Lovely i could not read & run. Some wise MN'ers will be along soon.

Til then have a big unMN hug, things will get better however daunting & scary they seem now x

Hope you're ok op x

Hi miss, so sorry to hear things are feeling so awful. Are the antid's working for you do you think? I wonder whether a trip to the gp might be a good idea. You've got such a lot on your plate/mind and very little in the way of reserves to deal with it. Just take things an hour at a time. Sending you lots of support and strength x

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. You are not on your own and there is definitely a way back from this.

I suffered with depression my entire life up until I had my first child 4 years ago. The year before I'd been self harming, wouldn't leave the house, taken an overdose... you get the picture. I'm a really positive person now, I feel a lot better, and I feel like I can deal with anything.

You should take advantage of all the help you can get, but also make sure you understand that your mind is your own. Only YOU can control your self talk. The cbt to will help you with this, but don't wait for your appointment to come through to start feeling better, start now. Please - and I can not stress this enough - BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

It seems really simple and it is, but it can transform your entire life. Try this exercise: Imagine coming across a woman on the side of the road quietly sobbing. You sit down beside her and ask her what is wrong. She answers "[insert your current negative thought]". What do you tell her?

Tell it to yourself. You don't deserve any less care than any other human being. Example: I might have said "my husband could have had sex with me, but he's gone to sleep instead, that's because I have x,y and z wrong with my body, I'm disgusting, I bet he didn't reject his ex wife - cue lots of damaging images of hubby initiating sex with ex wife - what am I going to do? I can't change all of these things... god, what about that time when I felt really confident having sex with him, what an idiot! I've humiliated myself... I bet he was cringing. Why is he punishing me like this anyway. If he loved me he would pretend to be attracted to me so that I wouldn't feel like this... he doesn't love me. Why would he, my own mother doesn't, I'm inherently unlovable... etc...etc...I wish I could escape from this...I wish I was dead"

Never in a million years would I say all of this utter garbage to another woman. I might say: he has gone to sleep simply because he's TIRED! You are beautiful, tell me about the person who hasn't got flaws. And if he has a problem with them that's his problem not yours. He isn't perfect either. If your mother didn't love her own child that that is incredibly sad, but totally a deficit in her, not you etc. I would not say: Yes, you are disgusting, you should be dead!

At first it took me a while to get the hang of it. Now I just knock back those negative thoughts the second they enter my head (which could be a hundred times a day - but what is a hundred seconds of concentration compared to a whole day of rumination?). Hey that rhymed :-)

I've got to go upstairs now, but please send me a message if you want to talk and I'll check back tomorrow.

Xx

I just wanted to say what a good idea about talking to yourself and the getting rid of the negative thoughts straight away.