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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

Talking about PND... Do you tell people?

18 replies

Gingerbreadlatte · 08/05/2013 22:29

Hi
I've finally come to realise that I've had PND since dd2 was born 6 mths ago. I'm still not great but getting help now. I haven't told anyone. Have hidden it well from everyone even Dh.

I've been v low profile with friends because of it. I just can't cope with making and following through on arrangements at the moment. One friend in particular I know I've been weird with. Should I fess up? She isn't the kind of friend that I'd share a lot of stuff with but I know she'd be kind if she knew.

Does everyone know about your PND?

OP posts:

Roopoo · 08/05/2013 22:32

Ive suffered PND after the birth of both my DC.
I have been really open with people. It's knocked me for six in so many ways that I needed people to understand.
I find PND isolating which is rubbish as you need people there for you.

OddSockMonster · 08/05/2013 22:38

A view from the flip side of it - a friend recently told me she gets very bad depression from time to time (work related rather than PND) and I'm really glad she said. She knows I'm there for her, and I think it helps her being open about it.

Original poster

Gingerbreadlatte · 09/05/2013 08:00

Thanks. Will give it some thought. It's hard to suddenly tell people when things have appeared ok for the last few months (maybe it hasn't)

Does anyone else have a view. ?

OP posts:

saycheeeeeese · 09/05/2013 08:10

I tell people, even now a year later and im in a great place I still tell people I had it, that I went through hell for the first year of DDs life, that I still have scars.

I think it's important that people know especially women who don't have kids yet because it will make it easier for them to read the signs of having it themselves in future.

stella1w · 09/05/2013 08:15

I told people because otherwise they just thought i was weird/unfriendly. True friends will understand and help.

Original poster

Gingerbreadlatte · 09/05/2013 08:17

What if people are not understanding? Worried I will get treated oddly as a result.

OP posts:

saycheeeeeese · 09/05/2013 08:23

You won't in fact you'll be surprised at the amount of people who admit to having had it too!

It's an illness and nothing to feel ashamed about, if you had pneumonia or some other physical illness you wouldn't think twice about telling people so look at it like that!

Original poster

Gingerbreadlatte · 09/05/2013 08:33

Thx. I guess I am ashamed... I've got a beautiful baby and older dd. I should be just getting on with it.

This particular friend is known for going silent on difficult matters. An worried she will do this if I tell her.

OP posts:

Roopoo · 09/05/2013 09:11

Sorry another reason I told people was that although I thought I was behaving in a sane and normal way I wasn't and by telling people they could understand why my personality had changed.

Another reason Im very open about it. I was really ill and came close to doing some terrible things. I was in total denial the first time and figured I needed to man up. If my experiences help any other new mums then Im happy to share as if someone had told me they had similar feelings I wouldn't have felt so alone.

Sorry I replied last night but had a couple more ramblings to add

saycheeeeeese · 09/05/2013 09:12

Awh I know how you feel, I would just say tgat you're sorry you've been a bit off lately but you've had PND but things are starting to look up now it's been diagnosed, then leave it at that and offer her a cuppa :o she can mull over it and if she wants yo talk about it more she can!

Original poster

Gingerbreadlatte · 09/05/2013 09:19

Thank you everyone. It's a relief to talk about it here.

The other key person I have discussed it with is my husband. He doesn't buy into depression or stuff like that (a whole other thread!). Suppose I should broach it with him....

OP posts:

sparkle101 · 09/05/2013 09:34

I had pnd. My husband has been very dismissive of depression in the past because I just kind of got on with it but with the pnd he was amazing. Came with me to appointments, picked up the slack and it helps him to see signs and to understand things that happened in the past.

I have told all my friends about my pnd and some of my work colleagues. It's nothing to be ashamed of and I think the fact I talk about it means if any of them suffer with anything in the future they'll know they're not alone and don't have to be embarrassed.

I am 26 wks with dc2 and nervous about what the future holds but with my close friends and family knowing there's more people to spot if its all going wrong!

Original poster

Gingerbreadlatte · 09/05/2013 15:36

I'm afraid that if I tell him he will want to fix it his way (ie send dd1 to nursery full time again whilst on mat leave, give dd2 formula so I can stop feeding - I really don't want to stop bFing) and not just support me/ ask me what I want him to do.

OP posts:

sparkle101 · 09/05/2013 16:57

That is exactly what I thought. Men always seem to look for the easiest way to fix things so it doesn't upset the status quo!

I would assume you are close enough you can state exactly what it is you want from him and what you don't want. You're a partnership and he needs to listen to what you say, and I'm sure he will. Dh surprised me and had enough faith in me that I knew what I was doing.

OddSockMonster · 09/05/2013 19:59

Hope you're able to talk to him Ginger. How about you tell him and at the same time hand him some useful leaflets from the HV or leave some useful websites open (not sure which ones but I assume there must be some out there).

And let him know how you'd like to be a happy mum, and how he can help with that. Maybe work that bit out beforehand, with some practical suggestions if that's what he'd be likely to want to do.

Waferthinmint · 03/06/2013 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

savemesomewine · 03/07/2013 22:06

Pretty much the same as what other people are saying but just to add that my husband & I were pretty upfront with telling people because it took the pressure off (when you are ill, you don't need any more pressure!). Once we started talking about it we found out that 2 of our close friends had been treated for PND, 3 said that they wish they had gone to their GP rather than struggling, and 2 of DP's male friends were also on medication for depression because of work. Everyone at the time said that they were relieved to be able to talk about it So I wouldn't say that you should introduce yourself to people with 'Hi I'm gingerbreadlatte, I have PND, isn't the weather lovely' but if it comes up in convo with good friends, then just remember that that's what they are - good friends - and from experience, you'll get lots of love & support.

evelynj · 03/07/2013 22:31

I would urge you to talk about it maybe starting with the person you would find it easiest to talk to-I have less close friends that it's easier to talk about some stuff with.

As pp have said it is an illness and nothing to be ashamed about-it may be adding to your anxiety by keeping it secret & you may find support in some unlikely places, although it is true that some people may not know how to react, most likely this would be through ignorance of what to say as a society we don't discuss depression/mental health issues openly enough, even though almost all of us will be touched by it at some time in our lives.

Draw strength from the more well informed MNers on here & it may help you to 'practise' what to say to people on here first-what cheese said was good so you can mention it and then allow time for you to recove if you'll find it hard and also for your friend to think about it before responding.

Your dh is likely to have a big impact on how you cope so as others have said, make sure he's aware of this & try to keep communicating. I'll be thinking of you......

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