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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
fanjobanjowanjo · 27/09/2011 15:32

You need to go to the doctor, there's nothing else you can do.

TopazMortmain · 27/09/2011 15:32

You are not a failure! Repeat! This is a biochemical reaction to a physical event and not YOU. Trust me. It can and will be OK. Who can you talk to in RL - you need support ASAP.

TheControversialJessie · 27/09/2011 15:34

Having PND doesn't make you a failure! You don't have to cover it up!

Pregnancy and childbirth mess with your hormones. You've got PND. I threw up constantly. Neither of us are failures. Please go to the doctor.

suiledonn1 · 27/09/2011 15:35

Please go to the doctor. I was in your position 5 years ago and I didn't get any help. I struggled until dd1 was 18 months old. In the end the worst of the depression had passed by then but I had terrible, life-ruining anxiety all the time. I went to counselling when my behaviour freaked out a friend so much she made an appointment for me. It was wonderful to talk to someone who understood and didn't judge. A weight lifted off me after the first session .

Your family will not be better off without you. You are not an 'awfulmumshithead', you are sad and scared and need help and support and love and understanding.

Please talk to your DH or mum or friend or anyone who will listen.

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 15:35

Would you go to the doctor if you had a broken leg? Would you think it a bit odd if someone did have a broken leg and they were refusing to go to the doctor's? Because it's the same thing.

Go to the GP - why would you not take medication that would help you feel better? ( IF that's what the prescribe)

Ring NOW and make the appt x

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:35

I just can't go to the doctor. I can't make an appointment and I can't make myself go. I can't have that conversation with anyone. I can't get a prescription from the chemist and I can't take the tablets.

I'm really frightened

OP posts:
ToothlesstheDragon · 27/09/2011 15:36

you are not a failure! please believe me. I suffered so much with pnd with my DS. I refused to go to the drs. I thought i would be found out, that i was an awful mother and my ds would be taken into care. I wouldn't let anyone bar me and dh near him. Thought about running away and killing myself. I felt exactly how you did. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

PND is actually very very common, but does need to be treated. You will not be thought of as a failure. You will be helped. You will wake up one day and everything will be fine, but you do need to go to the doctor, or speak to your health visitor. Or anyone.

I did, I cried, and I accepted that I was a good mum. I did everything my ds basically needed even though i was breaking inside. I went on Anti Depressants and started Cognitive Bahavioural Therapy. I have passed the hell that was pnd and i now have a very happy healthy 3 year old and a 7 month old daughter, who i can ENJOY. With PND everything was grey and emotionless. there was no joy.

Please Please Please go to the drs, or speak to someone. You will get better. This is just an illness. Treat it like you would any other illness. Speak to someone, get help and get on the road to recovery.

Others will come here with more advice. Please take it on board.

I went to the dr because i felt like a failure, i was ill. If i didn't go to the dr i would have failed at making my life and by osmosis my sons happier.

AKMD · 27/09/2011 15:37

I had PND and nearly died from that illness. Go to the doctor or ring your health visitor, whichever you prefer, or ask your DH to ring your HV for you. You do not need to feel like this and your children certainly need their mum.

TheControversialJessie · 27/09/2011 15:37

Tell us how you feel. Then, make that appointment, and bring along a print-out of what you've typed here to the doctor. Show him or her what you've written about what you're feeling.

suiledonn1 · 27/09/2011 15:38

Ask your DH to do it. Get him to ring and make the appointment. If you can't speak the words write them down and hand them to the doctor.

There is NO SHAME in this. You are ill and you need help.

TherapeuticVino · 27/09/2011 15:38

OK, you need to stop and breathe.

You have to go to the doctor. You know that. It's nothing to do with "success" or "failure". It's a chemical imbalance, and it's not going to get better without help.

Your family need you, and they need you to be yourself again. Not perfect, just you.

Every day you put it off is a day when you could be feeling happy again - it's such a waste of time NOT to get help!

Take your husband with you, let him do the talking if you need to and get yourself sorted. I promise you you will not regret it.

(I had terrible PND and am on anti-ds. I am a happy, accomplished person enjoying my life and my family and not so long ago I thought that was impossible - being Jekyl and Hyde day after day was exhausting. I know how you are feeling believe me)

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 15:38

Well, what is the alternative? Seriously, make the appt. You don't want to kill yourself - you want HELP, and the only person who can help is the doctor.

Do you have a dh/partner?

TheControversialJessie · 27/09/2011 15:42

I'm going to have to log off soon, but please listen.

You've just been unlucky enough to have one of the numerous side-effects that can occur during pregnancy and childbirth. I don't feel ashamed of any of the ones I developed during pregnancy, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of developing PND.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:45

I can feel myself going blank and apathetic again.

Spent all morning thinking I could turn my life around. Then I realised i'd lost one of my sons toys. I tore the room apart looking for it and SCREAMED at my baby every time he crawled near me. I called my husband to ask where he had hidden it and if he had done it deliberately to send me insane. Then I burst into tears and picked my baby up and sobbed into his shoulder. Then I typed this and i'm lying on the floor crying. I can feel that I'm going empty again.

I'm not even just sad, i'm going insane.

There are too many obstacles in the way of taking AD's. My mil asked me if I had PND the other day and I just laughed her off but really I'm so furious she asked me that I can't speak to her. But I know I have got it

OP posts:
FannyPriceless · 27/09/2011 15:45

You are not a failure! This is one of those situations where you can blame circumstances outside your control. And believe me, it is a huge relief when you realise that.

It is NOT you - it's the damn chemicals in your brain.

I honestly thought I was useless for months. I could see that I wasn't coping with the most basic parental tasks, and it seemed everyone else was.

Then I accepted the fact that I had PND, started taking the pills, and OH MY GOD it was like a free ticket to normal land!!

It is so much better over this side. Please, please come on over.

Would it be easier to contact a health visitor first if you don't want to go to the doctor? My HV (who I didn't even like or know very well) came over almost immediately when I phoned. I am so glad I did it.

fedupandtired · 27/09/2011 15:46

You won't go to the doctors.

It's really difficult to help someone who won't help themselves.

How do you want to be helped?

WomansWeekly · 27/09/2011 15:47

you say what you wont do - what are you prepared to do to help yourself?

you have two choices,

a) carry on like you are now
b) get help

thats it.

saladsandwich · 27/09/2011 15:47

if you really really really can't ring the doctor ring the health visitor... it was the midwife who made me a gp appointment because at the time i wouldnt have rung. i'm glad she did make that call and i didn't take any tablets tablets are your choice... you need to speak to someone

fanjobanjowanjo · 27/09/2011 15:48

It isn't you, you aren't a failure at all, a huge amount of mums go through PND, don't ignore it. Seeking treatment is not the sign of a failure, it's the sign of a winner.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:49

Yes I feel like jekyl and hyde but I can't convince the unwell side of me to get help. I would like my husband to call the doctor for me but I can't tell him to.

I know I sound mental. I know I should get help but I just can't do it

OP posts:
CaptainNancy · 27/09/2011 15:50

This is not your fault- it is an illness.
DO you have a friend who could help, or could you see your HV at all?
PND is normal, and many many women have it.
You are not an awful mum or a shit head either.

WomansWeekly · 27/09/2011 15:53

I know I should get help but I just can't do it

well until you can, there is no answer for you sadly. Have a think about doing it for the well being of your child. He doesnt deserve to be shouted and screamed at for no reason. Im sure your husband doesnt deserve it either. Maybe you could get help on their behalf

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 15:53

*You won't go to the doctors.

It's really difficult to help someone who won't help themselves.

How do you want to be helped?*

I agree, there are 2 choices, carry on or get worse or seek help and get better.

That may sound harsh but you DO have to help yourself at some point. Please ring the doctor :)

TherapeuticVino · 27/09/2011 15:55

My husband told me that he used to dread opening the door at the end of the day as he didn't know who he was going to find - happy wife, sad wife, screaming wife, silent enraged wife. Not a bundle of laughs for him but it was worse for me - you know that you can't control this on your own. you are NOT insane, you have a very simple imbalance with a very simple treatment.

your husband knows that you are ill. Please ask him to make the call.

PS I could have written your post a few years ago. Please pm me if you want some support.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:55

I've posted this in aibu because I want someone to tell me I'm a fucking idiot. I can't nicey it up. I am a fucking idiot.

I know, it's ridiculous. The same thing that makes me need to call the doctor is stopping me from telling anyone what a mess I'm in. What if they come to take my baby away? What if they did?

I lost my last baby. I hate myself even more because I was supposed to make up for him dying by being a better mum now. Only I couldn't cope with the pressure of it and I can't even make a piece of toast. I can't eat or see any of my friends.

OP posts: