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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/09/2011 17:27

Right - stern words coming.

It is horrid living with someone with depression, horrid. You need to get a grip and at least show him that you are trying. Text him back (I know he is in the house) and tell him that you are sorry and you love him, that you have phoned the drs and that you need his help and support.

The real you will be pleased you did it. And the real you knows that having PND or any other kind of depression is not carte blanche for being a bitch to the people who love you.

hippoCritt · 27/09/2011 17:29

Well done on ringing. Any chance you could email or text your husband & direct him to this thread?

justpissfartingaround · 27/09/2011 17:29

Well done OP. Its very brave of you to call the GP.

When my son was born 10 months ago I too was suffering with PND. I could scream at DH and blame him for all sorts. I actually felt scared of my baby and the demands he made of me. I had horrid visions of me hurting him. I tried hinting at the HV but she didn't pick up on it at all.

My friend realised I was probably suffering from PND so she let me know she was also and taking medication for it. She made it normal for me so that I knew taking meds was ok and an option for me.

Telling the gp was fine. He did the questionnaire and agreed with me that I had PND plus underlying depression that had not been treated. I was offered counselling and prescribed sertraline.

I have had no problems with the meds and feel a whole lot better now. They sort you out chemically. I am not a failure!

You'll be fine OP. Take that next step and I wish you well.

QueenofJacksDreams · 27/09/2011 17:31

Alibaba is right. I hate hate admitting this and I am so fucking sorry for what I did but I really want to be honest with you even if it means admitting something I've never told anyone.

During my worst days of PND I hit my husband on 4 occasions. I begged him to leave me and he wouldn't and I wanted him to go because in my head he was going sooner or later because who would want to be around that? If he'd of posted here he'd of been told and rightfully so to run a mile from me and take DD with him. So I pushed him away constantly and he tells me thats what hurt the most.

That I couldn't trust him enough to let him on me and what was happening to me, I just kept it all inside and took it out on him instead.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 17:40

I can't talk to him now because if I do i'll start saying reassuring things like oh but i'm fine really and it's just a little blip and i'm just tired etc and that's not the truth

Yes, I know I'm being an absolute arse to him. But much worse is the lies I've been telling him when I pretend that everything is ok really. We used to be so close and now he doesn't know that it's not even the real me he's speaking to anymore

He's so patient with me and I don't deserve it at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 17:46

Oh no. I've just noticed the time. I don't think the doctor is going to call me back. It's been 45 minutes and the receptionist said she was just going to see one more person and then call me. Oh dear

OP posts:
Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 17:52

It must be a sign. I've been being a terrible idiot. Oh dear oh dear oh dear

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 17:53

Out of hours doctors can take hours to turn up OP.

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 17:53

Call the doctors again if they're not getting back to you

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 17:54

That, or do as someone else suggested and get yourself to the local a&e. You haven't made a mistake, you are so close now.

Where are you? Can anyone come and help you?

LeQueen · 27/09/2011 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meteorite · 27/09/2011 17:57

Call them again.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 17:57

The receptionist said that the doctor would be around until 6 and that she just had one more person to see and then she would call me. I called the number and it's just a message saying they're closed.

Oh no oh no

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 17:59

well dont talk to him AMSH, show him this thread. I suspect though that he already knows this is not the real you, he probably just doesnt know how to help.

I wouldnt write off the doctor just yet, there is still time.

And, do you know what? You do deserve him and your baby and every single kind word that is on this board and dont you dare think otherwise.

If he knows that your unwell, then it will be a relief to him and you, you need to take these steps together :)

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 17:59

phone NHS 24 do it now..

TruthSweet · 27/09/2011 18:02

Get DH to take you to A&E/walk-in. Write what you want to say on a bit of paper if you can't say it out loud and post it through the glass at the receptionist.

Heck if you can't ask your DH to take you, write a note for him too. Just get help tonight.

It may be that the receptionist has had a chance to pass on your message to the GP before the GP left for the day, or there was an emergency with the last patient (heart attack for e.g.). It's not a cosmic sign that you are destined to feel like this forever. Just a cock-up at the surgery.

CaveMum · 27/09/2011 18:02

There should have been a number on the message for the out-of-hours Dr. Take it down and call it now.

SAF1610 · 27/09/2011 18:03

I am a GP. There are other treatments available, not just ad's. Don't be afraid to seek help. You need it. It is in the best interests of you, your child & family. Sadly I meet lots of women who feel like this so don't feel embarrassed. it is our job to help you but firstly you must help yourself..... Xx

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 18:04

Right then lovey, in the car you get and off to your local A&E. You have to be strong, this can't wait any longer. The fact you're posting on here means you do want to get better.

Your DH is probably tying himself in knots. Mine was convinced, utterly convinced that he could make it better. He was quiet with me the night I went to the doctors too (and if it hadn't have fallen on a Friday, I would've been packed off to A&E, since the HV wanted me treated ASAP). He told me later that he thought he was going to burst with sadness for me.

threeinmybed · 27/09/2011 18:06

NHS direct can refer you to your local hospital tonight if you don't feel like talking to another receptionist. They are very good.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 18:10

NHS direct are bombarding me with questions about my symptoms. I put the phone down. I'm not an emergency, i'm a bit fraud. Maybe the doctor will still call. Maybe she will.

OP posts:
QueenofJacksDreams · 27/09/2011 18:15

I was told that if you feel in the slightest suicidal you should go either to your doctors or the nearest walk in centre and in severe cases A&E. Don't feel a fraud you're not this is important.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/09/2011 18:16

Look that is why I said text him, so that it isn't a conversation. You just send him the info 'I love you, I am trying, I have rung the GP, I need your support'. You don't have to qualify it.

And if the Dr doesn't call tonight, then she will call tomorrow. It is not a sign, and as LeQueen said you don't get off the hook that easily.

CaveMum · 27/09/2011 18:16

Call them back, you are not a fraud.

If you really can't face calling them you MUST take yourself to your local a&e.

You are a priority and it IS urgent that you get yourself on the road to being well again.

TruthSweet · 27/09/2011 18:17

They want to know where to direct you. If you said I feel depressed they don't know how long that has been going on for. If it started today it may be another illness entirely (someone with more medical knowledge than me will know but I'm sure there is an acute illness that is accompanied by a sense of dread/impending doom that isn't depression!).

Try ringing back - and just saying what you have said here 'My name is XX and my address is YY, DOB is ZZ. I want to kill myself and I have taken to slapping myself (self-harm). I have a small baby and I am scared Please help me. I can't talk anymore.' If they need much more than that God help them!