I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

[awfulmumshithead]

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

I know...I know.

I look at my dc and wonder if I am doing a good enough job - dont we all? - but the most basic question now for me is; "Are the kids ok?" and if the answer is yes its a good day x

oh, and the "perfect mum" at the baby group who had me in tears so often I stopped going...

"oh, is ds1 not sitting up yet?" er, no. Didnt sit up unaided til he was nearly 10 months

"Isnt he sleeping through the night yet?" er, no. (still doesnt!!)

"Isnt he weaned yet?" er, no. Waiting til he is ready
etc etc etc

She had the perfect life and, natch, the prefect child. She made me feel worthless and useless and delighted in pointing out what her ds could do that my ds1 couldnt (my ds has SN).

Cue 6 years later and going to baby group with ds2. Overheard this same woman telling all and sundry how "hard" her baby had been...didnt sleep, didnt eat Some people make themselves feel better by making others feel small. Sad, but true

Yay! You came back :).

Sounds like you're doing so much better, which is fantastic. Baby steps, but that's to be expected. Give yourself time.

We started with BLW with DS, but tbh with the teething/general lack of interest in food sometimes, I developed an approach that if he didn't eat the BLW-style meal I would offer him one of the Plum baby savoury tubs that I stashed in the cupboard followed by one of their fruit pouches (to be sucked from the packet, naturally, we were BLWing after all). I think I may also have let him have bread sticks/rice cakes.

Sometimes he would eat that if he wasn't well or teething. And if he didn't eat that either then I decided that he mustn't be hungry at that meal. Plus it was completely effort free for me, so I had no emotional investment in the preparing of the food. I served them all cold.

Do you think something like that might work for you? I think it stopped me doing what my poor friend did whose husband found her crying on the stairs while the baby was crying in the other room in his highchair having refused the third lovingly prepared meal being offered at teatime.

I didn't feel relaxed at all with my DS until around 16months, and then only little bits at a time. I can still find it very unnatural feeling at 2.7yo. But he's so much fun and we enjoy each other's company a lot now. So I would say I think you will find it gets easier.

That's her becaroooo to a T, only she was a very close friend of mine and I really thought we would be able to have fun being mums together but she makes me feel like such a failure with her casual suggestions that I just do things 'right'.

Isitmeor, I feed him HIPP jars now. That takes all of my strength. Can't bear to make anything. I think I will just buy pasta/cheese type ones and yogurt that I can give to him cold.

I'm racking my brains second coming but I can't think what thread it is. I've only had two big run ins that I can think of, the abortion debate and one about pethidine. Was it one of those?

Ahhh SecondComing that's really bugging me now! I just can't think of it! Was it definitely me? I know there's another Seashell about (the rat bastard! :o)

Glad you're feeling a bit better :)

Te thing about other mums too is you just have no idea about how much help people have. I always looked sorted etc on mat leave despite a non sleeping baby and you might have seen me and started being horrible to yourself. Actually, DH, DS and I live with my sister, who works from home, and she used to take DS for an hour almosy every day so I could sleep or have a bath etc. You never know - her mum might live next door!

M Hipp jars are your friend!!!!

Part of my illness/need with my eldest son was that I had to make all his food from scratch...organic obv! Took me hours and hours and I hated doing it. It was good for ds1 as he was very underweight as he couldnt feed well from either breast or bottle and once weaned he gained weight fast BUT if I had my time again I would use more jars!!!

Fruit and veg puree and fromage frais and pouches are fab, nutritionally balanced and easier for you...and right now you need easy!!!!

Some days ds2 (3) never stops eating...fruit, porridge, biscuits, bread, veg, potatoes, chocolate etc and other days we struggle to get a banana into him!!

Try not to take any food refusal personally - dc are like us...some days they are more hungry than others x

How to be a perfect parent.

1. Get up sometime in the morning and get everyone dressed in a reasonably socially acceptable style.
2. Clean up children and throw away dirty nappies in a timely manner.
3. Provide 3 meals a day in the form of jars, tins, packets or other random varied stuff without too much fat and salt in it and with a nod in the direction of fruit and veg where possible.
4. Provide small packets of raisins and bananas on demand.
5. Provide a pint of milk a day and supplementary fluids.
6. Go out once a day in the fresh air with offspring.
7. Provide kisses and cuddles.

Er ... that's it.

What bof said!

BoffinMum speaks so much sense

Boffin does speak sense. It's the not being mortally offended that a nine month old doesn't understand he's hurt your feelings that I've not been getting. It's tougher than it sounds though!

Ohhhh I remember now SecondComing! No, you're right I did take that completely personally. I was in such a state I felt like all the comments were aimed at me I had to make myself hide the thread because I was in tears

I am going to print out Boffin's list and affix it to my fridge

Hope you've had a better day today, michelle.

oh boff.

no bananas today but otherwise i ticked everything on your list, i can therefore go to bed and sleep well (until baby wakes us up in a few hrs) knowing i am a perfect parent.

It's really nice to see I'm not the only one this thread has helped.

The list is like a sensible version of that government list of how to be a parent. Does anyone know the one I mean? It goes on about reading to your kid for precisely ten minutes and things like that.

I've done most of them today! :) These Imipramine are pretty good. I spent the morning a bit shaky and in bed but this afternoon has been good. We went out to for a little walk along the canal. Not bad, eh?

I feel much happier with my husband. I was pushing him away a lot which I'm only just properly acknowledging. It's because I haven't liked myself very much lately. In my darkest moments I found myself thinking he must be a bit simple for staying with me.

Oh oh oh and for those of you who remember (probably no one) me mentioning my dramatic elbow. I'll recap! I've had this very painful elbow which has earned a lot of shrugs from the medical profession and not much else apart from strong painkillers. Well, this imipramine is also used as a painkiller and it's really helping. Cashback or what? :o

Good to hear you sounding a lot brighter seashell Well done for getting out for a walk along the canal - that sounds lovely.
Was the sun shining ? - we've had lots of sunshine here today and went for a trip to the park.
Thanks for the check-list boff

• I love it

I nearly did them all today (but no raisins or banana - can I still be a "good enough" parent ? )

I'm going undercover now, everybody.

I am feeling a million times better and I'd like to thank all of you for the kind words and the kicks up the arse.

I've been thinking a lot about whether I want to stay on Mumsnet. I can forgive the troll hunters. It's perfectly fair to be suspicious when there are known emotional vampires about. I'd just rather it hadn't been so vocal and it was especially hurtful because I so badly needed someone to take me seriously even in my ridiculous state. But it's ok.

The thing that I can't get over is how I was treated by Mumsnet. They banned me three times which I found incredibly distressing but it was the lies that I can't bear. They were trying to get in contact with me. No they weren't. I put my log in details wrong. No I didn't. I was trying to use the wrong log in details. No I wasn't. They were just trying to cover their asses and they did it at the expense of trying to make me feel like I'd lost the plot.

I hate liars. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship where I was gas-lighted to an insane degree. I would've admitted the sky was green at one point because he had me so twisted in knots. It makes me feel physically ill to be lied to now.

In the end they said to me that my IP address had been banned before. All they needed to do was ask me about that and I could've told them immediately that I don't know anything about it but I do know that other mum friends of mine have used my laptop while they've been babysitting for me. I really can't see them as the type to get banned so that's puzzling but I suppose it could happen.

I think lying to me and making up stories is cowardly and cruel when they had a legitimate and straightforward question to put to me.

That said, I really do enjoy being on Mumsnet, for the mums not the net! You're all so funny and outspoken and brutal and honest and caring and silly and and and I want to stick around.

So I've decided on a name change and a bit of a break.

I'll also be reporting this post to Mumsnet so they can have a good long think about what they've done! :o

See you all around!

i hope things worked out with the gp, i know a fantastic herbalist who could help if your intrested and live in london or can travel to london? alternatively try some mellisa tea (its a herbal tea) and 5htp you can google both and probably buy them from neals yard online.

You sound better already Michelle - very glad for you. You have done so well and made good decisions, x

Fanny
Thank you for your advice, much appreciated.

I am going to see the doctor today, ostensibly for another reason but I may bring it up....if I can get the nerve!

If anyone is still reading, who finds feeding their baby solids demoralising, I have a mini-step plan for that.

Step back and think about your favourite foods, and how you could make them nutritionally suitable for a baby (whether by reducing the salt, or the curry powder, or by buying a special baby-safe packet sauce from Heinz) and how you could alter the texture to make it suitable for your baby..

Then make one for yourself, and be willing to share with the baby.

It puts you in a completely different mindset. And you thus might be much better at coping with the baby's refusal of your kind offer. (Interestingly, I found that babies tended to refuse sharing my food less then they refused the specially-prepared, for-their-mouths-only meals.)

I'll also be reporting this post to Mumsnet so they can have a good long think about what they've done!

Did they respond?