Does this sound like postnatal depression nearly a year after birth?

[ZestyLime]

Does this sound like postnatal depression?
My baby is nearly one. I had a very difficult birth and I didn't stop crying about BB it for weeks and having flashbacks and can still upset me thinking about it. Around 3 months after the birth I felt physically much better but since then I've felt mentally worse and worse. I have feelings of my baby not loving/liking me, like I could be anyone and he wouldn't care. I don't feel like I'm good enough for him and don't like myself. I think everyone hates me. I'm not the wife I want to be because I can be snappy so I feel like I'm letting my husband down too. I feel like I'm letting everyone down basically and a burden to the world and I think about driving my car into the canal or things like that. I know I would never do it and then I feel even more guilty for having the thoughts. I sob sometimes when I'm my own with my baby or whilst I get a bit of time to myself in another room, like whilst I'm making dinner, whilst my husband watches our baby. I have told my husband how I've felt. He assures me no one hates me and I'm a good mum. I just found tonight really got on top of me after we'd been out to a party and I felt really alone in a room full of people.
I feel so guilty sobbing tonight whilst my little one was standing up me and then he knocked my glasses off my head and bit my face and it sounds daft but I just felt so worthless like I deserved it. I'm not the mum I want to be.
I think I should go to the GP but worried as my little one is almost one in a week I'm not sure what they will treat as/do? And I'm struggling with the thought of telling someone else as I don't think I'll be able to get the words out. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Oh OP 🩷 yes it sounds like post natal depression. Please see your GP and investigate meds and counselling.

Thank you for your reply. Can it be if you also have periods where you can laugh and feel happy? Tonight and other periods I couldn't feel happy if I tried but other times I do find some joy

Yes and yes.

Can you speak with your Health Visitor? Mine always kept telling me it can appear until the baby is aged 1 and sounds like you have felt this way for a while. Well done for being so brave. X

Thank you. I guess I know I could speak to them. I just can't get the words out. Almost like I don't want to make them real outside of my house

Yes - mine only occured at 9-12 months each time. It was also linked to breastfeeding. Got better when I stopped.

Yes please do reach out for help, that description of feeling of being alone in a room full of people really resonates. Like no one gets what you are going through and it feels like it will never end…….. it does get better with time. It’s like you are grieving your old life. There’s a weird taboo about speaking about it. Lot of fear and shame underlying it. Please speak to your GP about support and possible medication if you want it, they deal with all kinds of problems and will be happy to listen to what you have to say.

I'm sorry to hear that

I didn't breastfeed although it was my plan but it didn't work out that way which I sometimes beat myself up for.

I’m so sorry you feel like this. Yes I would definitely say it sounds like postnatal depression. Please don’t worry about whether it “counts” after being a year - whatever it’s called you’re really struggling and feeling unwell and you don’t have to feel like this, there is help out there. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re brave for thinking about getting support.

I don’t know much about PTSD but with the flashbacks it sounds a bit like this too after your difficult birth. Have you asked the hospital if you can talk through your notes with someone so you can understand what happened? Would that help at all?

Please do go to the GP and tell them all this. If you’re struggling to know how to say it all, could you write it down (or bullet points) so when you get there you can just read it out or even hand your phone over? It also means if you get flustered and freeze you won’t forget anything you wanted to say.

Do you have money available to see a therapist privately? Your GP should be able to put you on a waiting list but these can be very long.

I have a nearly one year old too and felt like this on and off for the first few months. It’s such a huge change in your life and with all the hormones it’s so normal to find it very difficult especially with a traumatic birth too. I’ve definitely read other threads on here from mums with PND whose babies were the same age as yours, I don’t think it’s uncommon so you’re definitely not alone in this

Do you have any mum friends, did you do NCT?

Thank you for your reply ❤️. I did ask the hospital for this twice but it never surfaced.

I think these responses are what I needed to hear so I could know I wasn't just being dramatic. I have this fear people will just think I'm seeking attention. I will rind the GP Monday and make some notes on my phone today.

I did think about private therapy, I have had it in the past and with the help of my therapist we got past a lot of previous issues (abuse when I was young) I thought needing her again might look like I'd failed. I didn't want to disappoint her. I know now this is just on my head.

I didn't do NCT. I've been to the odd baby group but always left feeling worse. Like everyone was doing so much better than I was and their babies loved them more kind of thing. I have one mum friend but she doesn't drive, I do go down to her about once a month. We do speak via message most days though but I don't want to burden her too much as she's got a one year old too. I'm also too ashamed to tell her how a I really feel. I don't think she's having the same dark thoughts about her baby. Her baby is also more interactive with her so I come away feeling worse and that my baby is like this because of me and what I am

You are the most important person in your little one’s life and will be for a long time yet - banish thoughts that you are unimportant to him x
Definitely go to the GP, but you might find opening up to others helps too. Most people are struggling with something.