and say this agreement isn't going to work. Start again as above.

The problem is that if you decide the agreement isn't working, who gets to pass on their surname?

Maybe the solution is that to be equitable neither you or DH get to pass on your surname in full. You could:

Hyphenate
or
Change both your surnames by deed poll to one that incorprates part of each then baby can have the new name on birth cert. (that's what we did)
or
Change by deed poll to a completely new name that you both like maybe one that incorporates part of each of your Mum's maiden names or the name of the place where you met or somewhere you really enjoy visiting

One way or another Op you are agonising over a decision and it seems the real issue here is about surnames not first names. This needs sorting or you'll be in the same position again if/when you have another child.

I agree with Stellan, and a double-barrelled surname is the way to go to avoid the problem that Soup mentioned.

FWIW, I'd hate to have a name that I wasn't so keen on just to give my baby my surname. Likewise, a forename chosen by me in the absence of my surname wouldn't thrill me either.

You need another arrangement.

Say your surname was 'Parker' and his surname was 'Alexander' you could name your child 'Alex Parker' but this would only work if you both had surnames that sounded like normal names. Like it couldn't work if one was 'Greendale' & one was 'Houghton' it just wouldn't work.

Or for a girl;
Surnames: Carter & Johnson = Carter Johnson... Just a suggestion, feel free to ignore it.