Emotionally numb towards much loved son

[N1982]

Hi all, I have contacted HV and GP already so am only looking for personal experiences please. I had depression with 1st pregnancy. Second baby wanted but pg has come sooner than planned. Am absolutely exhausted, v depressed and feel a bit numb towards the son I've always adored. I feel broken and confused. Please can anyone help?

Hi N1982, from what you say I am assuming that you are now in the first trimester? The hormones kicking in make this the typical time for an overwhelming fatigue for many of us. Your brain has taken command and the pregnancy is its priority! Do go easy on yourself and try to go with the flow, and do not fret one bit about your DS - that will sort itself out. I am glad that you have sought help promptly - though taking any drugs in the first trimester is a no-no. I was taught Mindfulness when I eventually had psychotherapy for my depression and it is a very useful technique. There are some good books on it - Goldie Hawn the actress has written some from a mother's perspective. All the very best!

Thanks cdwales. I am waiting to see community mental health team. I have felt this 'numbness' with some moments of clarity for over a week now and it's soul destroying. I wish I could see an end to this x

How many weeks are you? In my first trimester with number two my relationship with DS1 (aged 2.6 at the time) went completley down the pan - I was in a constant rage, exhausted, felt like I didn't love him anymore, etc. It was a horrible, horrible period for both of it but it passed by the time we got to second trimester and now (at 23+4) I'm so in love with him again I just smile whenever I think of him. Put it down to hormones, tiredness, etc. Pregnancy sucks.

Hi Atticus thank you for this I only saw it now. I am 11 weeks and still struggling so much. Did you feel you couldn't get in touch with your love for your child? Sort of numb?

Absolutely. Felt numb and furious at toddler AND bump! Around week 9 to 14 or so was the worst, as i recall. I was so fed up and out of love i thought about aborting number two because i was obviously such a shit mum. It's the only time I've ever smacked him. But i assure you it is a hormonal phase and will pass. I've heard of this with other people too - i think the physical exhaustion of first trimester and feeling generally crap makes it hard to feel kindly towards anyone who is making denands on you and toddlers certainly know how to be demanding! It will be awful for a while and then suddenly will pass and when dc1 starts kissing your bump and stroking it you'll be so overwhelmed with love for both of them that you won't know where to start! Hang in there and just try toget rest, and get others to look after your son as much as ppossible until you are yourself again.

Hi N1982,
My situation is a bit different from yours as I've got a 4 month old son and I'm definitely not pregnant again (!), but I do know what you mean. I have PND and I feel numb towards my son a lot of the time. I know that I love him but the PND makes me emotionally disconnected, even from him.

I try to focus on the ways that I'm showing that I love him, the actions. I feed him, care for him & am always there for him when he needs me. I bet you do the same for your son, that you are showing your love for him in so many ways every day.

Sorry you are struggling so much, really hope things improve for you soon.

Thank you so much both for these messages it helps so much to hear your experiences. I've really struggled to find similar experiences online and it made me feel so alone so thank you x

Hey - you are definitely not alone. And it definitely will get better. I think this is a very common thing but most people probably don't talk about it because it feels so shameful. I have no scientific background but I think there must be something evolutionary about it. When you had DS1 you suddenly changed all your priorities so your focus in life was him, and protecting him. No doubt you would go under a bus for him. Now he's a bit older, and you are pregnant, and your body is telling you that you need to focus on someone else now (the Bump). DS1 presumably is weaned and in biological terms could live without you, but the Bump can't. I think the hormones of pregnancy make you shut out everyone else so you can give everything you've got to the new baby. It's just my theory, but it makes sense to me.
You will totally get back your feelings for DS1. I don't know when exactly and it could be a little while, but it will happen. in the meantime, try not to beat yourself up over it, and get family/friends to babysit him if you can so you get a break and can come back to him feeling refreshed. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Good luck. (If you can be bothered, it would be great if you post on here again when you are feeling better so that anyone googling the same problem in future will see that there really is hope!).

Thanks Atticus I definitely think it's to do with the pregnancy as this started just after I found out I was pregnant. Also had midwife appointment this morning and she agreed. I will certainly post again when I feel better. Just pray that's sooner rather than later!!

13 weeks now and still struggling. Any kind words appreciated, I just feel rubbish x

What did your MW say? Can she or your GP refer to specialist MH services? In my area they have a service specifically for pregnant women. Are you getting any practical help so you can rest: a cleaner, your toddler with a child minder or nursery? What is your OH's response?

GP has put me on citalopram. MW didn't add much but is lovely and there if I need support. My mum and hubbie have been great helping with toddler

It's probably hormonal. Though that doesn't make it any less real or hard! I had similar and remember trying to toilet train DS1 and getting really cross when he couldn't do it! I was much better from about 4-7 months, then the anxiety went through the roof and I was referred to psychology. Ds2 arrived a month early and PND kicked in, and anxiety continued unabated. 6 months of sertraline (and a proper diagnosis and treatment for DS2's reflux) and I was virtually back to normal. I had a difficult year, as did DS1. Having him in nursery every morning really helped.

Just wanted to add some sympathy. I'm in the third trimester with DC3 and the past week or 2 have been feeling a mixture of exhausted, numb, patience paper thin and flying into a rage at my other 2 DCs if they play up. I had depression after DC2 and I'm worried about it coming back this time. I hate feeling like this. I never spoke to anyone medical about depression last time as I knew it was more to do with circumstances that had tipped me over but I have promised myself I'll take action this time if those horrible feelings of numbness, heaviness, loneliness, dread, anger etc come back.
I hope the medication helps. It would be interesting to know how it helps you. I sort of feel like I should ultimately go on it if it means I do a better job of parenting my much wanted and loved DCs because I feel very guilty about how angry they make me feel a lot of the time - they are only children after all and I seem to have lost any semblance of a sense of humour or enthusiasm.

Thanks both. I have noticed some change on citalopram but will report back here as I improve x

Citalopram etc obviously takes a while to really kick in so don't despair if results aren't immediate. With or without the pills you will feel better and back to normal in a while. Every crappy day is a day closer to that time so hold on in there. It's such a horrible way to feel but it will pass, just like morning sickness and all the rest of that crap.

Thanks Atticus I pray it passes soon. It really is horrid x