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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 18:19

Ok she called me and she just said what do you want me to do and I said I just need some tablets and she said you need to come in and I said I can't go anywhere looking like this and she said she could come here but I said no so that's the end of that then

Oh how awful. How awful

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 18:19

Ring back now OP, how else will you get better? A fairy isn't going to wave her magic wand here. Stop fannying around and get on with it or ask your dh to.
If you don't think you can get through the night you need to go to A and E or go and talk to dh and have a plan for tomorrow. I think he needs to take tomorrow off if at all possible.

tadjennyp · 27/09/2011 18:20

Tell your husband you have desperately been trying to get hold of the doctors, and why. If they don't ring back, go and see them the minute they open in the morning and explain that the doctor didn't ring you back and that you are worried you won't have the courage to come back again if you don't see them now. I have also been where you are and wanted to drive my car into a tree so my dh and dcs could start a new life without me. I needed help. It is so common. Well done for admitting you need help too.

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 18:20

oh honey call them back, you need help, they just need to know where to direct you.

Please call them back, you have come so far already, call them back lovely.

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 18:20

Sorry x posted.

Stop the melodrama and get to the clinic NOW.

spudinvasion · 27/09/2011 18:21

So sorry you are going through this OP. I know this must be hard but can you just put this thread up and get your DH to read it. That way you don't have to try and tell him how you feel and you also won't feel the urge to make him think you're ok.

The doctor may well ring you yet. Just because the phones are off they'll still be working.

I promise telling your Dh what's happening can only be a good thing - at least you won't feel so alone and scared.

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 18:21

i have to go out for a bit, please please call them back. OP where are you, can one of us come round?

tadjennyp · 27/09/2011 18:21

Sorry, x-posted. Why won't you let her come to you? What difference does it make to your baby what you look like, when you are feeling so rough? He needs you to get well, not put your make-up on.

perfumedlife · 27/09/2011 18:22

OP I think you are marvelous for calling the GP, I really do. I know how utterly frozen in fear you can feel so for you to have called them, it means there is still the old you fighting back.

The receptionist may have made an error, or the GP could still call, the switchboard will go off at 6 even if they are still there.

I'm rooting for you. I really am. x

TruthSweet · 27/09/2011 18:23

Unfortunately the GP can't post you some anti-ds they do need to see you due to their duty of care towards you. If they can't see you either at home, or in the surgery they can't help you very much.

If the GP see's you looking like you do now (I'm assuming un-bathed, messy hair, grubby clothes and house like Steptoe's Junkyard?). It will be nothing they haven't seen before and if anything will add credence to your need for help.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 18:26

No she just kept saying riiiiiiight to what I was saying and asking what tablets I thought I wanted and then she said she absolutely couldn't help me without seeing me and she can't because I've been lying on the floor for nearly four hours now and I can't get up and she just kept saying riiiiiiight.

What a fucking mess. I'll never call anyone ever ever again

OP posts:
whatsallthehullaballoo · 27/09/2011 18:27

Write a letter and post it to your Gp asking them to RING YOU with a time and day they can make a house call.

Do it for your baby. If you knew someone going through this you would tell them to go to the doctor. You must do it. There are no alternatives for you. None. Goodluck

perfumedlife · 27/09/2011 18:27

Sorry, cross posted.

Please call her back OP. I wonder if you wouldn't feel better going to the out of hours place, if you feel so anxious about people who know you.

Believe me, I gave birth in full slap, I never leave home without it, and yet, full blown illness meltdown I walked in to A&E wearing a bathing suit. Didn't matter, I got the help I so badly needed.

Imagine if you go speak to them. You will be tucked up in bed tonight feeling so much more calm and capable. It's a wonderful feeling, and you deserve to feel that way, in your home with you baby and dh.

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 18:28

Depression is a medical imbalance in the brain, by not taking tablets you are not allowing the chemicals to work.

You will get worse and your life will become a living nightmare.

Without medication you are going to get a lot worse.

Don't be a fool, see the doctor and get help, by seeking help I saved my life.

The only person who can help you is YOU.

perfumedlife · 27/09/2011 18:29

Was that your own GP you were speaking with op?

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 18:29

Fabby is right.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 18:33

She kept calling me before and putting the phone down. It took all my strength to answer the phone and then she put it down! She wasn't helping she didn't help. I feel awful now I feel like there's no hope for me. She can't come round how can I answer the door. I could barely talk on the phone

OP posts:
tadjennyp · 27/09/2011 18:34

Dh can answer the door and let her in.

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 18:34

She put the phone down on you? Seriously? Where was your husband when this was happening?

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 18:37

Hey. I suffered for 7 years, culminating in a breakdown whereby I had to leave a job after 13 years, it paid 37k was on my doorstep, Im never getting that kind of salary back in this climate.

I then went on to have a further breakdown 2 years ago, whereby I cried every single day, I felt helpless, alone, like I was drowning.

I rang the doctor because I did not want to die.

Ask for help it is there, the pills I take allow me to lead a normal life, I don't care Im going to be on them for years, they allow me to live, they allow me to breathe.

Please don't think you are not worthy of an emergency appointment YOU ARE.

Original poster
awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 18:42

I have just given up all hope. My husband came to find out why I was crying so loudly and I told him about her saying what tablets is it you think you need then and he said well what did you think they were going to do and I screamed just go away and leave me alone and he's said well fuck you then and he's gone away.

It's not melodrama. I really have given up all hope. That's all I can do.

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 18:42

Right, enough now! Stop thinking that there is no hope......right now. You have to move a little bit more to them now. If you don't feel comfortable with the doctor then go to A & E.

Don't give up now.......where is your husband does he know yet? I think you should call her back.

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 18:44

Call her back OP call her back now, don't worry about your husband just now, get yourself seen for the sake of you and your baby.

garlicnutty · 27/09/2011 18:44

Dear "awful" (which you only are because of post-partum hormones, it's not the real you) -

Please show this thread to your DH. Now.

Then please ring 999, or DH do it.

Yes, you are an emergency.

With the right medications, you'll be feeling better within weeks.

Sending you a comfy blanket and a cuppa Brew

Tiredmumno1 · 27/09/2011 18:44

Come on op, you can do this, tell them you need help, can you still get hold of her, if you really cant do it, you need to get your dh involved, you need this and you need it now.