Dark thoughts about hurting baby

[CleanFreak123]

My anxiety is through the roof. It having daily panic attacks and I'm a horrible person to be around. I was diagnosed with PND when DD was 2 weeks old (she is now 13 weeks old). She had terrible Colic, but that is clearing up but I'm still struggling. I was diagnosed anti depressants but they did nothing at all in fact they made my panic attacks worse.
I was having good and bad days but this week has been awful, every day is terrible. I literally shouted at my baby so loud today it shocked her and she went silent. I was so so very upset and I still am. I feel like I'm being much more heavy handed with her when I'm angry, like shoving her down rather than being so gentle like I used to be.
The thoughts I'm having are awful. I'm horrible to my partner and I generally hate life. I don't know what to do. I'm worried if I go to gp she will contact my useless health visitor again or worse the social and have baby taken away so I don't hurt her.
I do not know what to do and I've really had enough.

Heya, I'm so sorry you're in this place, I did a Google for pnd support and found this:
www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/support-groups-local/ Maybe contact them and see if they have any advice? I would contact your GP though, or your local mental health clinic. If social services do get involved, it would be with the aim of supporting you I'd imagine. Sorry I'm not much help but didn't want to read and not reply xx

Sorry to read this - it sounds like things have been horrendous for you.
Please don't be worried about seeking help. Women go through this and it is no ones fault, you will not be judged and if social services do get involved it should only be in a supportive way.
Don't feel guilty - the anger and frustration you're experiencing is a symptom of post natal depression and a sign that you need a bit of help. Once you get some help you will be in a much better position to be a better mumma and enjoy your baby rather than simply 'get by'.
You don't have to cope alone xxx

You definitely need to seek more support, for both your and baby's sake. What does your partner say? It can get better x

Are you having these thoughts all the time or are they moments of stress? If it's when baby is crying and you are getting stressed and worked up, put them down somewhere safe and go to a different part of the house to calm down - where you can't hear them. Letting them cry for a short while is preferable to you losing it and unintentionally harming.

If you are really struggling all the time then you need help and support. You need to talk to someone professional about feeling depressed so you can get support. Are there any family members nearby that can help you out a bit more when you're home alone? Even if it's just a bit of adult company or a turn of settling little one?

Also can I ask which antidepressants? None of them work instantaneously - they usually take a couple of weeks to start to notice a difference and it may be that you need to try a couple of different types before you find one that works for you. Don't just stop taking them because they didn't seem to make a difference - go back to your gp and get them to change the dose or try a different type x x

Oh poor you I have been there with thoughts of hurting my child, it is terrible. In my case I did speak to the GP and my HV, I got loads of help, no referral to social services and not a whisper of DD being taken away.
I did get referred to a special unit as an outpatient that also had mothers with mental health issues as inpatients with their babies and the inpatient mums I saw there were in a terrible way, not even speaking to the babies, and they still had the babies with them.
So, don't worry. Noone is taking your baby away. Please go back to your gp as it sounds like your antidepressants aren't working for you and they can find something better. And please take all the help you can get from your HV. Also your local branch of the charity Mind may have some PND groups you could go to or someone who can come round for a chat.
You will get through this and you will be ok. Does your partner know how you are feeling? Please talk to him and maybe your parents. They will want to help.
Keep posting

How are you today op?